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Archive for April 2009

It’s Coming! No, Seriously, Here It Comes!

Filed Under: Post-Its

So... does anyone actually think that we will be switching to all-digital cable on June 12th?

 
aaron

9:30 AM on April 30th, 2009 | 

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That’ll Do, Pig

Filed Under: Science and Medicine

swineflu-450x319

Available at your local Bed Bath & Beyond.

Fucking Mexico. I mean seriously. Fucking. Mexico.

Thanks to the national prowess of our neighbor to the south, we as a country are out thousands of jobs, I personally am addicted to sour cream, and now there’s swine flu.

On Wednesday, the U.S. reported that a 23-month-old Texas child became the country’s first death related to the virus. To put that number in context, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said it had received reports of 53 seasonal flu-related deaths in children during the current flu season. 53! Which isn’t to say that children dying isn’t inherently tragic, but is to say that one death can’t be analyzed in a vacuum. In addition to saying the darndest things, kids also have weaker immune systems. 

And while ‘Merica is just starting to feel the effects of “pandemicamonium,” which is in some way officially sanctioned now that we’ve actually had a fatality, Mexico is in absolute batshit SARS mask lockdown, with schools, restaurants and resorts closed or quarantined. 

In New York, officials say a recent school trip to Cancun may be the culprit for dozens of St. Francis Prep students getting infected, and subsequently bringing the virus to a tightly-packed city of 8 million. Which got me to thinking, if swine flu (pigs?) were making a conscious geographical decision, then at least it was a good one. More than once have I longed for some sort of medical outbreak to hit Cancun, preferably in the midst of spring break season and ideally when it’s populated by bikini-clad MTV groupies. If Carson Daly could be there too, well then I might die a happy woman. 

In all seriousness though, this is the last thing we need. I happened to, in a prophetic moment of movie renting, watch Quarantine this past weekend. If that movie told me anything about biological warfare — between man and man, or man and pig — it’s that we’re all going to die, probably in a pre-war apartment building, after being savagely bitten by our friends and family. Which makes sense, since that’s basically how things are in Mexico all the time.

 
kira

9:52 AM on April 29th, 2009 | 

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Stop Having The Boring Tuna

Filed Under: Pop Culture

Rumored to have a guest appearance on Kanye’s upcoming album, Sadness, Expensive Sneakers and Vegetables, I reintroduce you all to the ever-annoying and multi-talented Vince Shlomi, notoriously remembered for his ShamWow’s magical powers of absorption, and more recently, his weird hooker-punching.

Now, whether or not you can “get down” to rap music doesn’t necessarily mean these artists are role models, and that’s important to keep in mind. Soulja Boy may be an inspiration to youth across shitty, disenfranchised neighborhoods throughout the country, but that’s actually a pretty scary reality. So remember as you blast Summer ’09’s soon-to-be anthem in your rattling Honda Civic with the Walmart stick-on tints: you can’t slap all day, and take it from Vince himself, you can’t really slap your troubles away.

 
aaron

10:22 AM on April 27th, 2009 | 

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Sunday’s To Do List

Filed Under: Photography

Sunday's To Do List - Photography by Aaron Hatch

It was a busy weekend.

 
aaron

11:46 PM on April 26th, 2009 | 

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Liveblogging* Daisy of Love

Filed Under: The Future Freaks Me Out

daisy-de-la-hoya-319x450*Editor’s note: “Live” can be taken figuratively. Episode started at 9:39 p.m. Delay can be credited to indecision between Chinese, Mexican and pizza. Decision: Mexican.

9:31 p.m. Jeff  Daniels is on the show. He has to be at least 35, but actually says “boner kill” in the first ten seconds.

9:45 p.m. Pocahontas.

9:52 p.m. VH1, having learned after the umpteenth manifestation of the “of love” series to maximize ridiculousness from the get-go, conducts the “naming ceremony” after the contestants have been drinking for at least an hour. Hilarity. Imagine a Fall Out Boy frat party.

9:54 p.m. Jeff Daniels says his name is Paulie, and reveals he’s from - shocker - the Jersey shore. Daisy likens him to a hatless Bret Michaels. I’m not sure who that’s insulting to.

9:56 p.m. There’s a male stripper - at least VH1 is equal-opportunity. He is appropriately nicknamed “Toolbox” and I’m not sure Daisy gets it.

9:58 p.m. “Cage” laments that his tattoo is always the first thing people notice about him. His tattoo is 2-inch letters spelling out “Fight or Die” on his NECK.

10:05 p.m. Daisy says “Swahili-ish.”

10:13 p.m. I remain unconvinced the Swedish triplets aren’t women. Daisy might agree, as she kicks them off almost immediately.

10:18 p.m. I see a preview for “Charm School with Ricki Lake.” I realize VH1 will literally never run out of material.

10:21 p.m. The slogan is revealed: ” ____, would you stay in this house and be my rock star?” Fairly lacking in innovation.

10:26 p.m. Jeff Daniels barely gets through elimination. I’m baffled.

10:28 p.m. Winners toast to Daisy out of flasks. Class all the way.

 
kira

9:44 PM on April 26th, 2009 | 

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Captain Planet

Filed Under: Movies, Zero Tolerance

Long has Disney pilfered the coffers of classical fairy tales and folklore in order to fund their empire of unadulterated, marketable glee. But now they’ve set their sights on a more modern fairytale of sorts to inspire their latest docudrama, where all the animals die and the children in the audience develop deep-seating psychological issues by the end of the film. The only difference this time is that James Earl Jones will be providing the narration, as Morgan Freeman reportedly declined due to his ongoing post traumatic stress disorder treatment following his work on March of the Penguins.

The new movie in question is called Earth, and the source material it’s shamelessly appropriating is not quite a fairytale so much as a groundbreaking, Emmy-winning, six-part megadocumentary — born when each individual episode combines to form a unique and awe-inspiring whole, sort of like a more naturey Devastator, of Transformers fame and lasting nerd-joke legacy. Anyway, the documentary in question is called Planet Earth… you might have heard about it. Or seen it on the Discovery Channel; in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s currently filling their entire programming schedule.

Earth vs. Planet Earth

Now, like any good outraged blogger with nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon but complain and smoke the half-burned remains of last night’s good cheer, I did my research. Apparently, Earth is, more or less, a feature-length version of Planet Earth… which seems a little retarded as Planet Earth was nothing if not lengthy. In fact, in this case, “feature length” means about 30% the length of the original material, making Disney’s latest excuse to drag all your whining kids to the movies no more than a watered-down CliffsNotes of its predecessor, and without Sigourney Weaver’s soft caress sending chills down my spine at that.

Frankly, I don’t see any reason why Earth should even exist, short of some Disney execs figuring they could make a whole bunch of money with relatively little effort, considering it uses the same fucking footage reedited and repackaged under the guise of family-friendliness. You’re going to have to do better than Darth Vader to get me in line for this one, Mickey fucking Mouse.

 
aaron

2:04 PM on April 25th, 2009 | 

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Kick, Push and Coast

Filed Under: Photography, Skateboarding

Truly, there is no better kind of happy hour than skateboarding in the dying light of an unseasonably warm Friday evening.

Happy Hour - Photography by Aaron Hatch

It was 85 here today. 85 degrees Fahrenheit, here, in the frozen hell that is Chicago. Hello Retribution, I don’t believe we’ve met.

 
aaron

8:09 PM on April 24th, 2009 | 

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Obama’s Modern Office

Filed Under: Politics

obama-at-the-private-residence

Time’s cover story this week is about Obama and his magical hundred days, and the story’s already online. The short end of it? He really hasn’t done anything yet, and even if he did it’s really Jim Jones’ fault for being too weak; besides, he shot the pirates. What’s more interesting is this picture of his private residence! Looks like his Mac’s hooked up to a brand new Apple Cinema Display with a custom high-resolution White House wallpaper.

And he might be using his Blackberry while reading four books at the same time. Also, his lamp’s a little fey.

 
lou

12:30 PM on April 24th, 2009 | 

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You’re An Amazing Creature, Spider-Man

Filed Under: Movies

Friday is a joyous occasion quite on its own — just having the ability to drink until you pass out and not have to wake up for work tomorrow and be late because you had to clean up the vomit is cause for celebration. A celebration, of course, that usually involves drinking until you throw up/pass out. It’s sort of like how Satanists celebrate by killing animals — destructive, barbaric, and really… not all that much fun. But hey, it’s a tradition. Just like racism, traditional marriage and war!

In case that wasn’t enough to get you riled up and excited for the weekend, which I can’t particularly understand, then you’re in luck — I just ran across some leaked footage from the next Spider-Man film. Can we say blockbuster?

Okay… how about ball buster? I was just playin’ with ya’ll, but come on, don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it. And lookie there, it’s already 10:30… Miller Time, baby.

 
aaron

10:30 AM on April 24th, 2009 | 

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The Rest is Still Unwritten

Filed Under: Pop Culture, TV

laurenconradThere are so many things wrong with this picture. 

The Hills has, as of late, skillfully weaseled its way back into my life, with promises of drama as heightened as Heidi Montag’s enormous weave. While the beauty of DVR means I don’t have to consciously check in to the show every Monday night at 10 p.m., even casual after-the-fact viewings induce in me all manner of adult shame. My sentiments can in fact be summed up by one scene in this past week’s episode, when Heidi and Spencer visit a couples therapist to hug it out with respect to their spiraling relationship, as of late held together by glue, tape and the fact that they’re on the same television show. After relaying to the therapist their multi-day back-and-forth over whether Spencer did or did not flirt with bartender Stacie, as per a text message sent from his sister’s ex-boyfriend, who happened to be in the same bar and started a massive game of Telephone 2.0 that ended with Spencer punching him in the face, the therapist gave a dramatic pause and said “You know, this all sounds really high school.” 

Indeed, woman who accepted money to counsel, on national television, two moronic 20-somethings on the future of their completely ludicrous faux-marriage relationship. It does sound really high school. Which is simultaneously why I fucking hate this show, and yet can’t quite tear my eyes away.   Read More ›

 
kira

9:49 AM on April 22nd, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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Smokin’ On Da Dro

Filed Under: Pop Culture

bushbongI realized something about myself yesterday. See, while some potheads find themselves so jaded as to lament the existence of a weed-related holiday (Aaron), many of us - myself included - take pride in the thought that thousands, nay millions, of Americans got so high yesterday that they forgot 4/20 is also the anniversary of Columbine, and Hitler’s birthday. (Just think, if THOSE people smoked a little bit of herb, maybe the world would be a different place today). 

Yet even though I more than willingly overlooked the fact that I happen to smoke nearly every day, thereby making a holiday celebrated by smoking less than significant, I found myself a little intrigued by the tone of 4/20/2009. 

Given the recent relaxation of marijuana-related law enforcement, and the more subtle shift in national perception of the drug, it should come as no surprise that yesterday was as much about activism as blunts and bongs. Massachusetts voters, who decriminalized the drug last November, were out in force, and in Illinois, medical marijuana supporters readied a TV ad campaign in support of a bill that would legalize marijuana use by patients with debilitating conditions. Two New York senators are expected to introduce a similar bill on Tuesday, less than a month after the state did away with many of its cumbersome Rockefeller Drug Laws. Oh, and High Times magazine crowned “Miss High Times.”

Regardless of how quickly or slowly decriminalization and legalization come about on a national or even state-by-state level, there’s no question that the stigma of marijuana, the red-eyed, unshowered, hitting-girls-on-tricycles-with-your-car stigma that makes your average pothead snort in disgust and say things like “I live above the influence of this fucking public service announcement,” is dissipating, and with that dissipation comes the inevitable “movement.” Doctors, politicians, advocates and activists who had in the last few years laid low are suddenly making themselves heard, most likely because it seems people are starting to actually consider listening. Read More ›

 
kira

9:17 AM on April 21st, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

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Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Filed Under: Pop Culture

As one gets older, it’s important to regularly make an effort to keep any kind of “maturation” at bay. And that’s why I get my entire body waxed every three weeks. …Well, actually, that’s not the only reason why, but we’ll talk about that some other time.

Anyway, here’s some material to help keep you firmly lodged in the mire of perpetual immaturity. Although, I don’t really anticipate you needing very much of an excuse to laugh at stupidity made manifest right now, considering it’s OMG 4:20 on 4/20 I THINK MY MIND JUST BLEW UP FROM HIGHNESS DUDEZ

Admittedly, nothing can warm my flash-frozen charcoal heart more than obnoxious kids getting what’s coming to them. Except for money. Oh… and, of course, water parks:

Seriously, where can I get a ticket, and, more importantly, is there a discount if I bring a can of Coke?

Apparently it’s “Have Fun At Unfortunate Children’s Expense Day” at Respect Authority. Oh, wait, it is April 20th after all, and I mean, I still can’t stop laughing about how my little brother drowned because I left him alone in the pool so I could smoke blunts all day.

 
aaron

4:20 PM on April 20th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

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