Respect Authority

It’s interesting that even after all those uptight health officials put an end to inspiring (but mostly misleading) cigarette advertisements like the ones below, a sizable portion of young people still think smoking is a cool thing to do. Unfortunately, what the Surgeon General will never truly understand is that the deliciously poisonous nature of cigarettes that makes them such a modern scourge in the first place is the very basis of their cool factor. When you’re young and have plenty of life in front of you, or, conversely, have little to no “life” at all, coming up with fun ways to kill yourself seems like pretty much the bee’s knees. Just ask James Dean about it sometime, he started it.

Personally, I’m in favor of loosening up cigarette advertising restrictions just so we can have some extra entertainment piled on the night stand next to our death beds. Actually, Is it even possible to laugh when you have an iron lung?

In a time when “pointlessly weird” is nearly synonymous with advertising in general, this vintage Benson & Hedges ad could nonetheless easily give The Burger King himself not lung cancer, but fucking brain cancer if he dared to try wrapping his mind around this strange artifact from marketing’s deranged past. The longer you look at it, the more hopelessly lost in its senselessness you fall — it’s like the quick sand of soft sells.

Is the sentient cosmic sea cucumber trying in vain to burn a hole through the astronaut’s helmet with his cigarette? Are we to assume Benson & Hedges smokes are so good that they can actually burn in an oxygen-deprived environment? Not to mention… is the alien an American citizen? What does his enjoyment of a smooth, flavorful cigarette on the desolate craters of the moon have to do with them being America’s favorite brand anyway? Is it simply that their sweet plumes of toxins are so irresistible, even vastly advanced space-faring civilizations that should surely know better just can’t say no? Or maybe sentient cosmic sea cucumbers just want to be cool too — and who are we to begrudge them that?

Seriously though… somebody actually thought this would help sell cigarettes. That’s probably the single craziest thing about it. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before Big Tobacco learned to better apply the sciences to peddle their deadly wares.

See, there’s no one I trust more than my cartoon dentist, even if his being bound to a limiting two dimensions once resulted in a shot of Novocaine straight to my eyeball. It should be noted, however, that years later he was fired as Disney’s official dentist following a law suit filed by none other than Donald Duck. Most of you are probably too young to remember, but he didn’t always talk in the unintelligible rasp he does today. That’s right… google some images of trache rings the next time you feel like skipping a meal.

Ten again, this is exactly why nobody listens to some dumb Surgeon General’s warning about the negative health side effects of smoking — here we can clearly see a highly skilled scientist analyzing a cigarette with a microscope. Don’t throw fear-inducing statistics at me when I’m looking at the cold, hard facts: Chesterfield cigarettes have been proven to leave no unpleasant after taste, just like how the world is flat and women need to have their clitorises cut off in order to stay sane. You just can’t argue with science, I’m sorry.

Ultimately though, it was never about tests done in nonexistent labs, or space men, or how scary your teeth are going to look — it all comes down to how cigarettes make you feel. Warm and cozy… kind of like being in a coffin.