Respect Authority

May 6, 2009 (Burbank, CA) —
In a surprising finish after a record shattering vote, David Alan Grier has won the latest installment of ABC’s popular dancing reality show, Dancing With the Stars. Mr. Grier (or is it Mr. Alan Grier?) and his dance partner Baya from The Real World Brooklyn, outlasted superstar A-lister, Nancy O’Dell and her partner, Billy Elliot (the actual film, and not the character from said film) by securing 52% of the final vote in the program’s highest rated hour of television in its 8 season (8, really?) history.

Before his turn on DWTS, comedy chameleon David Alan Grier was probably best known as the star of the recently canceled Comedy Central show Chocolate News, and for winning the NHL’s Rookie of the Year award in 1991 before abruptly retiring and founding an unsuccessful chain of peach orchards in Tuscon, AZ. After his victory, David Alan Grier released the following statement:

“I, David Alan Grier, am ecstatic to learn that I have won the title as best celebrity dancer. As you may or may not already know, it’s been a rough year for me and my imaginary family. I’d now like to take the opportunity to thank three people in helping me become television’s best fake celebrity dancer for the months of March through early May 2009. Read More ›

Since I’m assuming I’m a little older than most of you, I’m giving you a warning. This is what happens once you reach a certain age and are on Facebook. The people involved in this following status update conversation (ugh) are at least two years older than me. Please don’t turn into these people. Please.

This is an exact grammatical transcript. The following took place last Friday afternoon:

Kristi S. is wishing this day would just be over already

Dan M. - sorry about that . . . hope it gets better . . . TGIF!

Mickey M. (looks at least 40 in his picture) - Friday always seem to go the slowest, don’t they?

Kate K. - Word. This day blows. But, I love you! XoXoXo

Janet N. - I am right there with you!!!

Dan M. (again) - Keep smiling kid, only 4 more hours to go or so . . .

Amy G. - I’m no kidding - and would be nice if the wknd lasted like a week! miss you!

Nancy M. - Same here . . . this week felt long . . .

I have to run through about 5 or 6 of these conversations per day. I can’t not look at them. If you feel that you may be one of these people in the future, please do us all a favor and terminate your account. If you don’t feel like you’ll be able to do this on your own, then let me know, and I’ll come over to wherever you live with my smotherin’ pillow. It’s kind of like Ben Affleck’s paddle in Dazed and Confused, except it’s a pillow with the logos of all 30 baseball teams on it. Read More ›

Commercials used to be fun. Well some of them were anyway. Maybe fun’s not the best word. What am I tryin to say here? Ah yes — they used to not all be so very awful. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the quality and likability of commercials has gone down since the rise of tivos/dvrs. With so many people fast-forwarding through commercial breaks to get back to their stories, many of your normal 15 to 30 second spots have had to get your attention in another way just in case your finger slips off your remote, or if you’re actually watching a television program like we all used to way back in the ’90s.

The last commercial I can think of that I truly enjoyed (and by this I mean that I’ve never not laughed at it) and had some sort of charm was this one, while on the other hand, I can name about five commercials that I saw in the last day that make me want to eat my own eyeballs.

The sad state of commercials didn’t really get my attention until October when I first saw this abomination: don’t click here - you’ve been warned, along with the Bud Light “Drinkability” commercials every five minutes while the Phillies were making their run through the playoffs. Thankfully, the Phillies won the World Series and I was a lot less concerned about Toyota and Bud Light, but now that those commercials are dead, I think we need to pay attention to just how bad things have gotten, and that’s where Kommercial Korner comes in. So thanks to me, you now have a place to go where you can pay attention to commercials (outside of the Super Bowl). Either that, or you can just skip this and read a different post. It’s up to you really.

Commercial the First (please watch it at least twice for full effect):

Read More ›

It looks like Britney Spears is at it again.

After a rough couple of years that included public meltdowns, custody battles, and numerous supposed comebacks, Spears finds herself once again in another massive controversy.  Amidst her current and so far disaster-free comeback, a new group is speaking out against some of the recent choices made by the once half-girl-almost-woman pop hybrid.  In the past, Spears has dealt with the wrath of the Barbers’ Union (for self-shearing inside an active barber shop without union approval), Travelers Insurance (for her unfortunate portrayal of their corporate logo), and the Sea Shepherds (who have questioned her Samurai Spirit on many occasions).

Now, surprisingly, a Mid-Atlantic chapter of the Society for the Survival of Suffering Stutterers (Suh-Sur-Suff-Stuh for short) in Plainsboro Township, NJ, has spoken out against the pop star and her hit single, Womanizer. In a statement they started writing in mid-October but only just finished and released this morning, regional spokesperson and local Spanish Club Vice-President, Kyle Filiwitz said the following: Read More ›

Imagine a possible scenario in the not so distant future…

An Army of Onesies

Under the new law, all former abortion-eligible babies (which is what they prefer to be called) were placed in the military immediately after birth. This new wing of soldiers has been named “The Fightin’ Fetuses,” and their record so far has been most impressive, though quite messy at times. Much like John McCain’s America.

President McCain was elected in a landslide victory in November 2008 thanks to hundreds of thousands of “Joe the Racists” finally coming together in an epic moment of national unity. Former Senator Barack Obama (now deported) was thought to end the eight year drought of Democrats in the Oval Office, but unfortunately for him, he was only able to carry the vote in Newport News, Virginia.
Read More ›

We are all witnesses. We are all laughing, smiling, idiotic witnesses of the death of one of America’s most beloved funny women (women here is plural, and just barely). I’m talking, of course, about Ana Gasteyer. Actually, no, I’m talking about the painful ongoing death of Tina Fey, and no one realizes what’s happening.

Just a little more than a month ago, Tina Fey was the at the toppermost of the poppermost. Years after becoming the first ever female head writer of SNL, then a star of the show thanks to Weekend Update, followed by a successful turn in writing the only watchable thing Lindsay Lohan has ever done, Fey created 30 Rock, the funniest network sitcom over the last year and a multiple Emmy winner. Things were going great for Tina Fey.

Everyone loved her (and not just those among us anymore who are turned on by the ever important glasses/facial scar combo) and she was in the very rare breed of being a female comedian who is actually, legitimately funny (though she still trails Amy Sedaris in that department). Even starring in a not so great movie, and a not so annoying commercial, was good for her because it pushed her closer to becoming a major mainstream star, and deservedly so. Not all transitions go so smoothly (I’m looking at you, Wanda Sykes).

So then what happened you ask?  Why is she dying?  The answer is a two-parter with the first part being very clear and simple: Sarah Palin.
Read More ›

October 15, 2008 (9:47PM ET) -
In unprecedented, yet inevitable news, Comedy Central has canceled it’s brand new series, Chocolate News, after just two commercial breaks. The host and star of this brand newly canceled “comedy” programme is the self-proclaimed “poor man’s Delroy Lindo of the Comedy World,” David Alan Grier.  Upon learning this news, Mr. Grier (or is it Mr. Alan Grier?) released the following prepared statement (pending review for future release on his MySpace page) during what would have been the third act costume change:

“I, David Alan Grier, am disheartened to learn that my brand new show, Chocolate News, has been canceled by the same geniuses at Comedy Central who asked me to do this show in the first place.  When I got the offer to produce and star in this project, I was curious as to why I was even getting a show at all. I mean, I haven’t intentionally been funny since I killed my mother during child birth, yet here I was, carrying a show that was only created to be some sort of Carlos Mencia-esque version of Chappelle’s Show. I guess Comedy Central didn’t realize that they already had that type of show on their network which was already being hosted by a man named Carlos Mencia.  Who knows? Maybe that’s why that show has been in production for so many years? Also Sarah Silverman.

Anyway, that’s not my problem anymore. I’d now like to directly address my many fans who may want to know of upcoming projects. So, Rodney Jefferson of Rockford, Illinois, I plan on returning to my roots as a street performer who dances for unfiltered candy cigarettes and voluntarily licks anything put within seven feet of what I like to call my ‘face area.’ Thank you for your time. Are you gonna eat that?”

Comedy Central plans to replace Chocolate News with old episodes of Margaret Cho’s classic American sitcom, All American Girl, and the 6 very best episodes of Dave’s World starring Harry Anderson.