Respect Authority

Free at last.

The news is filled with scandal these days. Washington D.C. plans to offer STD testing in all of its high schools, Michael Douglas’ son was busted on drug charges (insert Traffic reference here), and with Sarah Palin’s resignation taking a toll on her ability to troll for Soviet-inspired terrorism, Russian submarines are already overstaying their welcome off the shores of the east coast.

But all of that pales in comparison to what’s going on in California: no, not the imminent decriminalization and possible legalization of marijuana, or the fact that the state’s been paying off its IOUs with more IOUs. No, the big question for California is whether or not it’s about to become the world’s next Australia, minus the kangaroos and slew of attractive movie stars. This week, a panel of federal judges ordered the state’s prison system to reduce its inmate population of 150,000 by 40,000, around 27%, over the next two years.

Like New York, California is notorious for its overflowing prisons, bolstered by low-level drug offenses and the state’s infamous three strikes policy. Reducing the inmnate demographic by 27% is no small feat, and state officials only have 45 days to come up with a plan. Naturally, we at RA have taken it upon ourselves to offer a few suggestions for what to do when presented with 40,000 newly freed ex-convicts.

1. Have them work in the many marijuana fields that will be condoned by the California state government as it will have no choice but to legalize weed in order to free that many criminals in the first place.

2. Use them as extras in the next Michael Bay movie explosion scene.

3. Send them to Mexico. It’s only right that they take people from our country who can’t get jobs here.

4. Tell the true story of 40,000 strangers picked to live in a house and have their motherfucking lives taped—this is what happens when people stop being polite, and start being ex cons with far too much free alcohol.

5. Remake Con Air, except this time as a documentary.

6. Let the GOP have them. They’re taking in all the other debatably insane, barely functioning members of society as it is.

7. See if they can be sold through some loophole in the “Cash for Clunkers” program.

8. Make them stars of VH1’s newest dating show, Hate That I Love You, featuring Rihanna.

9. In honor of the late Michael Jackson, use them to recreate the “Bad” video just to show the Philippines that our prisoners are just as fun .

10. Survivor: Literally