Respect Authority

Before my morning coffee.

Sometimes, when I’m not letting the television’s warm rays actively melt my brain, I read books. No seriously, I do.

In fact, my love of the written word at the very least equals my love of the idiot box, and may even in fact surpass it. So it stands to reason that I’ve devoted no small amount of time to the consideration of what type of book I would write, given the opportunity, motivation and lots of Adderall.

The answer? The money-making kind. And what kind is that? Well since I don’t have the patience to research my way through a Paris-based mystery involving washed-up professors discovering ancient mythological secrets that create worldwide controversy – I’d settle for the next best thing: vampires.

Indeed, a recent analysis conducted by me in my own apartment yields these findings: I have read no less than eighteen books about vampires in the last year. Eighteen. At the current rate, I’m well on my way to achieving a “one vampire book per month” frequency, which I’m pretty sure is the point at which it would be socially acceptable to label me a loser.

It all started with Twilight, which I picked up impulsively during a beach trip last summer and devoured in one sunburn-inducing afternoon by the water. I swiftly bought the second and third, and borrowed the fourth from an equally engrossed coworker. I was hooked.

From there, I went into the realm of vampire nonfiction with The Dead Travel Fast, a rather hilarious telling of the history of vampire culture, “from Nosferatu to Count Chocula.” I would highly recommend this book which, while not quite as good as author Eric Nuzum’s Parental Advisory, about the history of music censorship, is well worth the few hours it takes to read.

On a roll, and encouraged by my enjoyment of his A Dirty Job, I snagged humor author Christopher Moore’s Bloodsucking Fiends, which is sort of like a Simpsons episode with vampires. Overall, Moore is a little too camp for my tastes—I found Fiends follow-up You Suck borderline unreadable, and therefore didn’t count it on my list—but the story was unavoidably entertaining.

I imagine it was around this time that I started The Historian, which I remember reading somewhere was one of the top ten books people like to pretend they’ve read. This isn’t because The Historian is particularly intellectual, or high-brow, or hard to get through – it’s simply long; author Elizabeth Kostova has a Dickensonian habit of including mildly interesting but not always necessary geographical and historical context. Truth be told, despite having started the book last year, I only finished The Historian this past weekend.

Considering all this, my eventual decision to join the Sookie Stackhouse fan club might be considered unavoidable. I have more than once commented on my proclivity for HBO series True Blood, which is based on the series of mystery novels from Charlaine Harris. Though the Sookie Stackhouse novels (all nine of them, with No. 10 slated for release in October) lack the chic caliber of the show, they’re wildly entertaining, and full of sex scenes. Nine books down.

Noticing a trend, Lou provided the 17th in my vampire series: a science-fiction writer’s foray into the vampire world. Octavia Butler’s Fledgling is more serious fare, bringing up questions of love, death, survival, etc. Although the book was well worth a read, I never quite got over the lead character’s appearance (that of a young girl), particularly when reading about her sexual relationships.

Which brings me to the end: The Strain, a hybrid of creativity from mystery writer Chuck Hogan and Pan’s Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro, is sort of vampires meets zombies meets Armageddon story, and I’ll say no more as to not give it away. Suffice it to say, if this is the end of my journey down the path of vampire literature (unlikely), it was a hell of a way to go out.

So in short, and as I’ve said before, vampires are in. Like, way in. It doesn’t seem to matter if they’re in love with each other, or with humans, or if they’re acting on a centuries-old plot to destroy mankind; I’m all about it. And apparently, so is the rest of the world. Which is exactly why I plan to compose the country’s greatest book to date on vampire lore, or at the very least an erotic novel centered around a vampire/human couple. …Right after I watch some TV.