Respect Authority

Movies I suggest for possible abolishment from TV syndication, as every time they’re on - EVERY TIME - regardless of how many times I’ve already seen any of these particular movies, I end up watching them. To the end. It’s like some sort of chemical imbalance and, frankly, I could really use all those hours back.

1. Forrest Gump

2. Miss Congeniality

3. How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days

4. Jurassic Park (and I own the DVD!)

5. Love Actually

6. Live Free or Die Hard

7. Bad Boys I or II

8. Twister

9. Zoolander

10. Tommy Boy/Black Sheep

Yes, he is.

While, I’ve long lost interest in America’s Death Spiral (I’m busy plotting the comeback!) Krugman’s latest blooooog entry annoyed me enough to care again.

The Geithner plan has now been leaked in detail. It’s exactly the plan that was widely analyzed — and found wanting — a couple of weeks ago. The zombie ideas have won.

Zombie ideas? Really? You’re a fucking Noble laureate Paul Krugman. Aren’t you beyond awkward fitting analogies? Aren’t we, as a people, beyond alarmist propaganda? You have no idea how to fix the economy, no one does, and your pseudo-intellectual doom-saying doesn’t address the problem at hand.

Maybe Geither’s plan to save the world is like pumping gallons of seawater into my California roll (oh my, that’s fun) but I believe in happy endings. In my worldview, when the handsome lead desperately pumps the chest of a decidedly drowned love interest — just when it seems certain they’re dead — the beautiful maiden finally coughs up water and is ready to make out. America’s waiting for her Zac Efron, Paul Krugman… get on board.

[The Conscience of a Liberal - NYTimes.com]

Now, I haven’t been impressed with Seth Rogen for a long time. Pineapple Express would have been barely entertaining and way too long had the subject matter been anything other than weed, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno had just enough novel nudity and crude humor to be bearable - more a testament to the last-ditch desperation of Kevin Smith than Rogen’s comedic prowess.

That said, and much in the same way Will Ferrell managed to shock me with the record low that was Kicking and Screaming, I’m both surprised and disappointed to find that Rogen is already writing his own will on the silver screen - and it’s called Observe and Report.

About the illicit plight of some mall cop who’s hell bent on stopping a flasher run amok, Observe and Report is pretty much Kevin James’ Mall Cop with a different overweight lead and undoubtedly less family-friendly humor. The fact that the movie is being released only a few short months after Mall Cop — which in my opinion only got attention because it didn’t star some predictably washed-up former Old School cast member — only makes this newest turd of the silver screen more embarrassing for Rogen, who really should have called it quits for a few years post-Pineapple.

Besides, really? Two movies about mall security guards? Are we really so starved for content as a creative people that we can’t think of slightly less mind-numbing material? Or are movies now bound to travel the brief and disastrous route of quirky nonfiction books - where a few blockbusters about the history of salt, or milk, gave way to a generation of books documenting the completely uninteresting backgrounds of everything from toothpicks to T-shirts. Let’s make something clear: Good Will Hunting should not be interpreted as carte blanche to make movies about every janitor, grocery store clerk and mall cop out there.

Oh, and a word of advice to the casting director over there at Mindless Movies Inc. - shaving a chubby guy’s head and removing his ostentatiously geeky glasses does not a sexually appealing man make. Even for trashy makeup-counter girl Anna Faris.

Sorry to leave you dedicated few shriveled up and a little to the right today, but the RA staff was a bit preoccupied with trying to keep our real jobs. It’s a tough economy out there, and for some reason nobody wants to sign up for my Ponzi scheme anymore, so it looks like my plan to either 1) get shamefully rich off fools or 2) go to jail and get free meals, cable, and mindblowing anal rape is a bit of a bust.

Fortunately, here’s a little sneak peak at the Where The Wild Things Are movie poster to help remind you what it was like when “wild” meant cutting loose like a careless party animal, and not letting your fingernails grow out or starting a collection of jars filled with your own urine as you shutter yourself away from the increasingly horrifying outside world.

The word whispering in the winds (hey, it sounds better than “I read this on like six different blogs today”) is that there will be a three-minute teaser in Dreamworks’ latest big budget turd, Monsters vs. Aliens. In case you’re saving that one for a Saturday afternoon smoke sesh, which will obviously make the movie seem much better than it actually is considering the experience will be devoid of both sobriety and scream-laughing children, you can check out some test footage from the film here, because I’m all over the Internet like the crystals on the dro. Like flies on a horse’s behind. Or really, like anything that appears in large quantities on anything else.

So yeah, you could say I’m wildin’ out about this movie. Wildin’ out more than Nick Cannon even.

Boy, oh boy. This documentary sure has a case of the Mondays.

The best kind of conspiracy theories are the ones that aren’t particularly biased — they don’t side with a liberal or conservative audience, rather working under the ideology that we are all fucked. And when you hate everyone, it’s a lot easier to feel like you’re always right, which is, obviously, awesome.

Anyway, those now iconic Shepard Fairey portraits of Obama are reminiscent of Soviet propaganda not only in their aesthetic, but also in the fact that they, um, are propaganda. And they worked — regardless of whether or not Obama truly does have a benevolent agenda. I don’t know if Obama is evil, or if all the world leaders are evil, but I do know that sometimes it definitely does look like that. However, take the documentary as it is; considering ominous, suspenseful music is generally not included as an objective standard in documentary film making, it’s probably best to remain skeptical and put the feeding tube down for a few while you watch this.

What’s almost more interesting than all the status quo shattering conspiracy theories, ad hominem attacks, and super credible commentary by the likes of famed political analyst KRS-One, is the speed with which this 2-hour documentary was produced, with plenty of factual evidence to argue their points stuffed in the cracks between all the crazies. Fahrenheit 9/11 took years of production, meanwhile, The Obama Deception came out before Obama himself has even gotten a chance to use every bathroom in the White House.

So, it finally came out. And we finally saw what had been brewing for nearly 20 years. A Watchmen adaptation fairly successfully executed in a time when the level of special effects could do the source material justice. But a good movie is not all special effects (I’m looking at you, George). And so we were… not quite underwhelmed… I don’t know, maybe just whelmed.

Maybe the procession of critics over the years saying that Watchmen was unfilmable were right, even in a time in cinema history when a movie’s budget can include $16 million dollars to create just one of its characters (then again, that’s about $40 million cheaper than Will Smith, so who’s the real superman now?) Maybe “unfilmable” meant more than special effects or time constraints — comic book to silver screen adaptation poses a tougher language barrier than the current fad of giant blockbuster superhero epic IMAX experiences may suggest, and invariably, some things get lost in the translation.

Nonetheless, animated short Saturday Morning Watchmen uses a far more liberal execution of the term “translation” — it’s a vibrant, freakish Candyland where Adrian might stop a nuclear war by giving all those damn ‘toons The Dip. Indeed, where the famed Ozymandias and his mutant sidekick Bubastis chase ghouls around haunted amusement parks ala Shaggy and Scooby Doo, just without all the backstage pot smoking. A place where Dr. Manhattan can somehow actually be more surreal than when he’s building elaborate, gyrating castles out of Martian sand.

Yep… it’s pretty fucking weird, and hilarious… though there are far fewer boobies and guts in this particular adaptation. Instead, those have been replaced by Josie’s (of the Pussycats) keytar and good lessons about protecting the environment.

Still… part of me can’t help but fondly imagine a crossover with the Turtles. When pizza would be totally radical in the past, present, and future simultaneously.

Point it at yourself. Please.

Finally, Tyler Perry is doing something right. 

According to the Associated Press, the director-writer-producer-actor-annoying motherfucker is mulling the potential death of Madea, the foul-mouthed grandmother character that Perry basically stole from The Nutty Professor and then made a billion annoying movies about. 

Although Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail topped the U.S. box office last weekend, exploiting countless idiots to make some $41 million in its first three days, Perry said he would “love to see Madea die a slow death in the next film.” 

Considering that no one’s movies are raking in the dough these days, and Jail is in line to top Perry’s first hit, Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion, it’s financially unlikely that the ridiculous character will actually kick the bucket. But the 39-year-old is apparently tired of becoming 187-year-old momma Madea, a process that probably involves at least seven hours of makeup. The only reason Madea’s still around: fans keep coming back. 

So if you hadn’t already dear readers, please boycott Madea. Because Tyler Perry’s Madea Fucking Finally Dies is a movie I would pay to see.

In an unexpected attempt to keep up with the water cooler gossip this morning (after all, even Aaron watched the Super Bowl) I took it upon myself yesterday to sit down for all 23 hours of the Academy Awards, marking the first time in probably five years that I’ve seen the overly dramatic ceremony firsthand. 

It’s not that I don’t care about the Oscars, or the self-indulgent gathering of hundreds of A-list celebrities — if anything the potential for reality-television levels of awkwardness should make the awards show a must-see for me. Rather, despite my attempts to forestall the inevitable whimsy that comes with being a child of Generation 2.0 or whatever we’re called, my attention span is not so much that hour upon hour of mind-numbing acceptance speeches and overpriced lighting effects can keep me interested. I usually tune out after the first 20 minutes. 

So I was pleasantly surprised to find myself entertained, if not quite riveted, by the proceedings last night. Hugh Jackman made a valiant effort to fill the “hosting because I probably won’t ever be nominated” role that’s seen its fair share of suffering since being vacated by Billy Crystal. The gowns were gorgeous, Brad Pitt was beautiful and Meryl Streep seemed to have eaten a monstrous piece of humble pie. Even the awarding of technical and musical awards went off without a hitch - since beloved TiVo allowed me to fast forward right through them. Read More ›

If there’s one person who could ruin America’s fairly universal loathing of Wall Street executives right now, it’s Michael Moore.

The fat activist (fativist), behind movies that include Bowling for Columbine and, more recently, Sicko, is putting out a call for people in the banking, brokerage and insurance industries to give him the inside scoop on the nation’s latest abysmal failure: Wall Street. 

“I am in the middle of shooting my next movie and I am looking for a few brave people who work on Wall Street or in the financial industry to come forward and share with me what they know,” Mr. Moore wrote on his Web site this week. “Based on those who have already contacted me, I believe there are a number of you who know ‘the real deal’ about the abuses that have been happening. You have information that the American people need to hear.”

Thanks, but no thanks. First of all, no one is more capable of destroying liberal thinking by shoving it aggressively down people’s throats than Moore. No matter how much I’ve agreed with his political and social positions in the past, I cringe when I see him on camera: a 683-pound representation of how Americans that benefit the most from this country (freedom of speech, capitalism, cheeseburgers) are those who appreciate it the least. I believe in gun control too, and universal health care, and preventing future terrorist attacks by having at least a marginally less sketchy government - but when Moore exploited a teen crippled by gunfire to picket the offices of gun-selling K-Mart, well I mostly just believed in using guns to kill annoying fat people. Read More ›

Nerds, that’s who.

So, if you’re not a nerd and have never been a nerd, Zack Snyder’s cinematic adaptation of the legendary graphic novel Watchmen is probably about as compelling a reason to head to theaters as Bride Wars or Hotel For Dogs is for people who, in high school, decided not to trade their precious gray matter for a treasured appointment as “the one kind of ugly and loserish cheerleader who wants so badly to be popular she’s willing to overlook that a year ago all the other cheerleaders used to throw gum in her hair (and still do actually)”.

On the other hand, while I have successfully been able to trick people into thinking I’m cool for years simply by wearing tight pants and swearing a lot, I am, nonetheless, officially changing my birthday to Watchmen’s release date of March 6th. You see, deep down, I am a nerd. That admission may sound shocking but come on, I wear prescription glasses, it’s a sure sign. Oh yeah, and I also have Hello Kitty posters in my bedroom.

This new viral video disguised as an insidious government PSA describes some of the background events leading up to the events of Watchmen, but for those dedicated, zit-faced few who already know the back story it’s merely an entertaining diversion. We were going to see the movie anyway, but I mean… good work giving some underpaid videographer something to do — way to stimulate the economy, guys! You’re the real superheroes!

The thing is, the flurry of promotional materials for this movie seems gratuitous at best, and utterly in vain at worst. Maybe it’s merely a generous handout to ravenous fans ready to jizz long strands of Batman grappling hooks in anticipation, but if it’s an actual attempt to garner hype for the film outside of its niché demographic, the producers must be delusional fools who’ve spent too much time in the proverbial world of Warcraft to remember that here on Earth, most people think comic books are for the people they spent their teenage years beating up. Indeed, unfortunate as it may be, it seems the average citizen would rather participate in dumb jock hobbies like, you know, having an awesome time drinking all night with their friends or enjoying noncommittal sex with incredibly attractive people. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

If you’ve seen even one preview for upcoming animated feature Coraline, then you - like me - likely assumed the film was written, produced and/or directed by Tim Burton, the brains behind gems like The Nightmare Before Christmas and duds like Sweeney Todd. 

Well, your assumption would be wrong. Some very legitimate investigative reporting (thanks IMDB, and Aaron) reveals that Tim Burton wasn’t involved in the production of Coraline - the creepy story of a girl who escapes into a “perfect” fantasy world, only to discover it’s full of evil, something I personally feel she should have assumed as soon as she saw everyone had buttons for eyes. In any case, the movie is directed by Henry Selick, who also directed The Nightmare Before Christmas, and was a classmate of Burton’s in art school. 

So if Selick was the mind behind Nightmare, ostensibly Tim Burton’s claim to fame, what exactly has Tim Burton done lately that warrants such unwavering respect? Well, he did produce Nightmare, and wrote, produced and directed The Corpse Bride, which actually isn’t something I’d brag about. In the last decade, he also directed Sweeney Todd, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Big Fish, the last of which was phenomenal. But all of his other career-making films - Batman, Batman Returns, Edward Scissorhands and Beetle Juice - were at least 12 years ago, and he spent the late 1990s making enjoyable but fluffy films like Mars Attacks! and Sleepy Hollow. Read More ›

Where’s Kevin Costner when you need him?

I guess that’s not a question we ask ourselves very often - since who ever needs (or even wants) Kevin Costner? But with the nation’s postmaster general announcing this week that huge deficits may force the post office to drop a day of mail delivery each week, it seems Kevin Costner may be the new Jack Bauer. 

Indeed, postmaster general John Potter said Wednesday that the post office was nearly $3 billion in the red last year, and asked lawmakers to lift the requirement that the agency deliver mail six days a week. The ousted day may not even be obvious-choice Saturday, but a weekday with typically light delivery. 

So why am I looking for Kevin you ask? Well, in the year 2013, civilization will have all but destroyed itself. After a war decimates the government, most of the nation’s population will strugle to survive against starvation and rogue groups of armed men. One such group will be called the Holnists, and their leader, General Bethlehehm, will have delusions of running the country. A drifter (Kev) will be captured by said group and forced to join. He’ll escape at first chance, and happen upon a mail jeep with a skeleton in it. In the interest of keeping warm, he’ll don the skeleton’s cozy postal uniform, after which he will find a mailbag and begin delivering old letters, thereby restoring hope to small cities throughout the nation. 

Eventually he gets inspired, takes down the Holnists and restores faith in America, but that’s besides the point. The point is that in 1997, Kevin Costner promised us that when the apocalypse comes, someone will still be delivering the mail. And I expect that promise to be kept. Just like I expect him to lead me to land when the polar ice caps melt and the Earth’s surface is covered in water and one-eyed Dennis Hoppers.