Respect Authority

No better way to start your day than with a healthy dose of food poisoning and two counts of sexual molestation.

In another example of how delicious food can make you violently ill, health officials are calling for people to toss any peanut butter that could be linked to a 43-state salmonella outbreak. While Burger King managers are giving thanks — no Tomato Scare 2009, and as far as I know there are no peanut butter burgers — the Keebler elves are, like, totally pissed off. 

An investigation of a 44-year-old Connecticut teacher who allegedly sexually assaulted a 15-year-old girl turned up a surprise fun fact: a 20-year-old teacher at the same school sexually assaulted a totally different student. Two sexual assaults for the price of one! The most burning question is obviously: why was a 20-year-old teaching?

At least four women are accusing Joseph Brooks, Academy Award-winning songwriter of smooth jazz stalwart “You Light Up My Life,” of luring them to his home and sexually assaulting them while they auditioned for movie roles. Brooks, who allegedly told the ladies they were auditioning for the role of a prostitute, should have specified he was looking for method actors.