Respect Authority


Posts Filed Under Chicago

Aaron’s Got 7 Years Until Chicago is Unlivable

Filed Under: Chicago

chicago-450x299Is it bad that I just realized lil’ Chicago’s a candidate city for the 2016 Olympics? I’m sorry, but its just that I forget that there’s anything between New York and Los Angeles!

In any event, Chicago’s trying to host the Olympics in 2016 ya’ll and this time America’s actually got a shot. During the 2012 selection process, NYC represented the U.S.’s only realistic chance of winning the Games because it’s the only U.S. city with enough casual anti-American sentiment to be considered “worldly”. But even NYC’s notorious anti-ness couldn’t make up for just how much Europeans hated Bush so they gave it to fucking London… again.

This time, however, people love our president. In fact one of the IOC selectors has a picture of him on her refrigerator (not kidding). Obama, not one to squander an opportunity to capitalize on his fame, is making his interns post videos of him on YouTube talking up Chicago and how awesome it would be to have the Olympics there. That coupled with the shocking fact that almost every single one of his very successful advisers used to work for the Chicago 2016 bid committee bodes well for Chicago’s chances at winning this thing and will ensure endless frustration for Aaron if he doesn’t get out of Chicago before it’s too late.

Just imagine… years of construction so that millions more people can fill every corner of Chicago for two long hot weeks in August.



9:13 AM on May 14th, 2009 | 

Posted by lou

No Comments ›

Tags: , ,

Bookmark and Share

Fools Play With Chalk At Chicago’s Lakefront

Filed Under: Chicago

Chicagoist posted the following photo on Saturday, noting the gorgeous weather we’ve had in Chicago for the long weekend. I’m told it’s been even warmer with my fellow Respect Authoritarians in New York, proving, once more, that New York is superior to Chicago in literally every way. I’m not kidding — you think New York is full of annoying crazy people, but you have not seen my block. It looks like Dawn Of The Dead except all the zombies are mumbling vegetative methadone addicts, so I guess basically… zombies. So anyway, what was the point? Oh yeah, it’s warm. It seems like our country is experiencing a meltdown in more ways than one, amirightamiright?


Obviously my heart is not so cold that I can’t enjoy the unseasonably warm weather, particularly considering it beats freezing my testicles off in the icy tundra Chicago turns into upon the onset of “The Great Freeze,” or as people who don’t live in The Arctic Circle of Illinois call it, Winter.

Nonetheless, this “unseasonably” warm weather is getting increasingly seasonable because it’s always warm in October now. So don’t vote for more summer, really, unless you’re a Snidely Whiplash type motherfucker and actually want to see the effects of climate change reduce human civilization to its knees and force it to suck some fat greenhouse gas wanger. Indeed, we may be living in a world soon where, unfortunately, there is nothing but the ice in my mouf to keep my Cristal cold.

This is important, people — where will Santa have his workshop when the North Pole is a barren desert littered with rotting polar bear carcasses? To think, all those elves out of work… next thing you know, the government’s bailing out Santa’s Workshop.


12:00 PM on October 13th, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron


Tags: , ,

Bookmark and Share

© 2008 Respect Authority. All rights reserved. Design by Aaron Hatch.