Respect Authority

Commercials used to be fun. Well some of them were anyway. Maybe fun’s not the best word. What am I tryin to say here? Ah yes — they used to not all be so very awful. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the quality and likability of commercials has gone down since the rise of tivos/dvrs. With so many people fast-forwarding through commercial breaks to get back to their stories, many of your normal 15 to 30 second spots have had to get your attention in another way just in case your finger slips off your remote, or if you’re actually watching a television program like we all used to way back in the ’90s.

The last commercial I can think of that I truly enjoyed (and by this I mean that I’ve never not laughed at it) and had some sort of charm was this one, while on the other hand, I can name about five commercials that I saw in the last day that make me want to eat my own eyeballs.

The sad state of commercials didn’t really get my attention until October when I first saw this abomination: don’t click here - you’ve been warned, along with the Bud Light “Drinkability” commercials every five minutes while the Phillies were making their run through the playoffs. Thankfully, the Phillies won the World Series and I was a lot less concerned about Toyota and Bud Light, but now that those commercials are dead, I think we need to pay attention to just how bad things have gotten, and that’s where Kommercial Korner comes in. So thanks to me, you now have a place to go where you can pay attention to commercials (outside of the Super Bowl). Either that, or you can just skip this and read a different post. It’s up to you really.

Commercial the First (please watch it at least twice for full effect):

When I saw this commercial for the first time I thought that it was a little weird that this guy would be married to a deaf woman and not have a full grasp of sign language. After watching it closer, I realized that they weren’t married (no ring!), though it looks like they very well could be one day in this fictional commercial universe. So even though that angle was closed off, I thought that there was still something wrong going on in this 30 second window. After a couple more viewings it finally hit me, and hit me it did thricely.

Much like this man of (I guess) average wealth, I do not understand much sign language. However, I am an expert at reading minds and body language, and I see three different possibilities of what this man is actually saying to his girlfriend with this gift. Time for a list!

• “Hey, babe. You know how you’re always ’signing’ that you want to be just like everyone else? Well, here’s a brand new watch from Kay Jewelers!” Every kiss begins with Kay! And . . . scene!
• “I’m sorry my signing still isn’t very good . . . but . . . you know what? I don’t really have the time to learn another language. It’s not like I’m sitting around my house all day, or I’m in school. I have to go out there and work 60 hours a week just so I can afford to buy you this stupid watch that the TV told me to get. And it’s not like I don’t know any other languages — I took 5 years of Spanish, plus I know all of the Sioux dialogue from Dances With Wolves, but I guess that’s not good enough for you! I mean, I guess it’s nice that you can’t hear me fart, but your nose still worked last I checked, unless of course you told me that you couldn’t smell either, but I wouldn’t even know if you did. Stupid sign language. Who talks with their hands anyway? You’re not even Italian! I think you’re like Dutch or something, right? Again, I have no idea!” Every kiss begins with Kay! And . . . scene!
• “Yeah. Go ahead, open that box. Oh, do you like it? Just so you know, I set the alarm for 4pm tomorrow because that’s when I’m leaving you for someone who can hear me tell them to make me a sandwich. You’d think the sign for ’sandwich’ would be easy — a hand on top of the other hand — but nooooo! Apparently, you need to have at least one slice of some sort of lunch meat in between your hands when you do it, or else it means something entirely different and perverted. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like having to carry around smoked turkey in my pockets all day just in case I get hungry. And why would there be a sign for Eskimo bestiality anyway? What’s wrong with you people? Merry Christmas indeed!” Every kiss begins with Kay! And . . . scene!

Yeah, so one of those three. Until next time, you’ve been kornered!

I need to work on my catchphrases.