Respect Authority

"Thank God they're paying me."

Worry not, dear readers. We’re not dead. It’s just that, you know, bloggers need vacations too — vacations from…sitting in front of our computers…writing snarky commentary on topics about which we already care way too much. That shit is hard!

Speaking of which, it’s taken me two days, but I finally managed to get through this year’s MTV Movie Awards, which are about as relevant to the art of filmmaking as winning the fifth grade science fair is to one’s adult career. I don’t know why I chose to watch this year, except perhaps for three reasons: 1. I watch a lot of movies. 2. It came on right after The Hills, and the remote control was probably out of reach, and 3. I may or may not have been roped in by promises of an exclusive sneak peak at Twilight sequel New Moon. 

Having now sat through the show in its entirety (I tapped out after two hours on Sunday and had to DVR the rest) I have a couple of observations to make, the first of which is that despite its numerous attempts to revamp the show in a more audience/humor/trend-friendly way, MTV continues to miss the mark, instead serving up four hours or so of exceedingly awkward live interaction. This year’s issues:

• Despite being an obvious choice for host, Andy Samberg was not his usual self. I suppose there is no mirth in playing referee to an auditorium full of big egos and screaming tweens, but even the notoriously goofy SNL cast member seemed off his game, at one point returning from ad break with “Welcome back to the big commercial” and mocking MTV for having “snagged” Orbit gum commercial rapper “Big Pak” as a presenter …which in Andy Samberg’s defense, was a pretty low point on MTV’s sell-out totem pole. The comedian’s use of Grammy-award winning singers (and Forest Whitaker) to perform a medley of his own viral video songs was inspired, but a tad self-indulgent. His faux Twilight trailor and song about explosions were far superior. 
   
• Twilight was a really bad movie. Like, undeniably bad. And this is coming from someone who dropped everything for at least a month last summer to read all four Stephanie Meyer books cover to cover. The fact that this year’s MTV Movie Awards were little more than an advertising platform for the franchise, to say nothing of a pre-teen peep show at stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, just ended up making me feel really snobby and old. Mostly old. 
   
• Eminem needs to stop performing. I appreciate the artist’s loyalty to MTV—after all, I remember seeing “My Name Is” climb the TRL charts ten years ago—but as his lyrics get progressively more violent and self-destructive, his appearance has become like asking Ol’ Dirty Bastard to perform at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Plus, watching Sandra Bullock bob her head to raps about sexual abuse and Valium is just sad. This is obviously to say nothing of the completely off-the-wall moment when Sacha Baron Cohen descended on Eminem butt-first dressed as Bruno, which seemed funny until Eminem dropped the only un-edited f-bombs of the night and looked dangerously close to racking up another assault charge. 
   
• Despite the appropriateness of awarding Ben Stiller its Generation Award, MTV (only on MTV would Ben Stiller win an award that in Oscar-land goes to people 70+) missed the mark by trying to parody the Academy Awards’ bizarre ensemble-cast presenting style. The idea was nice, but I remain baffled as to why the network chose Zac Efron and Keifer Sutherland as two of the three presenters (I have no issue with Triumph, I love that fucking dog). Particularly when Keifer’s faux emotional weeping stole the limelight from Stiller himself. ..It would have been better if he had just punched him. 

In essence, MTV continues to suffer from the same problem it always has — appealing to the coolest generation, but without the independence to actually be cool. Heavy staging, censoring and overthought attempts at humor were in abundance, so that nothing appeared off the cuff. And probably wasn’t. Except when Kristen Stewart dropped her award. Now that was funny.