Respect Authority

If only.

Here’s the thing: I eat meat. In fact, I love meat. I couldn’t care less what’s in a chicken nugget, so long as it’s appropriately crispy and served with honey mustard. I’ve never thrown red paint on a white fur coat; I’ve never broken into an animal testing facility to free would-be trial subjects of the latest Revlon product. I’m an animal lover, with a single cat (who will surely be the springboard to my long and fulfilled life as Cat Lady Extraordinaire) but I’m no extremist.

So it’s with at least a teeny tiny bit of objectivity that I say I am phenomenally offended by the Philadelphia Eagles’ decision to sign Michael Vick. For those who don’t follow football, or news (and in fairness, this is one of the few times RA has even touched upon the great wide world of professional athletics), Vick is—like so many of his professional football peers—a criminal. But unlike most NFL players, the 29-year-old has never done drugs, or driven drunk, or slapped an uppity stripper. I mean, he may have, but his 18 months in jail were the product of a 2007 conviction for conspiracy, and running a dogfighting ring.

It’s not that I’m unaware of NFL players’ penchant for bad behavior, but I find it hard to believe Vick is valuable enough as an athlete to be worth the Eagles taking such a big PR risk, to say nothing of disregarding morality. Before the big announcement during Thursday night’s pre-season Eagles/Patriots match-up, all football talk was centered on pretty boy Tom Brady’s first game in *gasp* 11 months. Yet Vick, who’s been out of commission since 2006 at this point, is somehow expected to bypass football’s traditionally shoddy history with “I’m retired, just kidding now I’m not!” players.

Additionally, while I don’t begrudge an athlete the occasional joint—were I the subject of any paparazzi attention, a lot of joint-smoking would be documented—Vick was hardly an unwitting side character in the dogfighting extravaganza. Not only did he bankroll the operation, he hung dogs from trees. He electrocuted them with jumper cables and held them under water. So cruel were his crimes that 25 other teams from the ever criminal-friendly NFL said they had no interest in signing him.

For Eagles coach Andy Reid (sidenote: I hope it’s being appreciated how much I appear to know about football), this could be a second strike. Since Reid became coach a decade ago, the Eagles have avoided players with so-called “character issues.” In fact, their only major foray into the great big world of dickhead athletes was Terrell Owens, who led them to the Super Bowl, but ultimately got dropped in 2005 over, well, being a dickhead. Now he has his own reality show; go figure.

As it stands, and despite what all these words might suggest, I barely follow football, let alone support it financially, so I have no tangible way to express my outrage at the situation. But trust that any theoretical tickets I might have potentially bought to hypothetical Philadelphia Eagles games are no longer on my wish list. The money will instead be put towards the purchase of red paint, which I intend to throw on people wearing Michael Vick jerseys.