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Posts Filed Under Technology and Gadgetry

To Friend A Predator

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry, Urban Living

socialnetworkIn light of all the social networks (Google, Yahoo, MySpace, Facebook) booting registered sex offenders from their sites, I think it’s high time NAMBLA or someone equally lamentable launched a social network geared exclusively at the perverted. Come on, rapists have the right to poke too! Plus, Law & Order: SVU would have a virtually unlimited source for material.

Here are some suggested titles; feel free to contribute your own:

-Pervster

-Creepster

-Diddler

-Scumbook

-MyPlace …Tonight

-Don’tLetThemSeeYourFace…Book

-Kidder

-Toddler

-Boinker

-RapeSpace

-FaceRape

-Craigslist

 
kira

4:22 PM on December 10th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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This Test Is Gay

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

Yahoo! Answers continues to grow as the world’s liveliest community of the dumbest human kind has to offer. Yes, it’s even beating Twitter.

How can I test if my son is gay?

Ironically, the original poster of the question just unknowingly took the “How Can I Test If I’m A Fucking Idiot?” Test. Congratulations, you passed with flying colors, World’s Greatest Dad.

 
aaron

12:56 PM on June 15th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

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Google Skate View

Filed Under: Skateboarding, Technology and Gadgetry

At this point in our country’s mad dash to the great big finish line in the sky, you’ve probably been forced to sell your car and are now effectively living out of your iPhone, so you might as well make your completely gratuitous fashion accessory as functional as possible. And for those of us who already spend a good portion of our time on the street, Peter Fahey, founder of Sneaker Pimps, has developed the iSkateboard application. It’s sure to be almost as popular as 2008’s fiendish iMLookingForADealer app.

iSkateboard

iSkateboard harnesses the daunting, mystical powers of Google Maps for a purpose even more useful than trying to look in your ex-girlfriend’s apartment window with Street View. The application currently boasts a directory of 30,000 skate spots, skate parks and skate shops worldwide, with more listings being added every day. So much for that secret spot you and your buddies used to never get kicked out of.

Additionally, iSkateboard has a streaming news feed that pulls content from Thrasher, The Skateboard Mag and Transworld, amongst others, making it even easier to, you know, not support the industry by actually paying for the magazines.

While this font of information is certainly awesome to behold, clearly I have a few reservations about it. It’s a little bit like when the Nazis open the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. My face is kind of getting melted off here, but not in a good way. Read More ›

 
aaron

2:30 PM on March 3rd, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

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Finger Flip

Filed Under: Skateboarding, Technology and Gadgetry

Thanks to the Nintendo Wii, children no longer need to go outside in order to play sports or senselessly beat on giant cartoon gorillas. They can now do it from the comfort of the couch. And as the years pass, technology will continue to provide us with wonderful new reasons to stay inside, overstimulated eyes fixed to a screen while the muscles in our limbs atrophy (except, of course, those needed to click a remote or dig around in the bag of Cheetos). Obviously, a necessary step on the part of the machines in order to better rise up against and enslave their human masters.

However, with a newly sprained ankle and that little fucker Punxsutawney Phil using his evil groundhog magic to make another six weeks of winter, I have to admit Touchgrind for the iPhone looks pretty fucking awesome, even though every fiber of my being is begging me to realize it was made by dorks for dorks. Nonetheless, while playing with Tech Decks at 23 is about as respectable as eating one’s boogers, this, on the other hand, is probably my newest excuse to never read a book on the subway again. And think about how cool I’ll look doing it!

Plus, the commercial’s soundtrack is sooo awesome, that’s like, totally what I listen to when I skate. Rock music, yeah!! Drugs!!!

 
aaron

3:24 PM on February 2nd, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

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An Apple A Day

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

jobsI can’t decide if it’s wrong to say I don’t believe Steve Jobs. But …I just don’t believe Steve Jobs. 

On the one hand, I’d be pretty up in arms if everyone under the sun was documenting my rapid weight loss and deteriorating health on a day-by-day basis, and even moreso if the appearance of that health had a direct correlation on my company’s stock, and therefore my financial well-being. After all, life isn’t The Biggest Loser and for the most part the miniscule changes in one’s physical appearance, including numbers on the scale, aren’t cause for public concern. Unless you’re Oprah. 

But on the other hand, naming a health issue more commonly associated with menopausal women than ailing middle-aged men isn’t doing much for me in the realm of “lies I’m willing to pretend I believe.” We know you had pancreatic cancer Steve, and moreover we’re all pretty sure pancreatic cancer doesn’t just up and disappear. And even if we did believe that, its not exactly reassuring to watch you get thinner than our iPods. 

At this rate, a hormonal imbalance isn’t going to cut it. Just admit it Steve, you’re bulimic.

 
kira

4:27 PM on January 5th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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Broadcast Yourself Electrocuting Prisoners

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

trooptubeAnyone out there wishing they could watch all their favorite Abu Ghraib torture videos without the clutter of dogs trying to ride skateboards and deranged teenagers humping furniture getting in the way is in luck. The U.S. Military and Delve Networks have recently teamed up to produce TroopTube, a video-sharing web site for troops, their families and supporters. Registered members can add their own videos from anywhere with an Internet connection, so that pretty much rules out any of the bombed out craters most of our troops are stationed at anyway, but Pentagon employees screen all new additions for taste, copyright violations and national security issues.

So no, I’m afraid Leave Britney Alone won’t be available — that fucking pantywaist endangered countless American lives with his thoughtless rants. Britney’s most well-known secrets must never be revealed to our sworn enemies! Also, if you haven’t heard, all gays are terrorists.

Reportedly, The Landlord is also under review for its negative portrayal of authority figures. Read More ›

 
aaron

1:15 PM on November 12th, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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Dunkin’ Donuts is …Still Making Donuts

Filed Under: Food and Drink, Technology and Gadgetry

dunkin_donuts2I know I’ve made it no small secret that I hate Twitter with the fire of one thousand extra-hot suns. I find it hard to suppress my constant urges to lambaste people who insist on being so perpetually plugged-in that they’re willing to receive status updates on everything from bloggers’ adventures to what their friends are eating for dinner. But, even if I were to set aside my personal vendetta against this digital downfall of mankind, this would still be ridiculous.

Dunkin’ Donuts this week became the latest brand to join Twitter, and will now provide hardcore donut-lovers with, yes, updates about special offers, but more importantly (according to DD) with the opportunity to “connect and have a dialogue with or about the brand.” Because really, if there’s one thing I feel my online presence is lacking, it’s the ability to send mindless tweets about my donut preferences. I’m pretty sure this would yield just one tweet from me, which I would therefore be forced to send every hour, on the hour. It would read: “Jelly-filled, fuck yes” or I suppose, to get technical about it, “Kira is Jelly-filled, fuck yes,” which actually takes on an entirely new meaning.

This article doesn’t give any actual examples of tweets from Dunkin’ Donuts, or from rival Starbucks, who jumped on the Twitter bandwagon faster than you could say skim soy mocha latte cappuccino, which leaves me with a very serious quandary. Do I sign up for Twitter simply to receive these messages and subsequently mock them in this public forum?

The answer is no. Sometimes you don’t need to see to believe. I believe this is probably the dumbest Twitter feed in the history of Twitter, and if I could very easily spend my entire life never seeing a single tweet about glazed donuts or the newest featured smooth-jazz CD, well that would be as good as hot coffee on a cold day. Thanks but no thanks.

 
kira

12:20 PM on November 5th, 2008 | 

Posted by kira

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Stand and Deliver

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

Creator of the infamous Nike Pigeon Dunk and overall design whiz, Jeff Staple, posted a new innovation on his blog last week, but this time, it won’t exactly have people fighting in the streets over it. If anything, it’ll keep them indoors and on their couches for extended periods of time. And no… it isn’t marijuana, that’s shit’s as old as the erf, my friends.

iphone_stand

First of all, who watches The Patterson Film on their iPhone? Like, “Hmm hmm riding the subway, oh shit, I gotta take a minute and travel into the land of haunting mysteries because I still haven’t decided if Bigfoot exists or not.” YEAH RIGHT!!

Anyway, the iPhone might be ergonomically designed, but that doesn’t mean holding it for a Lord of the Rings marathon isn’t going to induce some serious hand cramping. The cramping caused by holding it with just one hand while watching Lord of the Nipple Rings is reportedly even worse. And that’s why there are plenty of hideous, over-priced iPhone stands on the market. Apple is really the ultimate economic stimulus package, creating products that require you to buy even more products.

Either way, this iPhone stand is small, extremely portable, and costs a whopping two cents. Of course, by the time you read this, Apple will have already sent out cease and desist letters to every Staples and Office Max in the country, ordering them to stop selling all binder clips as they may be used with an Apple product in an unsanctioned fashion. So grab your contraband office supplies while you can and get to work.

All you have to do is bend one of the legs into a slight J shape and you’re good to go. Of course, you could also just watch this crazy thing I heard about called TV. More on that as it develops.

[To Darren Hudson]

 
aaron

10:27 AM on November 3rd, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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Talk To The Wrist ‘Cuz The Hand Is On Vacation

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

Welcome to the fucking future.

ibangle1

I feel like first, I should let you know that this is actually not a joke. The name? Fucking horrible, but the idea itself… pretty amazing aside from the fact that, in practice, you’d look like a fucking Star Trek ass loser from space. These are the insane machinations of designer Gopinath Prasana, and while the iBangle is not currently slated for production, there’s a good chance we’ll see something like this come to light.

ibangle31

It will retain all the usual functions of an iPod, effectively being an iPod shuffle on your wrist, with a scroll pad, wireless earbuds, and an air chamber on the inside of the wrist that can be gradually inflated so the device can fit snugly. No word on commercial jetpacks yet (although there is, staggeringly terrible music choice aside, this)… but it’s nice to see that we’re getting there. Read More ›

 
aaron

12:56 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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“Does It Have 3G Then?”

Filed Under: London, Technology and Gadgetry

g11T-Mobile’s G1, the notorious Google Phone, was released in the UK yesterday and coldly cockblocks Apple’s path to world wide mobile domination. To be clear, by “cockblock” I mean the phone grabs Steve Jobs’ dick, rips it off, travels back in time and tricks young Steve Jobs into eating it when he wasn’t a slowly dying vegan. It’s that cold.

CNET UK, armed with a brand new G1 and a hopelessly passé iPhone 3G, staged a wireless data competition and found that the G1 downloaded webpages twice as fast as the iPhone 3G.

…we visited barackobama.com. The G1 took 45 seconds to load the page, the iPhone 3G took 1 minute 38 seconds…

They ran an additional test on their WiFi network and found the load times to be comparable, meaning that the software and processing capacities were about equal. CNET UK speculates that the O2 network, the iPhone’s exclusive carrier in England, is holding back the iPhone’s capacities. Well what about their chipsets?

The article makes the point of comparing another T-Mobile 3G phone to the G1 (I know, not enough Gs in that sentence, here’s another… aaaand his myspace for good measure). The point is, two phones on the same network had widely variable load times. So its not the network, its the chipset right?

Apple’s iPhone 3G uses an Infineon chip, which has no reported history of inadequacy, whereas the G1 uses a dual-core integrated processing chip from Qualcomm. Now, I have no idea what that means but I do know that they’re different and the sooner RA opens its coffers up and buys me a G1, the faster I can unlock it and test it against an iPhone right here in real America/keep it for myself.

And you’ll be damn sure I won’t be using any pinko websites to test the loading speeds. Country First loads as fast as freedom on this and any computer.

[Cheerio CNET]

 
lou

10:07 AM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by lou

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What now, Justin Long?

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

macpcI guess all those scathing commercials finally hit home. 

Microsoft on Tuesday announced what it claims will be a slimmer and better operating system, Windows 7, and unceremoniously dropped the “Vista” brand name. A smart move considering Apple has been relentlessly slamming the company for Vista’s ongoing issues, sometimes at the expense of including any real advertisement for Apple itself. Seriously, I don’t know the last time I saw Justin Long doing something other than making fun of PC. Does Apple even sell products?

“We’ve done a lot of work around how you manage the windows, how you launch programs and how you manage the windows of the programs that you’ve launched,” Microsoft technologist Steven Sinofsky told investors and developers at a conference. “It’s all about personalization and putting you in control of the PC, and that’s a big initiative that we’ve had.” 

Thanks Steven. After all, why shouldn’t a company that’s been releasing operating systems for 20+ years (and by the way, more or less pioneered the concept) develop something capable of “launching programs” and “managing windows.” This will certainly solve a lot of issues, and may revolutionize computers altogether. 

The real question though, what if it works? What if a few hard-hitting ads and a lot of public backlash actually pushed Microsoft to develop a comprehensive Windows solution? What would happen to Justin Long? 

Exactly what happened to the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” kid. Total and utter oblivion.

 
kira

12:15 PM on October 29th, 2008 | 

Posted by kira

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Justin Long Can Go Get Fucked…

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

…By something mean and big with a sharp dick and no sense of humor.

You see, there are three types of people in this world:

  • People who have had a hard drive fail
  • People who will have a hard drive fail
  • People who are going to kill every employee in the Apple store at 679 North Michigan Ave., Chicago, with an axe tomorrow.
 
aaron

9:33 PM on October 28th, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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