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Yeah, I Totes Get the Best Swag

Filed Under: Art

lawhat-450x337

 
kira

1:57 PM on March 17th, 2010 | 

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Trannies and incest and meth, oh my!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

mattmc-450x337In honor of today, March 3, 2010, otherwise known as the day Nip/Tuck died, I’ve pasted below, in its (almost) entirety, the whole of N/T character Matt McNamara’s Wikipedia page. I’ll be the first to admit that the last two seasons of the show have been rather lackluster, though I feel this was to be expected from a program that in Season 1 brought up drug cartels and self-circumcision, obese people stuck to their couches and wanton disregard for safe sex. Either way, it’s recaps like this that remind us why we all started watching, and just couldn’t bring ourselves to stop.

Farewell Nip/Tuck; I’ll miss you.

Matt McNamara
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Matthew McNamara

First appearance: Pilot (episode 1.01)
Created by: Ryan Murphy
Portrayed by: John Hensley
INFORMATION:

Aliases: Matt, Matty
Gender: Male
Age: approx. 22
Occupation: Student, Mime, Armed Robber
Family: Unnamed rapist (biological paternal grandfather)
Spouse(s): Kimber Henry (ex-wife)
Children: Jenna McNamara (daughter, with Kimber)
Relatives:

Christian Troy (biological father)
Julia McNamara (mother)
Sean McNamara (legal father)
Emme Lowell (paternal half-sister)
Annie McNamara (maternal half-sister)
Conor McNamara (maternal half-brother)
Gail Pollack (biological paternal grandmother)
Erica Noughton(maternal grandmother)
Thomas McNamara (paternal grandfather)
Colleen McNamara (paternal grandmother)
Max Pollack (biological paternal half-uncle; same age as Matt)
Sarah Pollack (biological paternal half-aunt)
Kimber Henry Troy (step-mother)
Matthew “Matt” McNamara is a fictional character on the American television series Nip/Tuck, portrayed by John Hensley.

Matthew “Matt” McNamara, was raised as the son of Julia and Sean McNamara, although his biological father is Christian Troy, a man he regards as an uncle. Matt has two half-sisters, Annie (whose father is Sean and mother is Julia) and Emme Lowell (daughter of Christian with a woman named Darlene Lowell) and a younger half-brother, Conor (son of Sean and Julia). He is approximately 16 years of age at the beginning of the show’s first season. Although he isn’t as much as a ruffian in the beginning, it is implied that he was a delinquent in his early years, as Sean says to Christian, “I spent 17 years trying to corral your bad genetics”. Read More ›

 
kira

10:09 AM on March 3rd, 2010 | 

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I Choose Funny

Filed Under: TV Reviews

Alright I know this isn’t meant to be a silo for all manner of viral videos and, to be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of viral videos to begin with—the hit-or-miss aspect offends me. (There’s a reason I watch so much television, where discerning viewers are free to pass judgment on an entire series after just a single episode). That said, I was more than a little excited for the premiere of Funny or Die Presents on HBO, not only because it gives me a little tickle in my tummy to know TV still has some measure of power (FOD is otherwise a fairly popular video Web site, so it says something that they bothered with television at all), but also because I hate watching shit on my laptop.

FOD is unquestionably sophomoric, so there were times I felt disadvantaged by my lack of a 14 to 25-year-old penis, but overall the show had enough gems to make it more than worth it. This is one of them:

 
kira

9:49 AM on February 24th, 2010 | 

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Increable!

Filed Under: Dumb or Dumber

This stuff never really gets old. Also, he’s French!

 
kira

10:42 AM on February 10th, 2010 | 

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The Rocker

Filed Under: Music Reviews

rebirth-450x432In the opening of “Hailey’s Song,” Eminem, who had already broken down barriers in the rap world by virtue of being white (and lyrically innovative), says “I can’t sing/I feel like singing/I wanna fuckin’ sing.” And at the end, after what is a vocally atrocious but still very endearing song, he says “I told you I couldn’t sing/Oh well, I tried.”

Were “Hailey’s Song,” in all its experimental glory, an entire album – it would be Lil Wayne’s Rebirth: daring, bold, endearing, and not entirely …good.

As a preface, I should say I’ve been listening to an illegally downloaded ultimate version of Rebirth, which includes all of the tracks officially released this week, as well as a few that had been leaked months ago and were later pulled from the CD. In all, after more than few delayed releases, Weezy popped out nearly two-dozen songs for Rebirth, which was marketed as (and is) the rapper’s attempt to merge his own hip-hop style with rock influences. I don’t have the energy to figure out which songs were part of the final release and which weren’t—moreover, all of the songs were arguably intended for inclusion on a professional album—but I figure having a few extra ones to go off of just means Wayne gets a more comprehensive chance at impressing me. Read More ›

 
kira

4:30 PM on February 5th, 2010 | 

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$104.3M And All I Got Was This Lousy Sculpture

Filed Under: Art

giacometti-450x278
[New York Times]

 
kira

10:43 AM on February 4th, 2010 | 

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Oh Yes, There Will Be Blood

Filed Under: Movie Reviews

mastershake-281x450I know what you must be thinking: “Damn those Saw movies is good.” Well, friends, you are right - which is why I actually spent real American dollars acquiring the DVDS for Saw II through V (believe it or not, the first one was the worst). And that’s why I’ll happily tap out a review of much-anticipated (for me at least) Saw IV, whose DVD release is pegged for Jan. 26, according to Netflix (I no longer buy DVDs, even highly-coveted sixth installations of favorite horror series, primarily because its not 2002 anymore). But until then, you’ll have to be satisfied with what this really is: a year-late review of There Will Be Blood.

I don’t know why it took me so long to get around to TWBB; perhaps because all anyone ever said about the film was “Daniel Day Lewis is so good in that,” or “I drink your milkshake!” The former is certainly encouraging - but a singular stellar performance does not always a great movie make (see: everything Jim Carrey has ever made). The latter is what some might consider the film’s signature line (naturally, Daniel Day Lewis doesn’t say it until the last 10 minutes), and all manner of ironic T-shirts have been fashioned in its honor. But even combined, these two impressions hadn’t been enough and so here I am, months behind the curve, finally getting the joke.

Everything people said was right: Daniel Day Lewis IS amazing in the movie, in the way anyone is amazing who can make you forget they’re acting. The fact that Lewis is a rather selective actor only helps: unlike Will Smith’s flip-floppery between “I’m a real actor” and “I’m a superhero malcontent,” Lewis appears so sparingly in pop culture cinema that I found it easy to become immersed in his character. Good thing, too - since he’s on screen more or less the entire movie, and communicates via facial expression or prolonged silence as much as actual dialogue. And the milkshake line - well, it lives up to the hype. Read More ›

 
kira

12:13 AM on January 19th, 2010 | 

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A Shore Thing

Filed Under: TV Reviews

jerseyshore-450x296To all three readers of Respect Authority, let us extend our deepest apologies. It’s 2010 now, which means a new decade, and a new opportunity to shirk our regular responsibilities in favor of inane blog writing. Consider it my New Year’s resolution. (Well, one of them, third after “Watch less TV” and “Don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t end up watching less TV.”) And there’s no better way to start off a new year of witty commentary and reality television snark than with a missive defending MTV’s now infamous Jersey Shore.

I know, I know, I’m weeks late in commenting on the work of sheer genius that is Jersey Shore, but it took a few episodes’ worth of contemplation to really nail down what it is about JS that’s so damn appealing. It’s not just the fights, or the inane commentary, or the inability of men on this show not to use the word “fresh” at least once an episode. I mean, it is all of those things (as well as the fact that JS has become so pop-culture relevant that even die-hard haters of reality TV wonder if they’re missing out) but also many more. Here, in three points, is my defense of Jersey Shore.

1. “When it’s time to party, we will party hard.”
One of MTV’s biggest mistakes when it came to every season of The Real World after San Diego was the show’s slow trajectory away from bar fights and towards passive-aggressive work arguments, or utterly boring in-house pranks. Although Real World was always a forum for (ahem) real-world issues—homosexuality, religion, war—those issues were, and still are, best brought up in a loud club, after a lot of alcohol. At least for television purposes. While several of the more recent Real World seasons (Brooklyn and now-airing D.C. being the most flagrant examples) have devolved into mind-numbing self-righteous and too often sober discussions of political and social qualms, I have yet to hear anyone on the Jersey Shore discuss something other than clothes, hair, drinking, clubbing or sex. The vast majority of the show’s footage is of the roommates at bars (to the point that I’ve learned the names of said bars) or on their own roof deck, wooing unsuspecting (or totally suspecting) young ladies into their altogether normal hot tub. This is the stuff of great television.

2. “Watch the lioness, as she contemplates her next victim.”
Though MTV has always been a master of stereotypes—in a truly meta moment, one of the cast members of Real World D.C. correctly predicted that the last arriving housemate would be “the gorgeous black man” and lamented the lack of a “gay guy”—putting a group of the same stereotype in one house and watching them exist together is nothing short of genius. While much of reality television is founded on the notion of different people coming together and interacting, JS joins people that could have very easily become friends anyway. Indeed, to watch the crew interact is akin to some anthropological study: the ease with which they communicate in their unique language, the guido rituals (gym, tanning, laundry, in that order) to which most of them subscribe, the almost immediate tribe-like bond they form with one another. Though plenty of attention has been paid to the negative connotation of “guido” and the show’s supposed affirmation of this stereotype, I personally find the culture more interesting than laughable.

3. “Won’t you be my neighbor?”
This, above all, is the reason I watch Jersey Shore: Despite their questionable fashion choices, limited vocabulary and utter devotion to hooking up, the cast of JS is, for the most part, kind of likeable. The show’s most annoying roommates–the much-maligned Situation, whose desperation when it comes to lady-hunting is downright cringeworthy; and Sammi “Sweetheart,” whose “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet” opening-credits line pretty much says it all–are still in my view a rung above even the least annoying people on The Real World. More importantly, they actually seem real. Perhaps by virtue of becoming part of a 20+ year institution, MTV has created something of a monster when it comes to Real World casting: the 20-somethings who ultimately make the cut appear on air with such a sense of self-worth (having made it through umpteen rounds of auditions) that they seem to assume their lives are interesting. By contrast, the Jersey Shore group always seem mildly baffled by their own fame: they’re in it for the sex, free booze and VIP club seating, not to be a part of pop culture history. This is something I can respect.

It should come as no surprise that I’m a fairly big Jersey Shore fan – it’s like the orange-juice concentrate of live-in-a-house-together reality programming, with more hooking up and fighting in one episode than other shows manage in a season. But I think Jersey Shore is a little something extra: it doesn’t create characters by putting otherwise mundane people in a tricked-out house and parading them through overpriced bars and faux careers. Instead, MTV found actual characters, put them in a rather mundane house, and let them handle all the parading. To me, that’s pretty—for lack of a better word—fresh.

 
kira

12:40 PM on January 15th, 2010 | 

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What A Crock

Filed Under: Movie Reviews

julie-and-juliaI just watched Julie & Julia with my family – a Christmas Eve compromise between It’s a Wonderful Life, which I’ve watched more or less every year since I was five and could probably recite from memory, and Star Wars, which Spike TV is currently playing in marathon and, honestly, never gets old. In fact, despite the movie choice being in actuality a compromise, it’s about as far from my normal decision-making process as possible: an entire film (and a long one, let me tell you) about the literal joys of cooking, as compared with several nostalgic hours of pre-Calista Harrison Ford and animatronic banthas. For someone who owns approximately one pan and has used her oven twice in ten months (and one of those times was to make pot brownies), the choice would have otherwise been fairly obvious.

As it turns out, J&J wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Which isn’t to say it got bad reviews; most critics seemed wowed enough by Meryl Streep as Julia Child that they overlooked the movie’s rather tedious length and borderline endless discussion of actual cooking. In fact, in some deep-seated female part of my being, I guess the movie did make me want to cook a little – only because Amy Adams/Julie made cooking seem like such a respectable alternative to sitting around in your apartment and watching TV. It seems downright productive.

No, this is what really annoys me about Julie & Julia, and movies like it. Shit like that doesn’t really happen. Not to normal people, not often enough that watching it happen isn’t in actuality just as infuriating and depressing as anything else. People don’t dash off to France and magically overcome historical prejudice so they can go on to be one of the most famous chefs of all time. They don’t just happen to have husbands with government jobs that afford them plenty of leisure time to pursue a completely (at least at the time) absurd hobby, or pen pals who just so happen to know major book editors who just so happen to be interested in not only reading, but testing out, cookbooks from otherwise unknown authors.

And back in New York, in 2002, government employees don’t just decide to start a blog and then within a year not only have mastered cooking but also gotten numerous book deal offers, to say nothing of a movie starring, oh, Meryl Streep. People who live in dipshit apartments above pizza places in Long Island City are supposed to CONTINUE living in dipshit apartments above pizza places, or Chinese places, or butcher shops, to make the rest of us (read: me) feel like it’s totally OK to continue living in Brooklyn next to a car wash with a neon sign that sometimes blinks through our window the entire night.

So, in conclusion, fuck you Julia Child, and Julie Powell, for your uncommon success and its alleged ability to inspire (rather than depress) those of us who are forced to sit through a movie about your lives on Christmas Eve. This isn’t even a tale of hope, or of overcoming hardship. This is a story about two relatively happy people who became even happier through a series of fortunate and lucky events. And those stories, like Santa, aren’t real.

 
kira

10:33 PM on December 24th, 2009 | 

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Weekend Update

Filed Under: TV

The only funny thing Bobby Moynihan has ever really done on SNL:

Also:

 
kira

5:54 PM on December 21st, 2009 | 

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The Latest PSA Craze: Sexting

Filed Under: Pop Culture

THE GOOD

THE BAD

 
kira

12:06 PM on December 11th, 2009 | 

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To Friend A Predator

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry, Urban Living

socialnetworkIn light of all the social networks (Google, Yahoo, MySpace, Facebook) booting registered sex offenders from their sites, I think it’s high time NAMBLA or someone equally lamentable launched a social network geared exclusively at the perverted. Come on, rapists have the right to poke too! Plus, Law & Order: SVU would have a virtually unlimited source for material.

Here are some suggested titles; feel free to contribute your own:

-Pervster

-Creepster

-Diddler

-Scumbook

-MyPlace …Tonight

-Don’tLetThemSeeYourFace…Book

-Kidder

-Toddler

-Boinker

-RapeSpace

-FaceRape

-Craigslist

 
kira

4:22 PM on December 10th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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