Respect Authority

In the interest of preserving the Wall Street Journal’s hard-won pay wall, I’ll just share my favorite headline of the day: “Halliburton to Pay $559 Million To Settle Bribery Investigation.” Get it!? Because they’re paying to settle charges of bribery? Yay for corporate integrity. 

In any case, here’s this morning’s round-up of hilarious - but actually mildly depressing because isn’t the recession, like, a total downer? - news. 

So, Iceland’s government has, well, collapsed. Prime Minister Geir Haarde says he is unwilling to meet the demands of his coalition government partners, the vaguely named Social Democratic Alliance Party. He had called for elections in May but now says he won’t lead his own party in the election because he needs treatment for cancer. Tune in next week when he impregnates the daughter of the country’s commerce minister, who later discovers she has an inoperable brain tumor. 

A London couple visiting New York City received a complimentary five-day stay at Manhattan’s Roger Smith Hotel, in exchange for a little voyeurism. Indeed, the couple is staying in a replica of one of the hotel’s rooms, that is in actuality on the ground floor of a nearby building. In exchange for their stay, the two must open a window to the street between 4:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. each day so passersby can watch ….two people sitting in a hotel room. It’s like The Real World, but more boring. 

The Senate OKed a three-month delay on the switch to digital television, because some people apparently still have antennas, which they have at no point used in the last year to hear one of the seven hundred billion announcements about the change-over to digital television. In addition, the government, who so thorughly promised the availability of converters (at no cost) to millions of unprepared citizens, ran out of the converters and the vouchers used to “buy” them. Apparently we were all just talking about the switch; no anticipated actually doing it. 

A Brooklyn fifth-grader who found a wallet containing some $500 turned the wallet, and money, in to his school principal, earning the respect of pretty much everyone except his peers and - based on this photo - his mom. Her body says “I’m so proud of you” but her face says “You fucking idiot.”

Check it out everybody, the circus has arrived at Fashion Week Paris!

And stay tuned for an exclusive preview of Kanye’s new single “YMCA & Heartbreak.”

Pursuing skateboarding isn’t exactly the same as embracing an activity like soccer. For one thing, it’s not like you’re going to get a scholarship for being really awesome at it. Plus, all the drugs you’re supposed to do while skateboarding are illegal. Meanwhile, every suburban town has 5% of its land federally mandated to be soccer fields (the other 95%? Reserved for Starbucks); whereas finding a skatepark in your town at all is a lucky break, finding one without its ramps buried beneath a swarm of Ripstiks and Razor scooters is basically no more than urban myth at this point. And instead of being proud of your accomplishments, your parents loathe your hobby and treat you like some kind of hooligan (note: because you are one).

But hey, let’s think of the the relative benefits of skating in a developed nation, like being able to drink clean Mountain Dew when you’ve worked up an xtreme thirst. You also don’t have to worry about getting blown up by terrorists on the way to your favorite spot, which is pretty convenient. And in America, we have MTV to turn you into a skater if you’ve always been more of a sexy princess, while your Afghan counterparts are getting their legs whipped with wires for even stepping on a board.

The skate scene in Kabul, Afghanistan is, understandably, a struggling minority to say the least. After all, the Taliban probably puts skateboarding up there with “Jewish High Holy Days” on their list of reasons to get out of bed in the morning and continue the jihad. Nonetheless, 34-year-old Oliver Percovich is attempting to start a skateboarding school there called Skateistan when, to be honest, if I were stuck in Kabul with only a skateboard, I’d be using it to skate the fuck out of Kabul. Read More ›

The assault has started. 

Hundreds of dead birds fell onto homes and cars in parts of a Somerset County, N.J. town this weekend, ostensibly part of a Department of Agriculture program to reduce the European starling population. Frankin Township resident Andrea Kipec told reporters she’d counted more than 150 birds on her property, a haul local authorities told her she is responsible for cleaning up. 

Health department officials say the dead birds - whose cause of death remains a secret (poison, obvi) - pose no hazard to people or pets, outside of their presence being a tad unsightly for the area. And residents remain confused about the bird-culling operation, about which USDA officials informed some local authorities and not others, and certainly not people whose homes would actually be littered with bird carcasses. 

Given the two-pronged avian attack on US Airways flight 1549 earlier this month, and a subsequent outcry against birds as malicious sky assailants, it should come as no surprise that local officials are taking measures to murder thousands of potential plane destroyers. The Port Authority is calling for the use of bird-radar at all New York area airports and City Council member Hiram Monserrate is waiting with bated breath for the OK on wanton bird assassination. David Weprin, another member of the City Council (which apparently has no real problems to deal with these days), is calling for various other measures to cull the goose population, including oiling unhatched eggs and pouring gravel over fields.

Oh yeah, and shooting. Because bullets flying around airports are certainly better than airborn Canada geese.

Even though Comedy Central still has long lost Chocolate News listed on their website, after weeks of absence on TV, I’m ready to accept that it actually may not be coming back — that, perhaps, David Alan Grier has escaped to Africa or had a nervous breakdown, whatever it was that got that poor Chappelle guy.

So, without any official word from the network itself, where is a mourning fan supposed to turn for the truth? Obviously, Wikipedia — it’s the Internet’s brain! Whereas Respect Authority is more like the Internet’s festering, irritated boil.

Naturally then, it came as some surprise to find RA’s sarcastic coverage of Chocolate News from a few months ago listed as a reference in Wikipedia’s stub for the show. You know, considering the article was entirely made up, even if it did happen to be incredibly prophetic. We’re like the Aeneid but, uh, for pointless, minuscule facets of pop culture that kind of not that many people care about.

Nonetheless, it scares me to think that somebody read that article — dated October 6th while the show wasn’t canceled until January, and which includes a “quote” from DAG, saying “I plan on returning to my roots as a street performer who dances for unfiltered candy cigarettes and voluntarily licks anything put within seven feet of what I like to call my ‘face area.’ Thank you for your time. Are you gonna eat that?” — somebody read it and assumed it was real news about Chocolate News. And now it’s on Wikipedia, modern society’s only trustworthy source of unadulterated, true information.

Granted, I know we have this kind of mysterious, hard-to-read (it’s a double entendre!) aura about us, but come on. You came to the most sarcastic website on the entire World Wide Web and actually thought we were serious? I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ve been serious in like, a month. And to be honest, I feel a little bad about it, like I lied to Wikipedia, and it’s been such a good friend to me when I’m at work and have nothing to do but read about the origin of Unicorns throughout history. So, sorry, Wikipedia… I hope this doesn’t jeopardize our relationship, but instead, marks a new, spectacular frontier for us, when we can lie to you a lot more often and still totally get away with it.

Welcome to the revolution. First Wikipedia, next… I don’t know, Urban Dictionary or something.

"VitaminWater heals bullet wounds."

The following information might be difficult to swallow (no pun intended): VitaminWater, the erstwhile companion to athletes and hipsters alike, is not actually “good for you.”

I know what you’re thinking: “But they said it was!” “It has Vitamin in the name!” Sorry compadres, in a shocking turnaround for massive beverage companies the world over, it seems Coke may have *gasp* misled us.

Indeed, nutrition advocacy group the Center for Science in the Public Interest is suing the Coca-Cola Company, for what it calls “deceptive” claims the company makes about VitaminWater, including Coke’s promises that VitaminWater boosts immunity and reduces the risk of disease. The group called Coke’s claims “nonsense” and has filed a class action lawsuit over the matter.

The suit is a downer for Coke, who shelled out over $4 billion for VitaminWater less than two years ago, considered a savvy move at the time given consumers’ increasing predilection for all variety of chemically enhanced water. VitaminWater, for its part, had already become one of the biggest names in faux H20, capturing the image of 20-something urban centers with the added benefit of athlete and musician endorsements. I find Formula 50 no more appealing than a watered down glass of grape juice, but if 50 Cent prefers it every so often to a bottle o’ bub, well that’s quite a testimonial. Read More ›

There have long been varied opinions on the nature and tradition of funerals. For some - and I won’t say who for fear of exposing my paltry geographical and cultural knowledge - funerals are a time for extreme mourning: covered mirrors, black clothes, screams of agony heard round the world. For others, funerals are for the celebration of life, a time to reflect back on the joys of an existence well spent. And now, for the very strange few, funerals are a time to show just how dead you are - to the entire world. 

According to the Associated Press and various other morbidly inclined news outlets, a growing number of funeral service providers are embracing the Internet these days, as in offering live Web streaming and archived online video. The practice was in theory developed for military personnel and others overseas, who might not have the luxury of appearing in person at a loved one’s funeral. But as technology improves - and costs less - funeral directors say the practice might become far more common. 

In the context of soldiers hoping to participate in mourning from afar, the idea of streaming funerals online is a tad heartwarming, if not mildly strange. But should this particular technological advancement take hold in a more universal way, I can’t even imagine the sorts of uncomfortably awkward video viewing we all have in our futures. Weddings streamed live online? Baptisms? Circumcisions? Read More ›

Who the fuck is giving career advice to Brendan Fraser these days? 

While I’ll be the first to admit I’ve thought more than once about seeing Journey to the Center of the Earth (3D) after a few choice hits from the bowl, Inkheart - Fraser’s latest foray into the world of fantasy moviemaking - has me worried the man is consciously committing career suicide. 

Based on a children’s book, Inkheart is about Mo, a guy with the unique ability to bring characters out of books. One night he brings to life three characters from Inkheart, a medieval story filled with magic and names like “Basta” and “Dustfinger.” The rest seems fairly typical for children’s fantasy - legendary battles and mystical creatures interspersed with the not-so-subtle dispensation of lessons in morality. 

It’s not that I don’t understand why this movie was made: I mean, children do exist (against all of my efforts to pretend otherwise), and these types of movies have had some significant success in recent years (Narnia, Golden Compass, Beowulf). But for Fraser to release two such films in a row, and one of them so gimmicky as to utilitize ever-unpopular 3D technology, is the equivalent of Vince Vaugh’s two-time entrance into the world of Christmas movies. This is territory from which one does not return.
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When street culture inevitably becomes mainstream culture, what will be the new underground scene? Gardening, perhaps. Or more likely, reading. Something really uncool, that’s for sure.

By now everyone has seen Shepard Fairey’s iconic Obama poster (pictured right), which he created before Super Tuesday as an independent promotion for the rising presidential hopeful (get it?!?!). Its popularity grew faster than even Obama’s, and soon the poster was everywhere.

From street wear and street culture blogs, where Fairey’s work is more typically featured, to mainstream political blogs, and of course, slathered on random buildings across New York’s East Village, the image was almost as pervasive as the general consensus amongst rational human beings that George W. Bush really needed to go the fuck back to his home on Planet of the Apes and stop ruining ours.

Naturally, Obama’s campaign, in its tide-turning understanding of modern marketing, picked up on the poster’s viral success and contacted Fairey to produce two more posters for official use, this time bearing the slogans “Vote” and “Change.” Fairey’s portrait went on to be used on the cover of TIME Magazine’s 2008 Person of the Year issue, and in fact, Fairey was even included as one of GQ’s people of the year. Lucky fuck. Literally no other time in history would this have been possible; for somebody’s work, that would largely be considered vandalism and a form of graffiti by the scowling majority, to not only be positively recognized but then actually utilized by a fucking presidential campaign… well, change really must have come to America. Read More ›

Just the other night I was thinking to myself that the country’s almost cult-like obsession with Barack Obama is a tad too creepy to be considered mere patriotism. This morning, my fears were affirmed. 

Ty, the company behind the Beanie Babie phenomenon, has two new dolls: “Sweet Sasha” and “Marvelous Malia.” A Ty spokeswomans claims the “bronze-skinned dolls” aren’t modeled after the country’s newest First Children, but it’s a rather difficult coincidence to swallow.

Which isn’t to say there haven’t been dolls modeled after past political figures - in fact, I’m pretty sure there are still a few choice George W. dolls floating around in the ether. But those are the kind of gag products that fart when you squeeze them, or mumble “misunderestimated” when you pull a string in the back. Creating two completely unneccessary stuffed children that eerily resemble the president’s daughters - well that’s unquestionably absurd. 

My only suggestion to Ty - short of making sure their lawyers are close at hand - is to go the Beanie Baby route again, and create mini-incarnations of the entire White House entourage, First Family, vice president and cabinet included. I’d pay good money for a miniature Hillary Clinton doll, pantsuit sold separately.

Last month, skateboarding blog to rule them all, Crailtap, hosted a contest calling for edited video compilations of a bunch of unused footage from skateboarding’s first epic poem, Fully Flared. A couple weeks ago they announced the winner, so if you live in an area of the world where skateboarding is actually possible this time of year, it’s entirely likely you missed it since you weren’t frozen (heh) to your computer screen the whole time like some of us poor unfortunates.

Apologies to those of you who have seen the following video already — but hey, the Internet’s a big place and there’s always plenty of free low-quality pornography to look at! …Frankly, the fact that you’re here as opposed to looking at shitty porn already indicates something considerably abnormal about you (potentially either a good or bad thing).

Winner Cosme gives the outtakes a delightfully light-hearted animated treatment, turning them into skate video and art piece alike. The sketchy, flowing rotoscoped animation is a perfect fit for the laid back, line-heavy style of many of Lakai’s riders, although there’s certainly nothing sketchy about any of the tricks performed. Skate puns! …I literally can’t imagine those appealing to really… anyone, actually. I’ve finally discovered something unmarketable in the marketing blackhole that is the skateboarding industry! And they dared to say punk rock is dead.

One of my favorite things about the Girl, Chocolate, and Lakai teams is that there has always been such an emphasis on clean, effortless style masking the absurd difficulty level behind the kind of tech wizardry all those fuckers seem inherently good at. It’s always impressive to regularly produce some of the hardest tricks ever performed on a skateboard and still somehow make it look fun. And fuck, what’s more fun than cartoons?

Oh yeah, that would be cartoons and marijuana at the same time. I think I’ve said all I need to here.

In an all-advised moment of TV indecision last night, I stumbled onto one of MTV’s various Inauguration-related events, ostensibly a ball or concert or some other type of public spectacle meant to remind 13- to 20-year-olds (Yes, I made that demographic up) that politics is important for them too.

On screen, MTV veejay Sway was chatting with Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore about their recent public service announcement promoting usaservice.org, an Obama-affiliated Web site that helps people find community service projects in their area. The idea: to remind us that giving a buck to the homeless guy outside Grand Central doesn’t count as “community service” – and in many cases two hours at a soup kitchen is more significant than $20 spent on a charity.  Oh yeah, and turn off the lights when you leave a room. 

In principle, I admire the effort. No matter how open-minded, tolerant or forward thinking our population becomes – and is bound to become as born-and-bred generational racists are succeeded by the MTV Youth – we are not so much known for our extraordinary contributions to volunteer work. This isn’t to say that there aren’t millions of people, young and old, volunteering their time and energy to charitable causes at this very moment; simply that there are many millions more people who aren’t. Read More ›