Respect Authority

So the big story this morning - which I couldn’t make up if I tried - is that of a 200-pound pet chimpanzee that authorities were forced to shoot to death after he mauled Charla Nash, a woman he had known for years, leaving her critically injured and lacking significant pieces of her face. 

The woman was a friend of the chimp’s Connecticut owner, 70-year-old Sandra Herold, who’s had 14-year-old Travis for years. The monkey has appeared in television commercials and often poses for photos with the locals. He also has many a claim to domestic fame: among Travis’ skills were drinking wine, bathing and dressing himself, and using the computer. 

I’m as much of an animal lover as the next person - those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan and probably-not-her-real-dog make me cry every time - but I also have a very clear understanding of the difference between “pet” and “wild animal.” Pets include dogs, cats, fish, turtles, even the occasional pot-bellied pig. Wild animals, as we’ve seen through countless in-home maulings, include alligators, tigers, oversized snakes — and chimpanzees. 

Yes, they’re cute, and they seem smart. But the ability to react to speech, wear pants with suspenders, or smoke cigarettes does not a creature of higher intelligence make. And either way, a good rule of thumb is to keep no pet that weighs more than you do. Especially at age 70, since I’m fairly certain Medicare doesn’t cover monkey maulings.