Respect Authority

It seems a tad callous to wish death upon something just because it sucks, but hey, we live in a shallow world and I’d like to preserve my hermetically-sealed bubble of air-conditioned consumerist comfort, if that’s all right with you. So, shallow as it may be, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sadistic satisfaction when I read that infamous purveyors of brightly-colored hideousness, Crocs, have a conference call scheduled with the Grim Reaper.

The Washington Post seems to believe Crocs won’t have the longevity of the species’ they’re named after, but more likely the lifespan of something they more closely resemble — rotten Swiss cheese:

The company swung from a profit of $168.2 million in fiscal year 2007 to a loss of $185.1 million last year. In its annual report, Crocs said that an independent auditor expressed concerns about “conditions that raise substantial doubt about our ability to continue.” Its stock price has plummeted 76 percent.

In other words, even when common sense, self-respect, and, uh, a working pair of eyes couldn’t do it, something finally managed to kill the Crocs. Some may be quick to blame it on the recession, although I’d put my remaining few pennies on the shoes themselves causing their own demise. That’s right fellow fashionistas, just like that horrifying cyclops baby, some things are just too ugly to be allowed to live.

However, others theorize, perhaps more accurately, that Crocs’ own indestructibility was ironically the only thing that could destroy them. Apparently taking a cue from cockroaches, Crocs were designed to be nearly invincible to average wear and tear (and probably nuclear fallout), knowing full well that if they weren’t, their appearance alone would lead to their inevitable demise at the hands of somebody with a modicum of good taste. Because the shoes never broke or wore out, few customers turned into prized repeat customers, leaving Crocs out in the cold — a bad place for any reptile, but a real hell for your average trendy apparel item.

You don’t see Apple posting record losses, so utterly defeated it’s on the verge of pulling its own plug — that’s because they purposefully make their own products uncool within six months of their release. And if you’re one of those troublesome “frugal” people… well, let me just strongly advise you to back up that new MacBook like right fucking now.

We’ve been making fun of a lot of dead people lately here on RA, which is admittedly tasteless, but I think few will mourn the passing of Crocs. In fact, the only sad thing about the news is that this means my entire family back home in the wilds of Connecticut will probably be forced to start running around barefoot. There was a time when they were the perfect nuclear family — Father, Mother, Lil’ Bro and Lil’ Sis… all adorned in different colored Crocs, a sudden trend they picked up on, perhaps only to keep me from returning there after college. New England, man… the foliage is nice, but it’s a scary fucking place.