Respect Authority

Back in 2007, a little skateboarding movie called Fully Flared came out and went pretty much unnoticed, having almost no real impact at all save for influencing a truly fantastic and original Snickers commercial. You may have heard of it if you’re part of the all boys cool kids club that is the greater communal skateboarding consciousness. If not, you were probably, you know, off actually doing something with your life.

Now director Ty Evans has joined forces with long-time collaborator Spike Jonze to produce U.N.K.L.E.’s new video for the song “Heaven.” And what do you know, it has skateboarding in it! In fact, the video consists of a reedit of Fully Flared’s noteworthy intro sequence, which to date, has recklessly convinced countless teenagers that getting blown up by powerful explosives is a good way to die. Which I guess is kind of true, it has to beat being raped to death by a bear anyway.

Additionally, the song was even originally featured in Fully Flared’s credits, so this video really has Lakai ectoplasm spewed all over it like Ty Evans and Spike Jonze just crossed the streams. It’s just too bad the song makes me sleepier than a minion of Gozer whacked up with about 300 cc’s of Thorazine.

The question “why does music suck so much now?” is hardly a new one, and its use of the word “now” has always been relative to who is asking the question. Miley Cyrus fans will someday ask, when music has been reduced to no more than a looping vocal comprised of reality show soundbites on top of some stock Garageband instrumentation (this should happen in about 6 months, tops), “why does music suck so much now?” while she’s the whole reason people who listened to the terrible crap that was popular in the 90s are asking the very same question today. Hell, music has probably always sucked; it all depends on what version of suck you were brought up with.

Nonetheless, like pop culture at large, music does seem at least a little bit less genuine than it ever was before. This is, obviously, a rather ambiguous claim to make considering the music industry has been manufacturing pop hits since way before you were able to say, “The Monkees!” However, compared to the days of yore when music was a closed industry limited to those who actually had talent or could, as a bare minimum and in the case of the entire punk rock movement, fake it pretty well. Today, you don’t even need to pretend to be good — in fact, plenty of people have built successful careers on the foundation that they are just outright bad musicians. Oh, and that reminds me, have you heard Limp Bizkit is reuniting?

Creating music has become so accessible, thanks to the digital era and all its whirring, buzzing toys, that everyone can make some if they’re so inclined, including a great many people who have no business doing so. There’s no progressiveness anymore, except for in the smallest of indie artists (and by that I don’t mean “indie” bands who are actually on major labels), because everybody’s just chasing the latest trend — conforming as closely as possible to whatever made the most money last. And that is why Teddy Pain can now retire happily, as he was featured on literally every rap single produced in 2008. In fact, rap can now be defined exclusively as, “a song which features T-Pain in the chorus.”

When it comes down to it, pop music has become nothing more than dance music, and all dance music requires is a catchy beat and a vocal hook that gets stuck in your head for days, even if that infectiousness relies on the fact that it’s completely inane, or more often, annoying to the point of violating some of the terms of the Geneva Convention. Case in point, John Mayer’s latest studies in the wonders of producing a rap single:

Now, lest I jeopardize any of my precious cool points by posting a John Mayer video, I must clarify that I am not a fan of the man’s music… mostly because I find incessant guitar noodling to be one of the most boring forms of masturbation. Seriously, at least dogs humping shit is funny. Nonetheless, he proves a point with this quick exercise: today, anyone can make a song, with very little difficulty, that somebody will enjoy. There are, after all, actual living, breathing Aqua fans out there somewhere.

Good afternoon! I’m here to give you a new perspective on the word “awesome.”

In the immortal words of R. Kelly, “It’s! The! Remix!”

ThruYOU is the genius bastardization of all media through the cultural dream catcher that is YouTube by some shadowy, often pictured shirtless, character by the name of Kutiman. With a name like that, it sounds like the dude belongs in a fucking Pokéball if you ask me — instead, he’s busy ripping the entire Internet to shreds, and pushing mash-up culture’s overstuffed envelope just a little further in the process.

The results of his tireless mad science are no less impressive than they are innovative. Kutiman is the Girl Talk of streaming video montage, to put it one way. And just like the Pied Piper of neon-clad hipstards, Kutiman may not have been the first to attempt something like this, but he achieved it on a scale so much larger, and did it so successfully as to completely overshadow the clambering troglodytes that paved his way. And like in the best mash-ups, the end product is somehow more than just the sum of its parts. Kutiman makes rich, lush soundscapes out of zit-faced losers playing a cheap guitar for their webcam as if the 14-year-olds calling them a fag in the ensuing YouTube video’s comments actually care.

So I guess this is what it feels like to be living in Post Postmodernity.

The recession is taking a toll on everything - even elevators! 

Muzak Holdings LLC, the company behind elevator music less-than-affectionally referred to by the same name, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection today, in the hopes of restructuring some debt so elevator passengers the world over won’t be forced to give up soft-jazz renditions of “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” 

What exactly about the market for elevator music has so changed in the last few months? Are bands charging more for the privilege of having their songs watered down to paltry renditions even our parents could enjoy? Are people using elevators less? Are those damn in-elevator TV screens hoarding the market for lift entertainment?

“Muzak is a solid business with an outstanding customer base, but we are burdened with substantial debt obligations established over a decade ago,” Chief Executive Officer Stephen Villa said in a statement. Well yes Stephen, you do have an oustanding customer base since until they stop constructing buildings with multiple stories, or we all start wearing personal jet packs, elevators seem to be a much-needed accessory in the realm of ascension. 

Peronally, I would advise the company to jump on the lagging record business and explore some sort of in-depth partnership. Like using their elevator distribution agreements to play, you know, actual original songs. Now that’s innovation.

First thing’s first. Renaissance is a really weird looking word.

Anyway, onto more slightly more important things. In light of hit or miss Biggie biopic, Notorious, releasing in theaters in this week, I’ve been giving Ready To Die a spin for old times. “Juicy” is a well-known track, to say the least, and its popularity and legendary status at this point is due to the fact that it’s the fucking Huckleberry Finn of mid-nineties hip hop. It’s the coming of age tale of that entire new generation of rappers. As Biggie references his influences, naming Heavy D, Marley Marl, and Mr. Magic among others, he’s actually mentioning the time hip hop was now leaving behind.

Hip hop’s gone through a lot of changes since then as well. The Notorious B.I.G. died over beef with other players in the rap industry. Conversely, in recent years, when rappers are feuding they pose on the cover of Rolling Stone together and make YouTube videos about it. However, hip hop is changing yet again. Read More ›

By this time next year, we’ll all carry personal auto-tuners around with us and even the fucking Beatles will be reuniting. It was a weird year for music, and it’s hard to say where the industry is headed (I mean, other than down). But one thing is for sure, those iPod earbuds still look great with some dark denim and a Palestinian kaffiyeh (that trendy scarf you’ve appropriated and know nothing about). Here are our picks for this year’s music that’ll rock you harder than a suicide bombing.

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Lil’ Wayne
I don’t care if its The Carter I, II or XXLVVII, if Weezy is spitting hot fire, I will be there, guns blazin’. Okay, so I don’t have any guns, but if I did, this is exactly what I would use them for — to shoot in the air as I rapped along about gangster themes like drugs, girls and being an alien rapper from outer space who came to Earth to literally eat the sub-par hip-hop competition. Vibe magazine readers may have named Eminem the best living rapper, but I would bet cash money (millionaires) that’s because they haven’t listened to “Shooter” while smoking a joint on the fire escape.
— kira

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The Hood Internet — The Mixtape Volume 3
My debilitating lack of attention span means I generally get bored of an album after only a couple weeks, leaving me an insatiable fiend always itching for his new fix. Having The Hood Internet’s third mixtape on my iPod is like walking around with an endless methadone IV attached to my arm. The Chicago-based DJ Duo are producing some of the most innovative mashups in the supersaturated genre, and their albums are consistently more surprising and more accessible than King Girl Talk, who, on his own solid release this year, started to wander off into the land of Bar Mitzvah Top 40. — aaron

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Beyonce — Single Ladies
The song’s retarded but clearly it wasn’t made for the radio; it was made for YouTube. The video is ridiculous, her ass is ridiculous, and the fan videos make the original seem like a masterpiece. Absurd doesn’t begin to describe it. — lou

It looks like Britney Spears is at it again.

After a rough couple of years that included public meltdowns, custody battles, and numerous supposed comebacks, Spears finds herself once again in another massive controversy.  Amidst her current and so far disaster-free comeback, a new group is speaking out against some of the recent choices made by the once half-girl-almost-woman pop hybrid.  In the past, Spears has dealt with the wrath of the Barbers’ Union (for self-shearing inside an active barber shop without union approval), Travelers Insurance (for her unfortunate portrayal of their corporate logo), and the Sea Shepherds (who have questioned her Samurai Spirit on many occasions).

Now, surprisingly, a Mid-Atlantic chapter of the Society for the Survival of Suffering Stutterers (Suh-Sur-Suff-Stuh for short) in Plainsboro Township, NJ, has spoken out against the pop star and her hit single, Womanizer. In a statement they started writing in mid-October but only just finished and released this morning, regional spokesperson and local Spanish Club Vice-President, Kyle Filiwitz said the following: Read More ›

China mad about democracy? Never!

A newspaper published by China’s ruling Communist party blasted the much-anticipated Guns N’ Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, this week, calling it an “attack on the Chinese nation.” Delayed since recording began in 1994, Chinese Democracy dropped on Sunday, which is to say, devoted (and patient) GNR fans could pick up the CD at oh-so-cool Best Buy, the only retailer carrying it.

But not one to waste time, the Global Times wrote a story Monday with the headline “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” which aside from being far too long, credited anonymous Chinese Internet users with describing the album as part of a Western plot to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.”

Well, creepy accurate Chinese Internet users – all four of you – but unfortunately not entirely true in this scenario. While America is totally all about using democracy to gain favor, or power, in other parts of the world – Iraq, Afghanistan, the South – we as a country have yet to make Axl Rose our official spokesman, a move I consider remiss on the part of whoever’s in charge of this country’s public relations. So any efforts on the part of Mr. Rose to perpetuate democracy in any part of the world is purely coincidental. Read More ›

The Bronx is burning.

Or at least it will be when area residents try to destroy the borough that now has the same name as the first child of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Seriously Bronxites, it’s time to give up and start over.

Petashley, or whatever it is celebrity magazines are calling the couple these days, gave birth to little Bronx last night, at which point any sane doctor would have accidentally “lost” the child to a better family. I can’t imagine what life will be like in the Simpson/Wentz house, except for an excess of posturing and eyeliner. Nor, the more that I think about it, can I seriously picture a single time I’ve heard of either of the two actually traveling to the Bronx?

But the best part is the mainstream media’s coverage of the event. Despite her nose job and recent attempts at second-round pop stardom, publications like Reuters still refer to Simpson as the girl that lip-synched her way into infamy on Saturday Night Live, and Wentz’s music will be referred to as “pop-punk” until he dies.

Oh, and the kid’s middle name is Mowgli. Seriously.

And it blew. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like it left me wanting for mindless grinding and visualizers featuring the venerable President-elect. Instead, I came to the sobering realization that he’s just a fucking fancy DJ.

It was surreal to watch people scream and cheer for truncated samples of music. I felt retarded for cheering on a guy hunched over a laptop covered in scotch tape. I was embarrassed every time he knocked his computer over, revealing that the old man in the sound booth was really in control of the pre-mixed sets of gangster rap and 80s pop.

I can appreciate that it was a party. The point was and should be to just go to a huge room and drunkenly “dance” to a Girl Talk mix; but after the 10th minute of Mr. Girl Talk slowly head-banging to a loop of a drum beat, I began to deeply resent him and the two young ladies onstage from Mother Cabrini High School.

In the end, of course the music was great — it’s very unlikely anyone could go wrong with a series of hits from the past 30 years mashed together. (Which goes to show that if no one does another creative thing ever again we’ll be fine so long as someone can work Garageband and has access to their parent’s CD collection). But a concert? That felt silly. Especially since iTunes will be able to do the exact same thing in five years.

Kanye West: So I have this song, “Heartless,” and I’m really looking for a way to make another music video that features me almost exclusively, with maybe the occasional hot chick thrown in. It’d be great if there could be a lot of shots of me singing at the camera while wearing a blazer and impeccably white shoes. I’d like to do a little back-and-forth man dance at the same time, if we can swing that. Then obviously we’ll have the normal shots of a girl dancing with a sexy yet borderline-sullen look on her face, and maybe some neon lights in some of the backgrounds? I’m really into neon. And while I’m thinking about it, let’s play it safe by riding on the coattails of something as utterly watchable as “Harder Better Faster Stronger” was listenable, so we can’t really go wrong. That should take care of my final requirement, which is that the video has to be totally hypnotizing. Like coma-inducing.

(Director) Hype Williams: I know just the thing.

Get your headphones — or earplugs, depending on your musical taste — ready, because my money is on Marilyn Manson putting out his next album in less than six months. The rock star and absinthe aficionado is reportedly on the outs with his 18-years-younger girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood, who ended things at the end of October because Manson was fed up with her mooching brother hanging around Goth Headquarters a.k.a. the Manson Mansion. After all, the more people you have in the house, the more likely it is someone’s going to stumble across your collection of dead groupies, right?

Though Manson’s music could never really be characterized as “upbeat,” the last album bore the influence of the Wood romance — quirky love songs evocative of Prodigy on Prozac. While I actually enjoyed the departure from heavy guitar and throaty screams, I have to imagine even a brief stint on Marilyn Manson’s “dark side” (which includes things like contentment, pleasant dreams and sometimes laughter) will give the singer motive for a hell of a comeback. He might even kill Wood, hide the body and then sing songs about it, just to take things to a new level.

Meanwhile, if I were Evan Rachel Wood, I’d be hiding out no matter what. Even in Manson doesn’t murder you himself, you can bet his fans will.