Respect Authority

A new survey from the University of Completely Worthless Surveys Connecticut, found that one out of every four students at the schools says they’ve blacked out from heavy drinking during the university’s Spring Weekend festivities. Two out of every five students admit they got “severely drunk.”

Some officials at UConn were reportedly “shocked” by the findings, particularly since the school has stepped up alcohol-related enforcement and offers many alcohol-free recreation events. University official: “What?! They’re still drinking? When we worked so hard to start up drink-and-drug-free bingo night on campus?! I don’t understand kids these days.”     

I’ve grown weary of colleges continuing to conduct these “studies” for the purposes of discovering facts readily available and completely obvious to anyone who’s spent all of one hot second on a college campus. I’d much rather see a study of how many and which kids didn’t get shitfaced at Spring Weekend because really, in terms of social deficiency and proclivity for serial killing later in life, those are the individuals we should be worried about. 

[1010Wins]

As if Google wasn’t already keyword-searching my e-mails and potentially stockpiling all the information necessary to become the real Big Brother, now the Internet search behemoth is offering to censor my alcoholism. 

This week, a Gmail engineer with many drunken regrets and a lot of time on his hands, unveiled Mail Goggles, a Gmail application that asks users a few math questions before they send an email, effectively giving them time to, you know, think things through. 

Appropriately, the application has a default weekend/night setting, though particularly scrupulous e-mailers (and full-time alcoholics) can set it to run more often. Similarly, completely unscrupulous drunks, like myself, can turn it off, and thereby continue to embarrass themselves on a weekly basis, uncensored and unleashed. 

Unfortunately, Google has yet to come up with a solution for drunk texting, drunk dialing, drunk fighting, drunk hook-ups, drunk walks of shame, drunk stomach pumping, or drunk murder. But really, it’s only a matter of time.