Respect Authority

The relentless onslaught of snow and wind let up for about five seconds this weekend, so I ventured out into the unforgiving wasteland in the hopes of getting some photos, actually interacting with the living, and throwing snowballs at the school bus and then running away before my mom finds out.

Of course, you remember what they told you about the yellow snow. That’s right, it has great lymon taste! You know what to do — obey your thirst^TM.

Somebody tell the big guy upstairs to get some Head & Shoulders, amiright amiright? No, seriously… God, you have a ridiculous dandruff problem; it’s the real reason you always wear white, everybody knows, oh and also, you don’t exist. Now, you go fly back on up to Candy Mountain, and be sure to tell the Devil that he missed our lunch date last Thursday and I am still quite upset about it. Fucking amateurs.

Do you always feel like, perhaps, somebody is watching you? That you have no privacy? Well, then you may be Kennedy William Gordy, better known as 80s R&B singer Rockwell, in which case, I hope you got that whole “paranoid-schizophrenic” thing under control. Rockwell is known for literally only one song, the international hit “Somebody’s Watching Me,” and that really only succeeded because he was somehow able to persuade Michael Jackson into singing on the chorus. Considering Rockwell can largely be considered a total failure, how he was able to convince MJ to help out on the track is a complete mystery. Except it probably had to do with either children’s dicks or sheets of perfectly preserved white skin.

Anyway, hope you’re reading, buddy — holy fucking shit! There’s somebody looking in your window! Oh snap, son, I was just playin.

Reportedly, whoever wrote that was talking about winter in Chicago. Don’t worry, I’m almost ready to shut up about it.