Respect Authority

The fact of the matter is, we’re not all cyborgs yet (unfortunately), so the periodic intake of nourishment is kind of a must in order to, you know, continue living. There are people who dedicate their entire lives to the pursuit of food — they’re known as food bloggers… and also the morbidly obese. So, whether you were sampling the Crème brûlée wherever all the rich assbags are having their meals lately, scraping cold SpaghettiOs out of the can, or shamelessly polishing off an entire tin of chocolate frosting before throwing it back up, here’s what had us licking our chops in two thousand and eight.

NYC mandated calorie counts in restaurants
Listen, I know Chipotle is bad for me. But I don’t need to be reminded that a burrito and a soda is 4,000 calories. That is all. — lou

New York Pizza
It’s a classic, but who could deny the timeless perfection of Brooklyn style pizza? I’m not talking about the pizza you order from Dominos.com at 2 in the morning when you’re stoned claiming to be “Brooklyn style” — I’m talking about the baseball-pennant-sized slice of grease and early-death you pick up from the poorly lit health code violation on the corner of Church and Coney Island Avenue. Moving to Chicago, where everybody is under the impression that “pizza” actually means “a circular loaf of bread with sauce smeared on top of it” has only solidified that when it comes to pizza, New York City has all the fixings (Ed. note: That “zinger” is the STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I have ever written). — aaron

Sparks
In a fitting tribute to the end of the period in my life where it’s really and truly okay to party until 6 a.m., Miller agreed this year to end the six-year run of Sparks, an alcoholic energy drink that gave me massive headaches and tasted like condensed Sweet Tarts. Now young adults devoted enough to mix caffeine with Friday-night rabblerousing will have to go the old fashioned route: cocaine. — kira