Respect Authority

The family that lynch mobs together, stays together.

An insane person, from here on referred to as Heath Campbell, fathered a child three years ago. Tired of all the Mikes, Johns, and black people running around out there in the world, he opted to name his son something a little more special. The perfect name he finally decided upon? Adolf Hitler. That’s right. He named his innocent son Adolf Hitler Campbell, apparently for no other reason aside from wanting to see little Adolf get beaten to death by a savage mob on his first day of school.

Heath and his assumed equally deranged wife, Deborah (she did, after all, not only marry Heath, but then agree to name her kid after their beloved Führer) are outraged after a Pennsylvania ShopRite refused to decorate a birthday cake for the bouncing bundle of fascism and death with his name on it. Apparently somebody thought it might be offensive or something? Who knows. First a Muslim elected to the presidency and now this? The whole country’s going to shit.

Campbell believes that “people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past.” And you know, what better place to start than with yourself, Heath? Considering the cloud your head is in looks suspiciously like the shape of a Ku Klux Klan mask, dickface.

He goes on to say, “There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change.” While this is true, I think that change Obama was referring to is kind of supposed to be going in the other direction, which would mean not immortalizing mass murderers bent on genocide and world domination. Nice interpretation, though. I suppose “hope” is a relative term, after all. For example, I hope that Obama’s election is a sign that generations of spiteful, ignorant fucks who name their kids after totalitarian madmen are finally dying off, whereas I suppose you hope that it means a black man as president will finally motivate South Carolina to reinstate slavery and secede from the country again. Also, I hope that you get hit by a car.

Nonetheless, young Adolf’s party went on, and according to his parents, even children of other races were invited! “If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?” Campbell asked. Um, maybe because you’re a brainwashed, inconsistent racist with the constitution of Jello Pudding Snacks and were only in it for the presents anyway, bigot.

Campbell claims he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he just happened to be fond of the name and because “no one else in the world would have that name.” And he’s right, because it’s a horrible fucking name. Would you name your child Hiroshima Smith? Would you name your child Cthulhu Jones? Don’t even bother answering, honestly, I’ll be infinitely better off not knowing. Oh, and the only reason you like the name in the first place is because you’re a pathetic fiend of a man raised on a strict diet of pure evil.

Naming your kid Adolf Hitler is tantamount to actually creating Adolf Hitler. After years of relentless, merciless grade school and high school teasing, baby Addie here will surely grow into a perfect sapling of a sociopath himself, ensuring that, in some regard, he will live up to his namesake, even if he never happens to grow a weird little mustache. I mean, who knows what will be fashionable in the facial hair arena 20 years from now?

Regardless, Campbell claims to have fairly progressive views, despite, you know, loving Nazis. “Say he grows up and hangs out with black people,” he continues, “That’s fine, I don’t really care.” Yeah, uh, maybe because you wouldn’t have a fucking choice. Given that little thing called World War II, I think we can safely say that Adolf Hitler does whatever the hell Adolf Hitler wants, regardless of how much you, or 11 million Jews for that matter, care.

Years later, when Heath Campbell’s wife gives birth to a black baby, he will be surprised, calling it “divine intervention.” Conversely, in the privacy of her own thoughts, his wife will call it “the electrician’s.”