Respect Authority

For the past several weeks, Eric Koston and Steve Berra’s throne of internet-reality-meets-skateboarding-TV has been hosting the Battle at The Berrics, a S.K.A.T.E. tournament, and really, what’s more satisfying than witnessing a highly-paid pro skateboarder actually lose at something? It’s skate culture’s version of watching pop starlets get fat. Seeing one of these genetically-modified mutants miss a kickflip is about on the level of watching a smiling Britney Spears shave off all her hair, the staggering fall from grace so immense you immediately stop to think that perhaps the tabloids weren’t lying for once… perhaps the stars really are just like us.

Although the entire competition, which features new games every Saturday and Sunday, is populated by a roster of incredibly talented people I’m massively envious of, there are nonetheless a few pretty cruelly unfair match-ups. Tyler Bledsoe is stupid good, but he’s also the McLovin’ of the skateboarding industry — dude must have wept into his rich, milk chocolate Ovaltine when PJ Ladd’s name was drawn from the hat. Likewise, no amount of $100,000 chains with a diamond-encrusted golden DC Shoes logo hanging from them can save Rob Dyrdek from Eric Koston, who doesn’t even need the home field advantage in this game.

Similarly, Girl’s five year old wunderkind, Sean Malto, paired up against Donovan Strain seemed like the makings of a massacre, considering Donovan’s self-described credentials are “professional hustlah an’ shit talker.”

However, things didn’t quite turn out that way. All of the games have been fun to watch, but the level of skating in this one is enough to make even the toughest aging park lurker break down and wish they had picked up rollerblading in junior high instead. I’m talking some serious diagonal up, X, X on the XBox 360 shit.