Respect Authority

One of the many pleasures afforded me by the ubiquity of Facebook is the ease with which I can keep track of the personal lives of people I barely know. Although privacy issues, coupled with long-overdue common sense, have yielded an abundance of secret profiles, there was a time in Facebook’s adolescence when everyone friended pretty much everyone.

As a result of my own early Facebook whoring, I happen to be friends with a girl, let’s call her Sally, whose life is no longer in any way tied to my own. Based on our shared friends it would seem we attended middle school together, but I could neither confirm nor deny this from seeing her picture now. If she were to pass me on the street, I would consider her a stranger.

So it was with trepidation, and no small amount of shame, that I began earlier this week following what I will call the Saga of Sally’s Wedding. See, Facebook has of late developed a “note” function, where users can post their ramblings for any of their friends, and potentially the world at large, to read and comment on. Some might consider this – the constant public disclosure of one’s random thoughts and complaints to the entire digital community – a bit inane, or a least vain. We here at RA call it blogging.

Since Sally’s Saga has become quite heated, I felt it high time I shared it with an even larger population, at the risk of both violating her privacy, and getting sued. But hey, who doesn’t want to be part of a precedent-setting Facebook lawsuit? I anticipate making millions.

See, Sally is marrying ….Fred. And Fred’s sister, Lucy, hates Sally. With a passion. I’m not entirely sure why, since Sally is, let’s say, less than articulate and the whole thing is still hazy to me. But Sally is now debating whether or not to invite Lucy to her wedding, since she hates Lucy. Fred, surprisingly, seems ambivalent about his sister’s attendance – so Sally is seeking advice from friends and peers as to how to approach the situation. For the record, Sally is 23.

Here’s how it started (The first is only background on the Wedding Saga but I think it’s relevant to understanding Sally. Also, I’ve not edited for length, grammar or content, though I’ve italicized some fragments):

December 16, 2008, 11:35 p.m. - sixteen random things about me

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, post a picture and choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I am praying for my dream job at Sawgrass Resort: Cabana & Beach Club Director
2. I am allergic to the water in North East Fl. Along with alcohol…that’s why I don’t drink.
3. I hate my in-laws, from his sister, sister in law, brother, parents and the entire family…I hate them all.
4. I miss band and playing the clarinet as much as I used to.
5. I think Mr. Dubbs and Sarah Bui getting married is the grossest thing ever.
6. I can’t wait for my wedding to come, it seems too far away from now.
7. I became catholic for a good 2 years going through the RCIA program…then went straight back to the religion I grew up with: Methodist.
8. I miss my friends, but I get really sick of the “let’s hang out when you get home” and none of you seem to remember that I’m in Hagerstown.
9. I agree with Andy, All of my friends from MARYLAND are the smartest people in the world
10. My cat loves me to death, but I wonder what he does when I’m not home.
11. I do not look mexican. I’m part Japanese
12. People called me emo/goth lately…just because I dye to dark hair.
13. I love Dita Von Teese…I think she is perfection.
14. My brother really needs facebook, he’s suffering from being anti-social and depressed and I think that might help him get out of it.
15. I think I need to lose 15 pounds…not for looks, but for health reasons. I can’t go up stairs without gasping for air.
16. My fiance puts up with more of my bullshit than anyone else…for almost 4 years. I think that’s why he was the only one I said “yes” to.

December 21, 2008, 8:13 p.m. - What the FUCK?!

(Ed. Note: Sally LOVES lists)

1. the message below was sent from [name ommitted] to me…why is the mom freaking out? I didn’t do anything but tell her she’s not invited. And she’s not. She’s more of a pain and a pleasure and she’s tried for 4 years to ruin my life and she wants to do it even more.
2. he asked me to marry him years ago.
3. why do you get to pick when the wedding is.
4. there will be a wedding if you like it or not!

From: Fred’s mom
To: Fred
Since when is there going to be a wedding??? You told me that you were going to ask her to marry you for Christmas-why are wedding plans already being discussed???? I also told you that this wedding should not occur for at least a year and 1/2 or 2 yrs. If this is going to continue there will be no wedding!!!!!!

–Forwarded Message Attachment–
From: Lucy
To: Fred’s mom
Subject: im conversation
Date: Sun, 21 Dec 2008 23:51:26 +0000

Lucy (to Sally) (5:36:14 PM): just to let you know, i’m going to your wedding and myself and my best friends will beat the living shit out of you if you attempt to try and stop me
mark my words bitch and we will beat your slutty bitchy crying all the time ass back to where you came from!!!

December 23, 2008, 3:38 a.m. - To invite or not to invite…

after all of this sister in law (SIL) drama…do I still invite her?

1. I don’t like her. It is very rare that I don’t get along with siblings, but keep in mind, she’s a private school spoiled country club brat.
2. She has given me 4 years of crap. I usually don’t deal with it, but her brother, my fiance has told me to just “let it go” and I have.
3. She can’t make it anyways! She fails 3 classes a year. She’s in her “senior” year, but more than likely go to 7 years. Summer school at Methodist is set up for 3 1-month daily classes, monday-friday, 8-12 or 1-4pm with no breaks between classes. Her friends getting married in June on a Saturday in Queen Anne, MD. (southern md) My wedding is on a TUESDAY. She has class and she can’t skip even 1 or she will be forced to WF. 
4a. She plays the victim. Back in my day, yes I had drama. I was in band! That’s it! I only had drama through BAND. Like every other band geek out there.
b. But she does things to me, like dent my fathers FBI car ($400 worth of damage), call the cops on my apartment (I don’t drink or do drugs, just smoke ciggs), leaves nasty notes on my car while I was in class for the campus to see (big signs saying HO and WHORE), IM me nasty things (see the note I wrote the other day), AND lies and says that it’s me instead of her. 
c. She has tattoos, piercings and boyfriends/hookups that she lies about and says that it’s me. I’m sorry but I don’t have any other those things since I’m scared of needles and I’ve been with her brother for 4 years. 
d. there’s so many more, I could go on for days.
5. If she is invited, she’s vowing to destroy my wedding day by wearing white or black or red. the 3 colors I told his side not to wear - japanese wear white to funerals, only the japanese brides family wears black to weddings and red is the sign of a whore. maybe she should wear red….

Keep in mind…I am forcing his parents to pay for half, because I said if my parents pay for it all, not only is she not invited, but his parents and his brother and the rest of his racist family. They didn’t invite me to his brother’s wedding, to his own graduation AND to any holiday events. AND there’s not a single picture of me up in the house bc I’m “mexican”. (see a note from before again)

THIS IS MY DAY. I want to be happy, and I will be happy if she doesn’t come.

Needless to say, I’m enthralled - like completely wishing MTV would catch on and turn this into a reality show. Don’t worry guys, I’ll keep you posted.