Moving On After Madoff

Filed Under: Pop Culture

Madoff behind glass. Where he belongs.

With Bernard Madoff carted off to jail, we as a country can finally rest easy that wanton greed has been avenged and justice has been served.

Sort of. In reality, yesterday yielded sighs of relief and frustration: Madoff’s seven fafillion investors victoriously booted the billionaire from his Manhattan penthouse to a jail cell likely no bigger than his maid’s bathroom. But at the same time, as the white-haired former businessman lumbered off to spend the rest of his life in prison, America collectively sat back and wondered, “Well fuck, what next?” The money’s still missing, retirements and savings and college education funds are still wiped out, and – and outside of one wrinkly old dude in a jail cell, we have more or less nothing to show for it. Worse, we no longer have anyone to blame.

Indeed, it was easy to feel indignant when Madoff was resting on his laurels in a massive apartment, negotiating whether to give up his artwork or concert tickets or all-expense paid trips to the moon. But now that the devil himself has fallen from grace, we are a country without someone to blame.

So here are Respect Authority’s suggestions for America’s Next Scapegoat.

Jim Cramer: Jon Stewart has already made it clear that he’s got it out for Cramer, lambasting him through a series of back-and-forth viral videos, and more recently, bringing the Mad Money commenter on his show. Cramer, whom CNBC appears to have entrusted with Warren Buffet-like market prediction credibility, was for his part as non-defensive as one can possibly be when having incriminating video evidence of your shortcomings shown to a national audience … in your presence. But all the humility in the world doesn’t change Stewart’s point: sound effects and props aside, America’s financial situation isn’t a joke. Unless you work for the Daily Show.

Rush Limbaugh: I’m not entirely sure how to peg this entire fiasco on Rush — except for the obvious fact that he unabashedly supported one of America’s all-time shittiest presidents - but he’s so easy to hate that I’m finding it hard NOT to blame him. Simply by virute of his existence, this country - nay, this world - is a worse place.

Ronald McDonald: Where did conspicuous consumption really start except in fast-food lines, calculating the practicality of getting a supersized meal for just a dollar more! We all thought we were being cost-savvy, but instead we were slowly expanding our waistlines, clogging our arteries and affording the world’s biggest fast-food chain with profits strong enough to keep it in good shape in the midst of a recession. Ronald didn’t warn us, he didn’t say with his white face, red mouth and ludicrous jumpsuit, “Hey kids, enjoy your 20-piece nuggets now, but in a decade you’ll be sitting alone in a booth at 3 a.m., sucking down honey mustard for nutrients and wondering where it all went wrong.” Just ask Grimace, or the Hamburgler, both of whom are undoubtedly holed up in a Burger King somewhere, destitute and abandoned. Behind the makeup and clown veneer, Ronald’s just another Bernie Madoff.