Respect Authority

…Occasionally, sometimes…still the best fucking show on television.

Captain Planet was fucking stupid. Here’s a cartoon that’s supposed to be teaching kids to be environmentally conscious, simultaneously coercing them to stay perched in front of the television, wasting electricity and not doing shit about the wonderful outdoors the great green mullet was always working so hard to protect.

Would have loved to see how Ma-Ti handled his “heart” ring in college though.

A couple of notes:

1. Classic cartoons synced up with Three Six Mafia singles are pretty much always entertaining.

2. Pop-up YouTube speech bubbles are the worst invention on the Internet since, uh, whatever the last worst invention was.

In addition to all the rappers, producers and celebrities interviewed for 50 Cent’s episode of Behind the Music: his barber. Which is even more interesting considering I don’t think I’ve ever seen 50 Cent’s hair.

This seems like a pretty reputable offer. I mean… why not give it a try? You win either way.

In the world of rap, where a criminal history is the closest thing to a job requirement, it takes a unique artist to pull away from the traditional club shootings and drug deals. Cue Lil Wayne: Although the Grammy award winner was busted in 2007 for what might be considered the most predictable of rapper follies—an unregistered gun and the undeniable billowing of marijuana smoke from his tour bus—he broke the mold this week by pleading guilty to second-degree weapons possession and agreeing to spend a year in jail.

The choice was arguably a smart one: had he gone to trial, Wayne was likely to face upwards of three years in prison, depending on whether the court accepted a controversial DNA profiling technique that involves identifying suspects based on something like a dozen human cells. But considering the debate surrounding low copy number DNA profiling, he also had a chance of winning the case altogether—critics say the results of such testing are too problematic to be trusted.

Take note, rappers: There are lessons to be learned here. For one, manage to proceed through an entire court case without acting like a stereotype, and you’ll be given serious accolades in the mainstream press. Every article I’ve read about this mentions Wayne’s somber attitude during the proceeding, and courteous, if not reluctant, plea. As though making rap music precludes one from knowing to say “sir” when speaking to a judge. I mean, the man was wearing a fucking scarf; I think it’s pretty clear intimidation was not on his to-do list. Read More ›

"Next stop: Judge Judy."

Balloon Boy is ruining reality television.

Just one week ago the world seemed apathetically at ease with what’s easily become the most popular (or at least most predominant) genre of television. Shows like Big Brother and Survivor, which years ago paved the way for reality TV amid much controversy, now seem tame when pitted against even more low-brow fare like Bad Girls Club and Dance Your Ass Off. The barrier to entry has gotten undeniably lower. Shows used to require elaborate set-ups involving obstacle courses, cash prizes and the eating of bugs; these days all you need is a foul mouth, or fourteen children.

So when six-year-old Falcon Heene duped the nation last week, reportedly at the behest of his fame-seeking crazy person of a father, critics were quick to condemn reality TV for perpetuating these kinds of stunts, and bringing about the worst in human nature. In other words, it’s not entirely Papa Heene’s fault. Can he truly be blamed for tricking the authorities, and the viewing public, into believing his son was trapped in a giant UFO-like helium balloon? Well gee golly, certainly not, considering the effect these sorts of lowest-common-denominator programs have had on the human psyche.

It’s precisely this sort of retarded—that’s a scientific choice of words, retarded—thinking that absolves countless people from responsibility because of ideas “society” has put in their heads. Fame, all fifteen minutes of it, existed long before Donald Trump started hiring apprentices, or Jon and Kate had 900 kids. And people have long aspired to stardom; otherwise the entire entertainment industry would be phenomenally boring. Read More ›

Apologies are in order for my YouTube blog feeding tube of late. However, I’m about to be completely hypocritical and share yet another YouTube video. I’m sorry, I’m sorry — it’s really not my fault this was so awesome. I’m only trying to give you something to kill a few minutes with, because as any of us 9-to-5ers know, every little time waster counts.

I’ve posted about near-death experiences on the Mega Ramp before. And just like those that have nearly fallen prey to the ramp’s demands before, Bob Burnquist’s survival is nothing short of jaw-dropping. The difference here is that Bob doesn’t bail — despite fumbling his board mid-air, he still manages to wrangle it back under control, using some powers he picked up at Hogwarts last semester or something, and rides away! Seriously though, I’m pretty sure magic was involved here at some point. Black magic.

The video is not just entertaining, but also a mood lifter, as I feel much better about having a sprained knee after watching it. At least now I have an excuse for why I suck, otherwise this would just be fucking embarrassing.

So Spike Jonze’s short film / kinda music video featuring Kanye West, titled “We Were Once a Fairytale”, has been spreading like H1N1 across the blogs today, officially certifying Jonze as the currently most hyped director of wild children or child-like men in Hollywood.

Nonetheless, the hype is pretty much deserved. Interestingly enough, this was filmed before the whole VMA Hennesseygate incident, so that only adds to its strangely enrapturing surrealism. All in all, I thought it was pretty awesome, but…

Beyonce had one of the best videos of the year.

YouTube recommended this for me today. I can’t imagine what that says about my Internet video choices, except that I favor diversity: this came after an interview with Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl, and just before something called “Kiley Minogue’s Hot Boy Dancers.” You can see why I made the choice I did. In any case, this is awesome, so thanks YouTube.

Alright, there’s been a lot of food / fatness related content lately. So what better way to put that to rest than suggest a really fantastic diet program? It even worked for Santa… I mean come on, that guy was fat!

Seriously though… this is insane.

So this is the first time since I moved to NYC that I find myself caring about city politics — the mayor, to be specific. It’s a weird feeling, caring, especially without the pop culture backing of something like a presidential election. I mean, there are a LOT of people in this country, most people, who couldn’t give a shit about the mayor of New York, and I generally like to fall in the range of “most people” on things — except U2, Seinfeld and Jell-O. But some budding adult in me decided to watch the mayoral debate last night. I could say I wanted to educate myself, or at the very least be prepared for next-day water cooler gossip, but the truth is I find political debates wildly riveting when I’m high. In some bizarre reverse-intellectual way, I think it’s because they’re the ultimate reality television. …(Someday when I’m older, I’m going to read that sentence again and be embarrassed).

So after an hour of bad lighting, awkward arguments and lots of political gibberish, I took away one thing:

Bill Thompson: “In conclusion, if you don’t vote for me, I will fucking shoot Mike Bloomberg in the head and bury him at Hudson Yards with a gravestone that says ‘Term Limit Reached, Motherfucker.’” *

*Note: Bill Thompson did not say this.

Sometimes local news promos make me kind of maybe want to watch local news. The fact that I caught this during what appears to be a reptilian grimace on the part of Michelle Trachtenberg, well, that’s just coincidence.

Also, Gossip Girl: Incredibly appropriate time to show this headline.