Respect Authority

http://www.respectauthoritymag.com

 
 

Archive for January 2009

Mags Flag

Filed Under: Zero Tolerance

magsBack in the day, when my faith in the magazine industry was not yet lost, I made the massive mistake of subscribing to Radar. I say this was both a mistake, and massive, not because I don’t enjoy Radar — rather, it was and is one of my two favorite magazines — but because the process of subscribing to a dying media is trying, frustrating and ultimately heartbreaking.

You see, in a way this was my fault. Being something of a nerd for media gossip, I knew Radar’s unfortunate history: the magazine had already started and folded several times before its latest incarnation, sort of like a determined toddler whose attempts at walking keep ending with crashes into the coffee table.

Moreover, Radar’s latest foray into the great big world of publishing came at a time when magazines were already on the decline: some of the country’s more stalwart titles — Time, Newsweek, Men’s Vogue — were already seeing storm clouds on the horizon, so for a magazine devoted to the very celebrity gossip and snarky commentary reinvented by the mag-killing blogosphere to attempt a print revival — well it was sort of like glossy suicide. Read More ›

 
kira

11:00 AM on January 31st, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

No Comments ›

Tags: , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Wrong Answer

Filed Under: Pop Culture

My Yahoo! Avatar

My Yahoo! Avatar

Yahoo! Answers may very well be stupidity’s final frontier. And now there is a blog dedicated to harvesting the dregs from the bottom of the Internet’s nearly-bottomless barrel of insipid, fermented shit — creating a new time waster out of a previous time waster, a place where smart people can waste their time laughing and feeling superior to the trogolodytes that waste their time routinely crawling out of their dank caves long enough to type questions like “why do my fingers smell like poop after I scratch my butthole?

Here’s one such gem from this Friday afternoon which currently seems to be stretching into infinity. And yes, I did, in fact, LOL.

What sexuality would you say i am?
Question: Im neither gay, bi, or straight. some people call me asexual but thats not possible because that would mean i could reproduce without a sperm. so how would you say my sexuality?

Answer: definitely homosexual.

Reading these is like Internet culture’s America’s Funniest Home Videos. It’s not only entertaining, but also serves as a barometer of sorts for our species’ continued devolution. I like to have a few laughs while keeping tabs on how close humanity is to staggering back into the primordial soup from which it first emerged. Now, if only a terminally depressed Bob Sagat would narrate the whole affair, we’d be all set to sit back with some marshmallows dipped in Jack Daniels (or orange liqueur if you’re a fucking asshole) and watch Rome burn.

 
aaron

4:36 PM on January 30th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

2 Comments ›

Tags: , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

In A Galaxy Far Far Away

Filed Under: TV Reviews

bstarThis has been a long time coming and I find myself - despite months of opportunity on both our parts - feeling a little guilty for taking the honor away from Lou, but it has to be said, and it has to be said now: Battlestar Galactica is the most underrated show on television. 

You see, it’s Friday, and Friday means a lot of things to me: jeans and a T-shirt, donuts at work, happy hour  at the stroke of 5, and various theoretical social engagements after. Yet on this particular Friday — one on which the social engagements have advanced from the mere theoretical to the planned and actual — I find myself legitimately bummed that my evening won’t include the 10 p.m. Battlestar viewing I’ve managed to finagle for the past two weeks. 

Oh I can see you scoffing: “Friday night is for, like, drinking” or “Science fiction shows are lame.” Well, ye of little faith, for one, I totally watch BSG WHILE drinking. Secondly, science fiction shows are (generally) pretty lame, which is why Battlestar’s ability to cross genre boundaries and entertain everyone from Lou — who has a TiVo season pass to at least three shows about space — to myself, a stalwart proponent of any show that features scantily-clad former strippers vying for the affection of a washed-up musician, highlights just how universally (no pun intended) awesome it is. Read More ›

 
kira

2:20 PM on January 30th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

1 Comment ›

Tags:

Bookmark and Share
 

Blagoimpeach

Filed Under: Politics

blagojevich

I did a lot of things that were mostly right. 

And with that, now-former-governor Rod Blagojevich lost his job. What’s more, the Illinois legislature barred him from ever serving in public office again. Concluding months of media coverage on the second-slowest political train wreck of the century (the first being the entire Bush Administration).

But the real wreck wasn’t so much the taped conversations or the melodramatic U.S. attorney press conference, it was his refusal to resign while going on a quoting tour of British writers and appointing crazy blacks to the Senate instead… which sort of worked on me.  

Crackheadish rambling aside, he did have a point: he didn’t actually do anything, or rather he didn’t actually do anything yet — a technicality he maintained right up to the incredibly bitter, 45-minute end. Blagojevich’s final desperate “defense” amounted to begging legislators to put themselves in his shoes and spare him the embarrassment of having to tell his daughters that his gubernatorial career made Sarah Palin look competent… which, again, is bizarrely reasonable.

[nytimes.com]

 
lou

9:58 AM on January 30th, 2009 | 

Posted by lou

No Comments ›

Tags: ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Raising The Curtain On Burton

Filed Under: Movies

coraline-450x324If you’ve seen even one preview for upcoming animated feature Coraline, then you - like me - likely assumed the film was written, produced and/or directed by Tim Burton, the brains behind gems like The Nightmare Before Christmas and duds like Sweeney Todd

Well, your assumption would be wrong. Some very legitimate investigative reporting (thanks IMDB, and Aaron) reveals that Tim Burton wasn’t involved in the production of Coraline - the creepy story of a girl who escapes into a “perfect” fantasy world, only to discover it’s full of evil, something I personally feel she should have assumed as soon as she saw everyone had buttons for eyes. In any case, the movie is directed by Henry Selick, who also directed The Nightmare Before Christmas, and was a classmate of Burton’s in art school. 

So if Selick was the mind behind Nightmare, ostensibly Tim Burton’s claim to fame, what exactly has Tim Burton done lately that warrants such unwavering respect? Well, he did produce Nightmare, and wrote, produced and directed The Corpse Bride, which actually isn’t something I’d brag about. In the last decade, he also directed Sweeney Todd, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Big Fish, the last of which was phenomenal. But all of his other career-making films - Batman, Batman Returns, Edward Scissorhands and Beetle Juice - were at least 12 years ago, and he spent the late 1990s making enjoyable but fluffy films like Mars Attacks! and Sleepy Hollow. Read More ›

 
kira

4:28 PM on January 29th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

No Comments ›

Tags: , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Mirrors and Walls Are Sweating

Filed Under: Art

Ronald Kurniawan may have just become my new favorite artist. Of course, in two weeks he’ll have to fight to the death before a savage, jeering crowd for his right to hold his title against whatever fit of fancy crosses my path next, but for now, he can paint comfortably and continue taking massive doses of LSD on the weekends or whatever it is that drives his delightful blend of genius and insanity.

kurniawan1

Kurniawan’s style is uniquely beautiful; something about it seems utterly alien, but most of his paintings still maintain a very welcoming atmosphere. His work is incredibly psychedelic without being overwhelming or falling into the common problem of being deemed suitable only for fuzzy velvet blacklight posters relegated to the dusty back corners of random suburban head shops. Read More ›

 
aaron

1:42 PM on January 29th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

1 Comment ›

Tags: , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Rain or Shine

Filed Under: Movies

thepostmanWhere’s Kevin Costner when you need him?

I guess that’s not a question we ask ourselves very often - since who ever needs (or even wants) Kevin Costner? But with the nation’s postmaster general announcing this week that huge deficits may force the post office to drop a day of mail delivery each week, it seems Kevin Costner may be the new Jack Bauer. 

Indeed, postmaster general John Potter said Wednesday that the post office was nearly $3 billion in the red last year, and asked lawmakers to lift the requirement that the agency deliver mail six days a week. The ousted day may not even be obvious-choice Saturday, but a weekday with typically light delivery. 

So why am I looking for Kevin you ask? Well, in the year 2013, civilization will have all but destroyed itself. After a war decimates the government, most of the nation’s population will strugle to survive against starvation and rogue groups of armed men. One such group will be called the Holnists, and their leader, General Bethlehehm, will have delusions of running the country. A drifter (Kev) will be captured by said group and forced to join. He’ll escape at first chance, and happen upon a mail jeep with a skeleton in it. In the interest of keeping warm, he’ll don the skeleton’s cozy postal uniform, after which he will find a mailbag and begin delivering old letters, thereby restoring hope to small cities throughout the nation. 

Eventually he gets inspired, takes down the Holnists and restores faith in America, but that’s besides the point. The point is that in 1997, Kevin Costner promised us that when the apocalypse comes, someone will still be delivering the mail. And I expect that promise to be kept. Just like I expect him to lead me to land when the polar ice caps melt and the Earth’s surface is covered in water and one-eyed Dennis Hoppers.

 
kira

10:06 AM on January 29th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

No Comments ›

Tags: ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Skinny White Bitches

Filed Under: New York

wallstreethos-450x240

Sexism aside, there are times when it’s totally okay to be a little embarrassed by your gender. The same way my dad’s high-socks-with-shorts combo used to make me cringe, there are plenty of females in the world that induce in me a longing for more masculine concerns, like obscure sports statistics, or deciding between Axe and Tag.

Today is one of those days. In a feat of “Let’s get people to make themselves look bad on the record,” the New York Times profiled a group of young women known as DABA – Dating a Bankers Anonymous – who gather in various Sex-and-the-City-esque locations to discuss Wall Street’s collapse. But not in terms of its effect on their 401Ks, job prospects or ability to pay rent; rather, how the disintegrating banking sector is taking a toll on their relationships with one-time titans of finance. Read More ›

 
kira

4:30 PM on January 28th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

2 Comments ›

Tags: , , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

The Poopetrator

Filed Under: Pop Culture

monkey_courtroomHere’s a tip for anybody out there hoping to land a mistrial at their next court appearance: just rub human shit all over your lawyer, and for good measure, why not toss a little over towards the jury as well?

The headline of the actual real life story that prompted this article unfortunately trumps any joke I could possibly make about the hilariously deranged situation. Indeed, “Mistrial after defendant smears feces on lawyer” pretty much says it all.

Nonetheless, the following description of the poo-flinging antics adds a little color to the tale, and that color is, naturally, brown with streaks of green. Sorry, but Wednesdays are Chinese, Thursdays are pizza. Anyway, it reads, “[the defendant] had smuggled a bag of feces into court and spread it on Martin’s hair and face before flinging the excrement at jurors.” And, as far as I know, the defendant hadn’t planned on pleading insanity, but I have a feeling that’s probably on the table now, next to a pile of steaming dookie, of course… that is, if there are any lawyers left willing to work with him at all.

I tell you, the justice system in this country is such a fucking zoo. Other possible headlines from the wild world of criminal jurisdiction, or perhaps, episode titles from the upcoming Animal Planet/Court TV crossover series, The Wild World of Criminal Jurisdiction:

  • Horseplay in the court: DA kicked in head by crazed Renaissance Fair Goat Man
  • As guilty sentence falls, flock of murderous birds flies out of court room
  • Monkey claims watching Oceans 11 made him rob casino
  • Irwin family seeking damages from Sting Ray community
  • World seeking damages from those responsible for Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Really can’t wait to see what Law & Order does with this one. Too bad Jerry Orbach doesn’t have eyes anymore… he’ll never see this shit coming.

 
aaron

2:45 PM on January 28th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

1 Comment ›

Tags: , , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

The View From Up Here

Filed Under: TV

Yesterday I had a staggering celebrity look-alike revelation, and I think you’ll agree that US Weekly’s utter lack of coverage about this speaks more of their weakness than their kindness.

whoopi_clifford

It’s not just me, right? I mean, obviously the comparison goes beyond the fact that they’re both supposed to be black men.

 
aaron

9:57 AM on January 28th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

No Comments ›

Tags: , , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Rock of Love Butt

Filed Under: Screenshots From Kira's Television

dscn0151-450x337Remember how it made headlines - and by headlines I mean Gawker’s - when news emerged that the latest cast of  losers to populate MTV’s The Real World included the show’s first-ever post-op tranny? Well little does Viacom know that just one network over, another tranny - with a more sophisticated disguise - is in residence on VH1’s Rock of Love Bus.

Farrah (pictured), who made a name for herself on Day 1 with the memorable (and suggestive) declaration “I think when I’m drunk I’m a lesbian,” has since flown completely under the radar — primarily because the show only has room for one sarcastic and condescending bitch, a role Ashley has undertaken with impressive determination. Ironically, Ashley - if one will remember my initial post - herself looks like a post-op, but in a more tragic “I know you’re actually just a really unfortunate looking woman with a lot of makeup on” way. She proably got picked on as a child.

Back to Farrah. The ladies this past week took a trip to Chicago’s Horseshoe Casino, where Bret played a show at “The Venue,” which sounds (and looked) pretty decent until one takes a gander at The Venue’s upcoming performances, which include “Acrobatics of Hebei China,” Air Supply and something called “The Australian Bee Gees show.” God only knows where Bret would have been performing if he didn’t have a reality TV show.

The object of the challenge was to dismantle a stage and pack it away in a trailer, all while wearing impressively slutty lingerie ensembles, which weren’t specifically mandated but seemed to be all the girls’ interpretation of “dress to impress.” Farrah, for her part, pulled off a semi-one-piece - even with those broad shoulders and a suspicious lack of hips or butt.

Since I’m not really putting Farrah’s possession of a penis up for debate here - I’ve been 100% sure for at least two episodes - I’m more concerned at this point with when - and how exactly - Bret Michaels is going to make the discovery. Will it be soon - perhaps during a poorly timed swimming challenge? Or later, during one of his “overnight” visits? I can only hope it’s the former; considering how worked up Bret got last week over one girl’s alleged mockery of his hair extensions, I can only imagine the wrath that would stem from this sort of revelation. Every rose has its thorn indeed.

 
kira

4:45 PM on January 27th, 2009 | 

Posted by kira

No Comments ›

Tags: ,

Bookmark and Share
 

Special Tricks

Filed Under: Skateboarding

Making a sponsor me video can be tough, especially today as skateboarding progresses beyond the limits of human understanding. Want to know what it takes to make the cut? In the video below, DJ Dogpound grinds his way through an educational glimpse at what you’ll be up against as a budding amateur skater. All you have to do right now is press play, and maybe grind your teeth.

embeded_header
 
aaron

2:29 PM on January 27th, 2009 | 

Posted by aaron

No Comments ›

Tags: , , ,

Bookmark and Share
 

 
 
© 2008 Respect Authority. All rights reserved. Design by Aaron Hatch.