Respect Authority

My high school career aligned perfectly with the height of Fast/Furious-inspired, Walmart-muffler-enabled Honda Civic mania. So make no mistake, I’ve seen some pretty weird shit done to cars. Seriously, one young man went so far as to paint the hood of his Eagle Talon with primer in the hopes of fooling people that it was actually made of carbon fiber and not merely a composite of recycled Diet Coke cans. And, seriously, people believed him.

All of this might not sound so strange considering high school is a pretty bizarre alternate reality in the first place. This is probably also why when I look at Vans’ 1974 bus West Coast Customs is currently working its otherworldly witchcraft on, all I can think about is how fucking awesome it is and not the fact that skating the mini ramp inside it would almost definitely lead to some kind of most unfortunate injury.

In fact, I think placing a mini ramp inside of anything one doesn’t typically belong in is enough to get my special bar glowing and full to the brim. The Internet truly is full of pornography — and I wager any skater would be more than eager to have sex inside this beautiful machine, if only because having sex with this beautiful machine is not really an option due to the combination of dangerous, deranged, and potentially illegal implications. At the very least, I wager any skater would be more than eager to skate the ramp while their girlfriend waits outside.

The vintage bus last appeared in the Vans’ “What If” commercial, but since then the years have caught up to this Frankenstein of automobiles. As it kept breaking down and was in a generally decrepit state, the ubiquitous shoe brand took its once proud steed to West Coast Customs for a complete (and completely over the top) overhaul. The project is due to be finished this week, giving new life to a short bus for those of us retarded enough to pursue skateboarding instead of more lucrative, soul-sucking opportunities.

Now, the only thing I have to do is figure out the next fashion must-have all the hip types decide to incorporate into their seasonal uniform and my dream of a motorcycle-drawn Crocodile Mile may finally be realized.