Respect Authority

Big news in agriculture today, guys. In case you haven’t heard, the makers of high fructose corn syrup are looking to sweeten the much-maligned ingredient’s name (and reputation) by renaming it “corn sugar.” Indeed, The Corn Refiners Association, which probably has badass holiday parties, applied to the federal government Tuesday for permission to use the new name on food labels. They’re hoping the new moniker will ease “confusion” about the sweetener, which is used in soft drinks, bread, cereal and pretty much everything else that tastes too good to be true.

Calling American’s perception of high fructose corn syrup ‘confusion’ is sort of like saying people who still smoke cigarettes are enlightened. There’s not much to be confused about: If you’ve read any sort of Michael Pollan-esque book, or watched Food Inc.—for the record, I’ve done neither because I choose to live in artfully imposed food ignorance—you’re painfully aware that corn is in everything, and not in a good way.

But hey, who are we to question the powers of advertising. In fact, a number of not-so-great products could probably benefit from a corn sugar-esque overhaul. Here’s a list of RA’s best rebranding ideas.

• Cigarettes  Sugar-Free Candy Cigarettes
• Donuts Miniature Cake (”Minus a ‘Hole’ Lotta Calories!”)
• Vodka Tonic Mix
• Beer Apple Juice For Men
• Caffeine pills  Stain-Free Coffee Alternative
• Bacon All Natural Beef Jerky
• Heroin Rapid-Release Sleep Aid
• Tanning oil  Jersey Shore Home Styling Kit
• Potato chips Healthy Choice French Fry Flakes
• Aerosol X-Treme Spritz