Respect Authority

Too Fast, Too Furious

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Hmm, The Fast & The Furious cast …where are they now?” then these last few months have given you your answers: Same. Fucking. Place.

Indeed, pretty much the entire cast of the 2001 blockbuster is returning this week for reprisal Fast & Furious, which Wikipedia calls an “interquel” in the lucrative but retarded F&F series.

Chronologically, the movie takes place between the second and third films, which means little to anyone who didn’t take the time to see of any the F&F follow-ups (read: the entire population). It reunites fugitive Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel) with policeman/agent/some sort of governmental authority figure with gelled hair Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker). Forced, by what will undoubtedly be some shoddy plot devices, to confront a shared enemy, and flanked by their original lady friends, the two must work together, which history tells us means driving really fast cars while making witty banter about one another’s ability to drive really fast cars.

This is hardly the first time original cast members have returned years later to reprise their career-making roles. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 3, Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park 3, Yoda in Phantom Menace. Sadly, however, none of the F&F crew really has a career and their about-face reeks of desperation rather than loyalty to the brand.

Vin Diesel, the early 2000s’ would-be “bad boy,” has had his typecasting usurped by Matt Damon, Daniel Craig and other actors with similar aesthetics, plus actual talent. Nor did he help his case by trying to shed the action-star persona, as evidenced by complete and utter failures like The Pacifier and Find Me Guilty.

No one ever really expected Paul Walker to go anywhere, except maybe into a life of drugs and hookers once he realized his utter lack of individuality. Jordana Brewster, who plays/played Vin’s sultry sister and Walker’s love interest, was never even close to famous and Michelle Rodriguez has spent the last few years distracting us with her criminal record more than her acting skills.

Moreover, F&F may have missed the mark on its audience. Those of us who saw the original in theaters have most likely since seen the error of our ways, and scoff at the idea of paying $12 for what will undoubtedly be the exact same movie. And everyone else is too old, too young, or too proud to give a shit about cinema’s “Hey! Cars can go super fast!” genre, which as far as I knew fizzled out a few years ago.

In fact, the only person who hasn’t preemptively made a complete ass of themselves by agreeing to participate in this nonsense is Ja Rule, who is most likely tied up with the drug and gun possession charges he incurred with Lil Wayne in 2007. Or making homophobic comments. Or dead.