Respect Authority

So bats have been dying all over the country, and the FDA swears it isn’t another one of their unannounced efforts to rid the nation of some overpopulated species. No, in reality, the creatures of the night are being picked off en masse by so-called “deadly white nose syndrome.” 

According to Wikipedia, white nose syndrome is a “poorly understood” malady known for a distinctive ring of fungal growth around the muzzles of affected bats. First noticed in Albany, the syndrome has since spread to several states, and affected dozens of caves, in some cases with a death rate of 90%. Researchers don’t yet know its cause, or how it spreads, meaning that unless bat research jumps to the top of the list (beating out things like “global warming” and “AIDS”) they’re fairly doomed to continue dying in large quantities. Which spells doom for our ecosystem once the fruit population gets out of control. 

If you ask me, it’s pretty clear bats are doing cocaine. In fact, I know a couple of hipsters who suffer from white nose syndrome pretty much every weekend.