Respect Authority

Is it bad that I just realized lil’ Chicago’s a candidate city for the 2016 Olympics? I’m sorry, but its just that I forget that there’s anything between New York and Los Angeles!

In any event, Chicago’s trying to host the Olympics in 2016 ya’ll and this time America’s actually got a shot. During the 2012 selection process, NYC represented the U.S.’s only realistic chance of winning the Games because it’s the only U.S. city with enough casual anti-American sentiment to be considered “worldly”. But even NYC’s notorious anti-ness couldn’t make up for just how much Europeans hated Bush so they gave it to fucking London… again.

This time, however, people love our president. In fact one of the IOC selectors has a picture of him on her refrigerator (not kidding). Obama, not one to squander an opportunity to capitalize on his fame, is making his interns post videos of him on YouTube talking up Chicago and how awesome it would be to have the Olympics there. That coupled with the shocking fact that almost every single one of his very successful advisers used to work for the Chicago 2016 bid committee bodes well for Chicago’s chances at winning this thing and will ensure endless frustration for Aaron if he doesn’t get out of Chicago before it’s too late.

Just imagine… years of construction so that millions more people can fill every corner of Chicago for two long hot weeks in August.

[Politico]

A Weisure Suit

I must document this for the sheer fact that I’m pretty sure CNN will realize its massive mistake and delete this article at some point, thereby negating the fact today is the day they butchered journalism once and for all. 

(CNN) — The line dividing work and leisure time is blurring right before our eyes, says one expert, and it’s creating a phenomenon called “weisure time.”

Many who haven’t already abandoned the 9-to-5 workday for the 24-7 life of weisure probably will do so soon, according to New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, who coined the word. It’s the next step in the evolving work-life culture.

“Increasingly, it’s not clear what constitutes work and what constitutes fun,” be it “in an office or at home or out in the street,” Conley said. Activities and social spaces are becoming work-play ambiguous, he says, as “all of these worlds that were once very distinct are now blurring together.”

I’m sorry, what? WEISURE TIME? Conley, or CNN, or someone idiotic, speculates that people are increasingly willing to let work into their leisure time because working has become — get this — more fun! Not because work has become more demanding, or difficult, or because advanced technology makes it borderline impossible to “unplug” from the office, but because everyone’s just having so much gosh darn fun they can’t bear the thought of taking a few hours to themselves — to see a movie, ride a bike, masturbate, whatever. 

The culprit? Social networking. (What ISN’T social networking negatively responsible for these days?) Sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter have blurred the line between “work time” and “fun time” — which means its not so uncommon to notice your coworker updated their Facebook status three times at work yesterday. 

I have no problem agreeing with the facts here — I write blog posts at the office, I check my work e-mail at home and possession of a Blackberry has turned me into a slave to immediate gratification. But none of that makes it okay to assume cause or effect, and nothing in the past, present or future of mixing work and play would make it okay to use the word “weisure.”

So much television, so little time.

Even though Ricki Lake’s Charm School premiered this week, I’ll wait until the next episode to give my official verdict (spoiler: it’s excellent), in favor of reviewing Bravo’s latest contribution to the great big world of reality TV: The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

As telling as the fact that Bravo picked the country’s armpit for its latest incarnation of the Real Housewives franchise is that the show’s debut episode aired immediately after the first half of a two-hour reunion special for The Real Housewives of New York City. That reunion, a relatively small glimpse into what was actually seven hours worth of filming, amounted to display after display of shameless self-promotion and utter lack of pride. All those pressing questions you thought the housewives would never deign to answer directly to a national audience of millions - they did! In the first hour, the women spoke fairly candidly about every headline they’ve managed to snag since the show wrapped: Kelly got teary-eyed over the “assault” charge that ruined her sterling reputation, The Countess admitted she was dumped via e-mail by her husband of 16 years, Jill said she’s single-handedly keeping the economy together by spending as much on one handbag as the rest of us pay for a car.

In any case, I understand that watching self-important rich women bicker for two hours is not for the casual TV viewer, except in the case of The View. So moving on: The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Read More ›

Rosie O’Donnell’s brother, New York assemblyman Daniel O’Donnell, is persuading his colleagues to legalize gay marriage in New York state in exactly the same way I would expect Rosie O’Donnell to: awkward humor and aggression. Next stop: Koosh balls.

Montauk Monster, Part Deux. I’ve dreamed of this day.

Oh Bravo. Poor poor Bravo. 

After more than a year of legal battling over the future of Project Runway, the NBC offshoot officially settled, sending the PR over to undoubtedly excited Lifetime Entertainment and leaving us stalwart Runway fans to wonder: What will replace it?!

Well the day has come - last week Bravo aired the inaugural episode of The Fashion Show, a Runway-knockoff that’s about 89% exactly the same. Differences? Project Runway favorites; judges Michael Kors, Heidi Klum and Nina Garcia, are gone (to be seen again in the August debut of Lifetime’s long-since-filmed PR Season 6), as is designer mentor Tim Gunn, replaced by a subpar cast of characters who don’t even come close to the same level of personality. 

On The Fashion Show, designer Isaac Mizrahi and former Destiny’s Child singer Kelly Rowland take on the dual roles of mentors and judges: though Mizrahi makes a bonafied effort to fill the “I make snarky gay comments” role previously mastered by Kors, he alone cannot compensate for the utter borefest that is Kelly Rowland, whose contributions to fashion-related discussions are things like “Let me just say, I would never wear that.” At least Heidi Klum made a living wearing clothes (read: underwear). Joining the duo at judge’s table is IMG senior vice president Fern Mallis. Despite the fact that Mallis is responsible for Fashion Week, it’s pretty obvious why Bravo only used her as a stand-in judge during past PR seasons: she has the personality of a mannequin. Read More ›

Smash Mouth, ever the arbiters of cool

Honestly, I’m a bit confused, bordering on panicked, as to why this song would still be in a pop radio station’s rotation. Because that would mean the song must still be considered “popular,” a fact that I’m not only incapable of understanding, but even if I could, would refuse to on principle.

Sure, Astro Lounge, the horrifying album from whence “All Star” burbled forth, had the fortune of going triple platinum due to most people being… well, kind of dumb. But I would hope that as a culture, we can forget about the mistakes of the past. After all, Kid Rock sold 21 million albums, and black people were slaves once. If we cannot change, if we cannot progress, then what hope do we have?

Think about it — Smash Mouth is a band whose covers of classic pop songs were more successful than their original material. That says something about their ability as songwriters, which is to say, they have none. And for that matter, they don’t have a vocalist either. No, at best, frontman Steve Harwell’s coarse caterwauling can be described as an impression of Guy Fieri, the unfathomably loserish host of Food Network’s Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, straining to take a shit while singing bad ska.

If we can’t collectively agree that Smash Mouth is one of the most shaming creations our species has conceived, then I have no choice but to assume we’re all doomed to imminent extinction. Seriously, why not celebrate Apartheid, the Holocaust, or hell, even Gigli while we’re at it?

I’m still not sure if the burglar is a ninja or if someone burgles ninjas.

It was my intention to avoid the Miss California USA mudslinging, as making fun of the retarded is all too easy and I’m not feeling nearly bad enough about myself to justify it. However, the woman knows no bounds. She has thrown my mercy in my face, rubbing it in with her incredibly fake boobies.

Apparently a coup is in order and Miss California is about to be dethroned. Semi-nude photos have been circulating, as I’m sure your hard drive can attest to, which is a breach of contract in the Miss USA alternate universe. Word is still out on why being topless, covering your breasts with your arm, while your back is to the camera is any more scandalous than wearing a micro bikini on stage for old gay men to judge, or for that matter, getting those judges to pay for new silicon melons.

Despite the fact that the photos were probably released by Miss California herself (which would be a genius move if she wasn’t just copying Vanessa Williams, or you know, if she was actually capable of doing anything even remotely related to genius) she’s doing a nice job of pretending to be upset about it. Just like she pretends that her dad isn’t gay. Or that her entire wholesome, opposite-marriage-supporting family isn’t homophobic white trash who spends their weekends relentlessly calling each other gay.

Carrie Prejean, the soon to be softcore porn model, insists, “These attacks on me and others who speak in defense of traditional marriage are intolerant and offensive. While we may not agree on every issue, we should show respect for others’ opinions and not try to silence them through vicious and mean-spirited attacks.”

Yes, let’s not silence them through vicious attacks like, oh I don’t know, barring them from rights afforded to every one else in the country? That would be pretty mean-spirited. Read More ›

Poor Keifer Sutherland. The 24 star, known for his heavy drinking and related antics, will surrender to New York City police today for assault charges after head-butting a fashion designer earlier this week. Indeed, Sutherland and designer Jack McCullough got into it Tuesday at a Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute gala after-party, when Keifer thought McCullough was getting a little too close to gal pal Brooke Shields.

There are myriad things wrong with this picture, first of which is the high probability that McCullough is phenomenally gay, and thus poses no threat to Brooke Shields, save maybe the imposition of poor fashion sense. Moreover, when Sutherland gave McCullough a little “Hey, step back buddy!” (because really, what physical altercation doesn’t start with one man calling another “buddy”) the designer apparently thought it was in his best interest to respond “What’s your problem?” …To Keifer Sutherland. 

On 24, if my numbers are correct, Sutherland has killed something like one person per second, per season. Granted, the show is fictional, but I think it’s fair to assume anyone with a drinking habit and wobbly acting career might have taken at least some of his life’s biggest role to heart. Seriously, he head-butted him! That’s not what I would call a typical fight-initiation move.

In fact, I think it might be fair to exempt anyone who successfully completes a head butt from any sort of criminal prosecution. Same goes for those who have been caught drunk driving, mauling Christmas trees and sitting at bars pantless — so long as they maintain their status as one of the country’s most successfull television actors. Now that’s what I call a functioning alcoholic.

A revolution has transpired in America, and nobody even knew it was happening until it was too late.

Financial Supervillain Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke scares the shit out of me, and if he doesn’t have the same effect on you then you’re taking too many Percocets. After all, he’s the type of guy that sits high in an armored fortress, rubbing his knuckles, and laughing maniacally at the misfortune of commoners every morning before his daily lap around his pool filled with gold coins. And who gave him the gold coins? Our government, of course, and they took them from us. But how could such a thing happen? What ever happened to checks and balances? What ever happened to democracy?

Well, the Federal Reserve happened, fellow peasants. See, democracy is a form of government in which state-power is held by the majority of citizens within a country. And one of the core principles of democracy is that all members of the society have equal access to power, which… um… isn’t true, like at all, in America. Read More ›

Here’s the burning question of the moment: are flaming shots really necessary? Drinking 151 feels like dousing your throat with napalm as it is.

Despite what Renaissance Faires may have tried to convince you as a child, breathing fire… not actually that awesome. I mean, in addition to the fact that you’ll end up working at a Renaissance Faire.

Nonetheless, after you dress those third degree burns, bro, you’re sure going to need a beer. And that’s what Tipsy Tuesday is all about! For the post-collegiate readers, remember how easy it used to be to justify drinking every night of the week before words like “responsibilities”, “maturity”, and “alcoholism” reared their ugly heads?

Shit, today’s Cinco De Mayo too, and god knows we have to celebrate every culture’s various holidays by drinking mass quantities of watered-down beer out of plastic cups. See you at the bottom.