Respect Authority

Orphan opens this week, the predictably plotted horror movie about unsuspecting parents who adopt some sort of demon child. But while scores of pre-teens are begging strangers to buy them R-rated tickets, adoption advocates have united in dismay over the movie, which they argue will fuel negative attitudes toward real-life adoptions.

Some adoption advocates are calling for a boycott, and a national coalition wants to sit down with Warner Bros. CEO Barry Meyer. The production company has already removed a controversial line from the movie, (“But how can you love something that didn’t pop out of your own va-jay-jay?”) in response to adoption-related objections.

But the best part? Warner Bros. spokesman Scott Rowe says the company is considering adding a pro-adoption message at the end of the film when it comes out on DVD, sort of like those public service announcements Saved By The Bell kids used to do after particularly poignant episodes about smoking, or domestic violence, or AIDS. Imagine it: 123 minutes of demon child, followed by two minutes of encouragement to go ahead, go out and acquire a strange youngster and invite them into your home. Show them where you keep the guns.

But really, haven’t we gone a little too far with the political correctness? I can only imagine how many horror movies would never have been made if a slew of advocacy groups had actually taken the time to raise a red flag. Hotel managers alone would be totally fucked (Psycho, The Shining). Nor have children as a whole been pleasantly portrayed in the world of horror – The Exorcist and Poltergeist are high-brow examples; Children of the Corn less so. And if one were to truly base their perception of reality on scary movies, no one, and I mean no one, would send their kids to summer camp.

The whole point of horror movies is to foster fear, and introduce people to the idea that danger is all around. It’s not always the trench-coat-wearing man in the alley, or the conspicuously observant cashier at the liquor store. It’s neighbors, teachers, friends, pets, even kids. Shit ain’t safe. Get used to it.