Respect Authority

My morning’s off to a bad start. I split my pants (seriously, this actually happens to people), spilled cat food all over my kitchen/self and left a much-needed sports bra at home, which means my gym experience this evening will be interesting to say the least. I also had a really uncomfortable dream about a small hampster that grew into a vicious dog and died in my arms in a 2-minute span of time. I’m beginning to think I watch too much TV. 

But with such a plethora of quirky a.m. news stories available to me, who could be upset? Here’s RA’s roundup:

ACTOR RIP TORN pleaded not guilty to drunken driving charges in Connecticut, about two years after he was fined and lost his license for similar charges in New York. Why Rip felt he could get away with a not guilty plea is beyond me, since police say he was driving in the breakdown lane with a Christmas tree tied  to his roof, and failed a sobriety test because he said the ground “wasn’t level enough.” He also refused a Breathalyzer,  but that mug shot is Breathalyzer enough.

PROVING MY THEORY that the ratio of perverted to non-perverted teachers is on the rise, a 24-year-old teacher at a private music school in New York is charged with persuading an 11-year-old boy to take nude pictures and video of his penis, and later touching said private area. Dude faces up to seven years in prison, where I hope he’ll grow even more familiar with touching other men’s private parts.

LONG BEACH MEDICAL CENTER and six other New York area hospitals are being sued for participating in a scam that involved rounding up homeless and hungry people, throwing them into detox, and filing false Medicaid claims. ”[They] literally picked up strangers on the street, shuttled them to hospitals where they received treatment that was either inadequate or unnecessary and then billed the state,” NY Attorney General Andrew Cuomo said. Wasn’t this a Hugh Grant movie?

A FEW DOZEN people called into New York City’s 311 line Monday to report the smell of maple syrup wafting through their area. Department of Environmental Protection agency investigators are searching for the source of the smell, which has descended on parts of NYC at least three times before. Apparently the DEP has nothing better to do, nor do NYC residents. Or the New York Times, which felt compelled to write about this. Or…apparently…me.