Respect Authority

Hold on to your butts.

Nope, that’s not a well-placed Samuel L. Jackson Jurassic Park reference, but rather a legitimate warning to all of the young boys out there in the Big Apple. Police are currently looking for a man who keeps walking up behind boys in the city, and “squeezing their buttocks.” He’s grabbed the bums of boys between the ages of 11 and 15, and kissed one of them on the neck, something I’m pretty sure I could drop-kick someone before they’d get close enough to achieve with me. 

The attacks have been going on since September, with the most recent incident taking place Thursday. 

Let me say this: My bum has been touched, whether “accidentally” or in an outright way, probably five or six times in New York. Never have I reported the incident to police in the interest of contributing to the discovery of a broader butt-grabbing trend. Because the creeps of New York City are in and of themselves a butt-grabbing trend. When you walk around in the Big Apple, be you boy, girl, 11 or 23, you watch your ass. 

But if someone kisses your neck, you mace them.