Respect Authority

First thing’s first — I don’t watch football, so I’m not going to pretend to like football today just because it’s a national holiday. I’m grumpy; my ankle is swollen as fuck and looking at it is actually making me nauseous, so really, my only hope for the Super Bowl this year is that everybody in the stadium dies, but especially Bruce Springsteen, if only because without him The Killers could have never existed.

Come on, I don’t even watch the X-Games, and those are culturally prescribed to me because I like skateboarding, just like tight jeans and irresponsible drinking habits. So really, if Mountain Dew can’t get my attention, do you think I’m going to tune in just to see the fucking Sobe Life Water lizards dancing? Wait… they’re in 3D? …Damn you, Sobe.

Largely, sports are taken far too seriously. In college, I once saw a Yankees fan beat a Red Sox fan across the back with a long wooden stake — that makes your average Middle Eastern conflict look sensible. Nonetheless, there is something to be said for taking sports just a little seriously, particularly in the realm of “extreme activities.” For instance, no matter how seriously you take riding a Razor scooter, absolutely nobody will be able to take you seriously.

Nonetheless, this video leaves me rather speechless all the same. If somebody produced this film as a parody of the current fixed gear epidemic, it would be called genius. But as it is, a serious aggressive scootering (Is that even a fucking term? If not, I want to kill myself for coining it) video, it’s kind of just… weird. It’s transfixing, certainly, but it’s kind of like watching a grown man, probably balding, playing with Devil Sticks in front of a meager crowd in Central Park. No matter how incredibly difficult it may be, there’s something inherent in the activity that instantly turns you into a loser for doing it. We’ll call the phenomenon Backwards-Upside-Down Sun Visor Syndrome.

On one hand you can’t help but respect the sheer difficulty of his tricks — just riding one of those things if you have feet larger than an eight-year-old’s is goddamned impossible. Yet, there is something just fundamentally goofy about it. It’s like being really awesome at riding a tricycle. It might make for a rather awe-inspiring YouTube clip, but it’s never going to be a way to get invited to those really sweet parties where they pay you to spray strippers with champagne.

One thing is for certain: we cannot let this become the next mandated means of transport in Williamsburg for people with mustaches who dress like they’re poor on purpose. As a species I mean. We’re like the T-Rex, watching our front limbs turn into twisted crack baby arms. Or who knows, maybe I’m just afraid to call it cool because then all the popular kids will think I’m a loser.