Respect Authority

Big news in agriculture today, guys. In case you haven’t heard, the makers of high fructose corn syrup are looking to sweeten the much-maligned ingredient’s name (and reputation) by renaming it “corn sugar.” Indeed, The Corn Refiners Association, which probably has badass holiday parties, applied to the federal government Tuesday for permission to use the new name on food labels. They’re hoping the new moniker will ease “confusion” about the sweetener, which is used in soft drinks, bread, cereal and pretty much everything else that tastes too good to be true.

Calling American’s perception of high fructose corn syrup ‘confusion’ is sort of like saying people who still smoke cigarettes are enlightened. There’s not much to be confused about: If you’ve read any sort of Michael Pollan-esque book, or watched Food Inc.—for the record, I’ve done neither because I choose to live in artfully imposed food ignorance—you’re painfully aware that corn is in everything, and not in a good way.

But hey, who are we to question the powers of advertising. In fact, a number of not-so-great products could probably benefit from a corn sugar-esque overhaul. Here’s a list of RA’s best rebranding ideas.

• Cigarettes  Sugar-Free Candy Cigarettes
• Donuts Miniature Cake (”Minus a ‘Hole’ Lotta Calories!”)
• Vodka Tonic Mix
• Beer Apple Juice For Men
• Caffeine pills  Stain-Free Coffee Alternative
• Bacon All Natural Beef Jerky
• Heroin Rapid-Release Sleep Aid
• Tanning oil  Jersey Shore Home Styling Kit
• Potato chips Healthy Choice French Fry Flakes
• Aerosol X-Treme Spritz

All I want to know is: How did ChickenDiapers.com remained unclaimed until 2002?

[WSJ]

This stuff never really gets old. Also, he’s French!

This is the kind of stellar branding that goes on in suburban Pennsylvania.

I knew a kid in middle school with a Fight Club T-shirt. The back of the shirt, which included the rather redundant list of club rules outlined in the film, proved a valuable distraction in the midst of eighth grade science, but I always thought it was a bit disingenuous. After all, I knew this guy—he got A’s in school and probably played a lot of video games. Presented with an actual fight, I find it hard to believe he wouldn’t wind up stuffed in a locker with a bloody nose.

Today’s revelation that Kyle Shaw, the 17-year-old arrested and charged in connection with a small explosion outside an Upper East Side Starbucks, only proves a theory I’ve retained since those adolescent years: Fight Club really appealed to losers. Read More ›

It’s taken awhile, and no small sacrifice of dignity, to admit that Shia LaBeouf is an up-and-comer, if not an already-came-and-doing-so-well-it-defies-all-logic-er. When the one-time Disney star nailed a leading role in Disturbia, wherein he churned out sarcastic one-liners and got to kiss a girl way out of his league, we at RA realized this pint-sized goofball was a force to be reckoned with. While the shock of seeing nearly-geriatric Harrison Ford duke it out with Commies made Indiana Jones a Shia sleeper, the 22-year-old’s reappearance as leading man in Eagle Eye meant LaBeouf was back in the saddle. Unfortunately for him, the action thriller, whose budget could no doubt feed a small country, lost out in the box office this weekend to, I shit you not, Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Given that particularly embarrassing coup, perhaps its time to put Even Stevens’ quip-master back in his place. For this Dumb or Dumber, RA toiled away on a line-by-line comparison between Shia and original sarcasm-purveyor Justin Long, who would probably be on welfare right now if it wasn’t for Apple. Read More ›