Respect Authority

The future does freak me out, but sometimes the present is almost worse. The innovations afforded to us by scientific advancement these days can be as terrifying as they are mind-blowing, and when science advances beyond the realm of the necessary, all bets are truly off.

Robotic body parts, space technology, medical advancements - these are things I understood. Innovation for the sake of a better society. In fact, outside of the dozens of would-be inventors lining up to patent their latest get-rich-quick scheme, it does appear that the majority of scientific discoveries are made with an admirable purpose in mind. But there are exceptions, and probably have been ever since someone first realized they could use technology to maximize laziness. With useful-yet-unnecessary devices like the remote control fleshing out the bottom of the list, it takes something profoundly retarded to make it to the top. Enter Turducken.

You can tell how old it is by the number of rings.

Turducken isn’t the future of Thanksgiving food, so much as the mildly lamentable present, but in honor of the holidays I feel it’s OK to say that sometimes the year 2008 is plenty freaky, without even needing to look ahead.

For the fortunately uninformed, Turducken is made from a partially de-boned turkey, stuffed with a de-boned duck, which is itself stuffed with a small de-boned chicken — making a variety pack of meat facilitated by a Russian-doll-like structure. The inside of the chicken, as well as other gaps, are often filled with a breadcrumb mixture, or in some cases sausage meat, which would, for many, be the icing on a very meaty and high-cholesterol cake.

Besides being a potential torture device for use against uppity vegetarians, Turducken is both an efficient way to consolidate all Thanksgiving meat intake, as well as a one-way ticket to cardiac arrest. Though I am no stranger to a good steak or solid cheeseburger, even the thought of biting into what was once three or four different animals makes me throw up a little in my mouth - not for any self-righteous sympathy on the part of the creatures themselves, but because this is only ONE PART of an undoubtedly larger traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Who would have room for mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie after killing three birds with one stone, or …oven.

Yet I imagine what has always struck me most about this dish, and what makes it the subject of this week’s column, is what it says for the direction of cooking. Stuffing various foods with other foods is hardly innovative these days, but squeezing one animal inside another can’t possibly spell good things for culinary innovation. I can live with Turducken (as a concept, it will likely never appear on my own table, in part because I can’t even cook one meat product, let alone three), but it’s what comes next that scares me. Pigs stuffed inside cows? Cows inside deer? Will we in 20 years be eating slices of meat from humans who have EATEN Turducken?

Only time will tell. In the meantime, I’m sticking with the basics. Boston Market turkey, Stovetop stuffing, and cranberry sauce. From a can.

Last Week’s Highlights

• I Really Think Wii Might be for Retarded People - “I have absolutely no desire to create a pint-sized cutesy avatar for myself so I can sit in my living room in equally cutesy pajamas, sacrificing face-time with my friends for the kind of place where little adorable people are friends with little adorable animals. I would almost rather shoot myself in my little adorable head.”
• Dow Plunges, Hostility Continues to Rally - “I don’t need the biggest bank in America and lead contender for ‘Last Bank Standing’ reminding me that life’s depressing and its little hiccups, insurmountable. So you know what, Bank of America? I will sign up for your transit rebate; and just to fucking spite you, I’ll also ignore everything else that’s wrong with the city.”
• A SLAP in the Face - “Skateboarders everywhere came to the magazine for its artful photography and focus on skateboarding’s full spectrum — the fact that the lifestyle and culture go considerably deeper than heroin-addled-punk-woodsman chic, jumping huge stair sets, and Mountain Dew. I know right? I didn’t even realize there was anything else to skateboarding.”