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It’s a bird. It’s a bird covered in oil.

Filed Under: Politics, Pop Culture, Science and Medicine

Now that it’s become abundantly clear neither man nor machine can solve what’s happening in the Gulf of Mexico, I think it’s high time we start looking for alternatives. And no, I don’t mean collecting pounds of hair from the floors of high school gym showers worldwide and shoving them in the still-spewing rig. Rather, we need to think outside of the box, and in this case the box is reality.

It’s pretty obvious the oil spill is a job for a superhero. In fact, it’s exactly the kind of pseudo-natural disaster for which superheroes are uniquely prepared. Can’t get into space on a whim? Call Superman. Need to ascend that skyscraper in 30 seconds flat? Text Spiderman. And if you just need a quick fix of a woman in latex, I’m pretty sure Catwoman hasn’t done much of anything since the early 90s.

So who in our long parade of superheroes and villains is best suited to handle what’s arguably the biggest environmental disaster in our country’s history? Well we at RA thought of some ideas that, frankly, don’t sound all that batshit next to “throw tires in there.” (Note: Aaron thought of most of this. His knowledge of superheroes is unparalleled and, were it not so helpful to this post, I would be mocking him).


oilbatman-100x100BATMAN: BP may have a lock on the advanced technology surrounding offshore drilling, but I’m pretty sure Batman was behind everything from the Hummer to the Internet. Dude has mad gadgets. And the fact that the government (and therefore the massive companies to which the government pays endless lip service) is heavily involved in the industry suggests Wayne Enterprises probably has something up its sleeves for this. Some CIA oil-containing secret weapon that was in development in the 80s and then got scrapped because, well, not containing oil is certainly more profitable. Morgan Freeman would be all over this.


oilcyclops-100x100CYCLOPS: All things considered, an optic beam is a good thing to have laying around. After all, the rig is made of metal, and a good blast from old One Eye could probably seal the thing in a few seconds flat. Whether Cyclops can swim that far underwater is another question. I imagine this is where Storm would come in handy; she could probably part the seas for Cyclops and then, to quote Aaron, “make like a waterspout that sucks up all the oil and have like Professor X levitate that shit into space.”


oilmagneto-100x100MAGNETO: It’s ill-advised to rely on Magneto for much of anything that involves “saving humanity,” but even mutants can’t live on Sludge Planet. Seems it’d be fairly easy for him to pile a bunch of metal shit on that open pipe (think the electromagnetic/nuclear explosion that killed Juliet in LOST).


oiltheflash-100x100THE FLASH: This is a little grim, but so is watching herons and gulls wash up on the shores of Loiusiana looking more tarred than feathered. In one comic, The Flash ran around the world so fast that he went back in time, which would be useful for turning back the clock a month, killing everyone on the rig (whatever, they were going to die anyway) and preventing this from ever happening. As a side benefit, I’m not opposed to canceling out that intoxicated night of karaoke I had last week.


oilaquaman-100x100AQUAMAN: It stands to reason that the dude has some expertise when it comes to water-related disasters. That said, he uses creatures of the ocean to help him, which might be a lost cause right now. There’d have to be some sort of global outreach on the part of sea creatures to solicit help from those in far-flung places. Sort of like when Scuttle and Flounder got all the sea animals to ruin Prince Eric’s wedding to Ursula in The Little Mermaid.


oilspiderman-100x100SPIDERMAN: Not sure how useful Spiderman would be for the actual sealing of the rig, but assuming he was down for a collaborative effort, the cleanup work here would be massive. Some uniquely manufactured spider webs, designed to pick up oil and filter water, would come in mighty handy over the next, I don’t know, three decades.


oilsuperman-100x100SUPERMAN: It’s fair to say getting Superman involved is a surefire way to get this shit taken care of, and in time for him to go home and bang Lois. The options are limitless: traveling back in time, sealing the pipe with heat vision, freezing the whole area and throwing it into space, plugging it with Lex Luther. When you can pull off underwear outside the pants, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want.


Now I know what you’re thinking—what about Captain Planet? It’s true that the captain, whose job as a superhero is pretty much to prevent or stop this exact kind of disaster, should be on the task force. But to be honest, I haven’t seen him deliver on that whole “bring pollution down to zero” promise, so I’m willing to give everyone else a try first.

Got your own ideas? Let us know. But let’s be honest, they won’t be nearly as awesome.

 
kira

1:52 PM on June 4th, 2010 | 

Posted by kira

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Pnwed

Filed Under: Politics

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 
kira

12:27 PM on December 9th, 2009 | 

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The Not So Amazing Race

Filed Under: Politics, Screenshots From Kira's Television

So this is the first time since I moved to NYC that I find myself caring about city politics — the mayor, to be specific. It’s a weird feeling, caring, especially without the pop culture backing of something like a presidential election. I mean, there are a LOT of people in this country, most people, who couldn’t give a shit about the mayor of New York, and I generally like to fall in the range of “most people” on things — except U2, Seinfeld and Jell-O. But some budding adult in me decided to watch the mayoral debate last night. I could say I wanted to educate myself, or at the very least be prepared for next-day water cooler gossip, but the truth is I find political debates wildly riveting when I’m high. In some bizarre reverse-intellectual way, I think it’s because they’re the ultimate reality television. …(Someday when I’m older, I’m going to read that sentence again and be embarrassed).

So after an hour of bad lighting, awkward arguments and lots of political gibberish, I took away one thing:

Bill Thompson: “In conclusion, if you don’t vote for me, I will fucking shoot Mike Bloomberg in the head and bury him at Hudson Yards with a gravestone that says ‘Term Limit Reached, Motherfucker.’” *

dscn6048-450x337

*Note: Bill Thompson did not say this.

 
kira

9:30 AM on October 14th, 2009 | 

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The Blubbernor’s Race

Filed Under: Food and Drink, Politics

govsI knew this day would come. With all the mud slinging that goes on in the world of politics, the nation’s obsession with obesity, and the undeniable stigma of being a fat anything these days—doctor, teacher, waiter—it was only a matter of time between two worlds collided in a big explosion of rhetoric and cholesterol.

The New York Times came out with a story today on the utterly boring but I guess somewhat relevant governor’s race in New Jersey. Incumbent John Corzine, in a new television ad, less-than-discreetly alludes to his adversary’s, well, weight. In the ad, gubernatorial hopeful Christopher Christie (by the by, what kind of fucking name is this?) steps out of an SUV in slow motion, “his extra girth moving … in several different directions at once,” as the Times so eloquently puts it. The narrator, meanwhile, says Christie “threw his weight around” to avoid traffic tickets.

This isn’t the first time Corzine’s commercials have, let us say, highlighted Christie’s weight, though the governor denies it (after having watched the ad, I too think Christie’s camp, or at least the Times, is overreacting). But it may very well be the latest in what I would consider an impending paradigm shift—weight, once a completely off-limits subject for any public figure outside the realm of entertainment celebrity, is becoming a sticking point. When Regina Benjamin was nominated for surgeon general, people were quick to question whether she was “too fat” for the job.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t been critical of obesity time and time again on this site — but I don’t think someone’s judgment when it comes to cheeseburgers is related to their judgment on public policy. Shit, if love of cheeseburgers and holding informed political opinions were mutually exclusive, I’d have a damn hard time choosing between the two. Especially if the cheeseburgers were from McDonald’s.

Moreover, were I running for any public office in the great state of New Jersey, I would avoid making critical comments, however subtle, on the basis of my opponent’s appearance. Especially if I looked just like John Hammond from Jurassic Park.

[NY Times]

 
kira

10:18 AM on October 8th, 2009 | 

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Terrorble Times

Filed Under: Politics, Pop Culture

zaziOkay, so it’s not that I don’t respect the threat of terrorism. I totally believe there are plenty of people out there hell-bent on destroying America, because the American way of life — wealthy, overweight, pretty much awesome — is for obvious reasons offensive to some. Plus, the world is full of crazies. Shit, my block is full of crazies.

But  despite my understanding of, and respect for, the global terror threat (my personal alert level is at a consistent and understated yellowy-orange hue), I’m finding it hard to muster up some fear when it comes to the nonstop coverage of Najibullah Zazi, the Colorado man arrested for hatching a plot to detonate bombs in Manhattan subways.

Zazi (which is way easier to type than Najibullah) reportedly went shopping in the days before his arrest for all manner of beauty supply products, which together would have created a bomb capable of as much destruction as we saw during similar attacks in London and Madrid. The New York Times, ever sensational, called the terror case “one of the most serious in years.”

….Really? I mean, really? Eight years ago, a handful of men flew planes full of people into buildings, also full of people, and our most serious threat in 2009 is a 24-year-old building basement bombs out of hairspray and nail polish remover? Who got caught. Might we not, as a country, consider this an improvement on our state of affairs?

I take the subway every day, and on my very long mental checklist of possible dangers — urine, homeless people, homeless people urinating — terrorism is somewhere around No.79. I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know that my chances of getting mugged, molested or murdered on the train are astronomically higher than getting blown up.

Some part of me, by which I mean all of me, thinks it’s high time we start concerning ourselves with what I’ll call “preventable” terrorism — plots that involve ingredients or procedures large-scale enough to warrant attention. Unless Duane Reade has plans to stop selling nail polish remover, chances are high there will always be someone, somewhere, perfectly capable of building a bomb. Look at how long meth has survived in the basement labs of suburban middle America. By the same token, as long as there are people willing to kill themselves in an effort to kill others, there’s just really not a whole lot we can do about it.

In the meantime, while perusing convenience stores for beauty supplies, Zazi might consider investing in some hair maintenance. Beards are so last year.

 
kira

9:51 AM on September 25th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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Celebrate Good Times

Filed Under: Politics

electionwinDespite low voter turnout (thanks Bloomberg) for the city primaries this year, this lady was pretty fucking excited.

Her elation is impressive considering the victory was just a Staten Island Council seat. Unless this photo is actually from some sort of concert sweepstakes. Or perhaps she just found an apartment in another borough, any other borough. Maybe she won a gift certificate to the Staten Island mall? Or a free pair of stone-washed jeans and 20% off her next hairspray purchase.

Either way, congrats Debi.

 
kira

2:00 PM on September 16th, 2009 | 

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The Real Shawshank Redemption

Filed Under: Politics, Pop Culture, Urban Living

prisoner

Free at last.

The news is filled with scandal these days. Washington D.C. plans to offer STD testing in all of its high schools, Michael Douglas’ son was busted on drug charges (insert Traffic reference here), and with Sarah Palin’s resignation taking a toll on her ability to troll for Soviet-inspired terrorism, Russian submarines are already overstaying their welcome off the shores of the east coast.

But all of that pales in comparison to what’s going on in California: no, not the imminent decriminalization and possible legalization of marijuana, or the fact that the state’s been paying off its IOUs with more IOUs. No, the big question for California is whether or not it’s about to become the world’s next Australia, minus the kangaroos and slew of attractive movie stars. This week, a panel of federal judges ordered the state’s prison system to reduce its inmate population of 150,000 by 40,000, around 27%, over the next two years.

Like New York, California is notorious for its overflowing prisons, bolstered by low-level drug offenses and the state’s infamous three strikes policy. Reducing the inmnate demographic by 27% is no small feat, and state officials only have 45 days to come up with a plan. Naturally, we at RA have taken it upon ourselves to offer a few suggestions for what to do when presented with 40,000 newly freed ex-convicts. Read More ›

 
kira

1:11 PM on August 5th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us!

Filed Under: Politics, Pop Culture

obama-450x385

The video clears things up a little, but I still think he was taking a gander.

 
kira

11:23 AM on July 10th, 2009 | 

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You Save the World, We’ll Fuck Up Mountains

Filed Under: Politics

Today, Greenpeace, (a.k.a. “goddamn tree-huggers”) shrouded the blank area next to President Lincoln’s face on Mt. Rushmore with a huge freaking banner that says “America honors leaders not politicians: Stop Global Warming” with Obama’s face as the background.

So as I understand it, Greenpeace is attempting to bribe the Leader of the Free World with a prime spot on Creepy Face Mountain in exchange for solving the world’s pollution problem. A lofty promise, indeed: is Obama to believe that Greenpeace’s members have the right or power to speak for all other American people in matters of national iconography? And if our idols are to be honored, should what some may call a defacement of a national monument be considered honorable? In 2012, will Greenpeace offer to convert Abraham Lincoln’s face into Sarah Palin’s in exchange for the end of off-shore drilling?

I’d like to be the first to suggest the Greenpeace people, especially the street-walking volunteers, be locked up for attempting to bribe the American President and interrupting the monotonous flow of the people on their lunch break.

 
charlie

3:39 PM on July 9th, 2009 | 

Posted by charlie

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Scandal Tastes Like Apple Pie

Filed Under: Politics

palin

"I'm serious Todd, I'm out. I can't do this. Do you know I haven't been hunting in three weeks? Three weeks! I haven't wanted to shoot something this bad since McCain wet his Depends."

My first thought after reading about Sarah Palin’s resignation was that this all just seems a bit too easy. It’s not that Obama doesn’t have his fair share of critics, or that there aren’t plenty of crazies out there just waiting to get their hands on a shotgun and clear line of sight. But with the Republican party undergoing this domino effect of leadership failure, it feels like the future of America is being handed to Democrats on a silver platter; like liberal thinkers are rebuilding the country while a series of GOP lemmings follow one another off a cliff.

So either we should be thanking our lucky stars and stripes or making sure our fallout shelters are well-stocked; if this is all part of some massive underground neo-conservative plan to take the country by storm, then color me distracted (and optimistic) enough to not see it coming. For now I’ll just consider Palin’s July 26 departure date a fairly awesome birthday present to me.

Though Palin’s resignation—and the sad fact that geriatric John McCain withstood more political firebombing than the gun-toting Alaska native—is surely a blow to the country’s leadership-less conservatives, worry not Dems: there was some scandal in your neck of the woods too this July 4. Former Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry was arrested this weekend and charged with stalking a female acquaintance.

Now, Barry is the same former mayor who during his third term was captured on film smoking crack in a hotel room. But in a fate I suspect Sarah Palin won’t share, Barry, who is also currently on probation in a federal tax evasion case, was reelected four years after the whole “That’s not my crack!” thing. Here’s the key GOP: Don’t campaign on family values, and no one will blame you if you don’t have them.

 
kira

9:24 AM on July 6th, 2009 | 

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You Down With G-O-P?

Filed Under: Politics, The Future Freaks Me Out

ter·ri·fy [ter-uh-fahy]
–verb (used with object), -fied, -fy⋅ing.
to fill with terror or alarm; make greatly afraid.

Synonyms:
What this video does to people with a firm grasp on reality.

Related:
ter·or·ism (auditory), noun

See also:
Things that make me ashamed to be white.

 
aaron

10:54 AM on June 25th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

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Yes, I Stole This From Gawker

Filed Under: Politics

Twenty-minute speeches on world peace and universal healthcare notwithstanding, it’s these types of moments that make me happy Obama is president.

 
kira

10:06 AM on June 17th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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