Respect Authority

More to Love indeed. How a show that’s gotten a tepid response at best managed to command a two-hour season finale is beyond me, but hey, I’m not complaining. Somehow over the past few weeks, MTL has completely reeled me in — something about the mix of poignant fat-girl observations and otherwise predictable reality fare has turned this into a Fox masterpiece. And it helps that our bachelor Luke’s ultimate choice also becomes his fiancee. Not that engagement necessarily means marriage, or even that marriage matters for anything these days, but still - even VH1 stays away from betrothal.

There were two ladies left in the championship round. The first was Melissa A., about whom you should know this: blond, gigantic boobs, pretty, and gained her weight — the prerequisite for being on this show — in the last few years. Her immediate connection (read: sexual attraction) with Luke has made her a front-runner since Day 1, but her lack of fat-girl childhood is actually why she’s been the other girls’ nemesis. In a melodramatic confession last week, Luke told Melissa she is the one he’s most afraid will break his great big steak-filled heart. Truthfully, I think he’s right. Bitch is shady.

The other remaining lady: Tali, a surprisingly normal decorator who slipped completely under the radar until there were so few girls it was impossible not to notice her. Tali, who sometimes looks beautiful and other times like a witch—think the leading lady in My Big Fat Greek Wedding—has one recurring character trait: She’s from Israel. Not like…born Jewish but can’t resist those cheese-filled hot dogs. I mean she moved to the states all of four years ago, and her family–who still live in Israel–is none too welcoming of “outsiders.” (I’m pretty sure a 300-pound white former football player from California falls into that definition).  So she and Luke have a sort of Romeo and Juliet thing going on, which at times seems fairly sincere.

But okay, here’s why I really think this show is so interesting. Of all of the VH1 dating shows I’ve spent multiple hours watching, the word “love” is conspicuously absent about 93% of the time. The women competing for Real, Chance, Bret, or Ray-J may think their man of choice is in fact Mr. Right, but most of them are smart enough to keep it to themselves. Moreover, I don’t think too many of them really believe they’re going to end up with someone who actually makes a living by dating on television — these are, after all, strippers. They’re familiar with life’s harsh realities.

On More to Love, by contrast, the word “love” is used more often than Spanx. Everyone lovessss Luke, everyone lovveesss the way Luke makes them feel, and the last two girls fall hook, line and sinker for the fact that Luke says he is “in love” with both of them, simultaneously. Perhaps this is where the weight issue really comes in—Ladies, you may have stumbled upon a decent–if moronic–guy who happens to like bigger women, but you still stumbled into him on reality TV. Take a look at the other instances of fat people on television (Dance Your Ass Off, Celebrity Fit Club, Half-Ton Dad) and tell me whether you think Fox has your best interests at heart.

In any case, the final episode is centered around our final two meeting Luke’s family in California - a very big step indeed, and one I should consider more than necessary if he plans on marrying either girl. Tali is first, and seems to do well with the dad and brother who, despite the way Luke talked about them beforehand, didn’t make her wear a yellow star or attend church. So, brownie points there. They did, however, make sure to pray before the meal and say Jesus a few times. And submit her to a mildly awkward series of questions on the nature of religious disparities. Fun was had by all.

But the menorah in the room disappeared when Melissa showed up, all bubbly and boobtastic. Luke takes Melissa to play pool, which she happens to be phenomenally good at. Seriously, she schools him. She also nails it with the family, which is easier to do when you believe in the baby Jesus. Luke’s dad practically pees his pants I think he’s so excited to have a God-fearing American woman in the house. All I keep thinking is that someday Tali will see this episode and cry herself to sleep.

But she won’t, because she wins! This is after an entire additional hour of footage, which includes Luke’s mother (divorced parents) ambushing the girls back at the reality show house. On the part of Fox, this was just cruel — forcing fat girls to be catty. Luckily Melissa is only a fat-later-in-life girl, so her womanly skills of bitchitude come out in full passive-aggressive force (i.e “I’m from Southern California, so like, Luke and I have soooo much in common”) but even more luckily, Luke’s mom (who looks almost exactly like Diane Keaton in The First Wives Club) ain’t no dummy. She sees Melissa for what she is: competitive. Plus, Melissa’s boobs are useless here.

On his final dates, Luke takes each of the ladies to a romantic dinner with bad lighting, and they both say things like “I love you” and “If you asked me to marry you, a thousand times yes” with straight faces. There are also a lot of awkward silences, but I can’t decide if they’re awkward because they’re fake, or because the cameras are there. Do people really pause that much between statements? Either way, during Melissa’s date, you can see the discomfort on Luke’s face. He’s clearly already made the decision and lying is not his strength.

So Tali and Luke live happily ever after, or will at least live to see a day when they have to face their so-called relationship off-camera and think of conversational topics that don’t revolve around the day-to-day of dating someone with ten other girlfriends. Maybe they’ll have little babies who celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. Either way, if I were Tali I would spend the rest of my married life (all three months of it?) thinking about how my husband decided he wanted to marry me less than a week before he proposed. And that the other girl, the almost-victor, is out there somewhere, bleaching her hair and eating chicken out of a bucket.

Actually, I guess that might be comforting.