Respect Authority

Zero Tolerance is a weekly feature, appearing on Saturdays, that briefly covers some unacceptable offense from the prior week. This is far from a hard science, in fact, it’s entirely likely that it’s not even fact based — indeed, this is pure opinionated ranting because it’s my website and I can cry if I want to. — RA

Have you ever been DPed by technology? It’s about as much fun as you would assume getting forcibly fucked in the mouth and ass at the same time would be, which is to say, not at all. In the past week, my iMac died and then mere days later, I lost all Internet connectivity, and I had actually paid that bill! At least my electricity is somehow still going strong, and thank god really, since I’ve needed the money I’ve allotted for that bill every month to bankroll my Oxycontin addiction for the past year.

My latest outrage is Comcast and the horrid parody of “service” they offer. Did you know that for the past four months I’ve been suffering from near daily Internet outages — chalking it up to all the porn I’m always downloading, heavy rains, and even the mystical power of voodoo — when it turns out the problem is actually due to the broken modem Comcast’s trusted retard squad provided me when they installed my cable and Internet service.

Crybaby conservatives have been declaring Obama’s victory the first steps on America’s path to socialism, when these same idiots, who probably don’t even fully understand what socialism is, also fail to realize the fact that they can only get their precious Fox News through the one cable provider in their entire city isn’t exactly the definition of capitalism.

Because there is limited room underground for cable lines, there is typically only one cable provider in any given area, basically eliminating any real competition between providers and thereby ensuring that all of them suck equally. And let me assure you, cable providers are some dick-loving sluts because they really suck.

Case in point: the aforementioned broken modem. A modem Comcast installed and charged me an installation fee for. A modem Comcast continues to charge me a monthly rental fee for. I have been renting a broken modem and their best attempt at forming an apology is to offer me a $25 dollar “refund” (which isn’t even really a refund considering the installation fee was $30), and only then, after I threatened to investigate where the representative I was on the phone with lived and personally slaughter his children in front of him.

Listen, Julia and Tara Sheffield, I want you to know that your father thinks your lives are worth 25 dollars. Just thought you guys might be interested in that little factoid.

So yeah, they offered me a $25 refund/bribe… What’s that, like a drink and a half in Manhattan? They need to be offering me a sacrificial employee to make this anywhere close to even.

And no, I was not a Drama major, but I did briefly consider it.