Respect Authority

Zero Tolerance is a weekly feature, appearing on Saturdays, that briefly covers some unacceptable offense from the prior week. This is far from a hard science, in fact, it’s entirely likely that it’s not even fact based — indeed, this is pure opinionated ranting because it’s my website and I can cry if I want to. — RA

This year, the scariest thing about Halloween was, by far, my hangover this morning. It seems as if when dressed as a cowboy with assless chaps, my liver has zero tolerance for alcohol, amirightamiright?? Anyway, I’d like to apologize for my lateness with the column — my head currently feels like a balloon inflated with cottage cheese, plus there were back to back episodes of Sex and the City on and I, uh… was doing, like, very necessary research for an article so… moving on!

For today’s column, I considered writing about Alaska’s brightest star, the ever-infuriating Sarah Palin, and her remarks that the Obama campaign is playing into senior citizens’ fear about social security and medical coverage, saying “that is the oldest and cheapest kind of politics there is.” Really, Sarah? Because I was under the impression that John McCain was the oldest kind of politics there is.

Plus… it’s not like the elderly shouldn’t be scared — they’re gonna die soon, damn! Not to mention, is there anybody who isn’t frightened by the state of social security today, regardless of age? Even the government is afraid! Like, “We’re sorry, Aaron, but we’re afraid that all that money you’ve been giving us over the years is actually going to be completely gone by the time you’re old enough to see any of it.”

But the real offense today is the fact that it is now, officially, November. Although I am fully aware that Halloween is on October 31st, the end of the month, the fact that it was November 1st when I woke up today still somehow managed to surprise me. And you know what? Fuck November. Yeah, I said it. Fuck the whole month — I don’t know if that’s physically possible, to fuck an actual month of the year, but god damn it, I’m going to try.

With November, gone are the glorious days of Fall, when there’s enough of a chill in the air to provide for a nice layered look, but not so cold that the wind blowing past your face makes it feel like there are baby daggers in your ear canals. The leaves are turning vibrant colors, there’s a crispness to the air, and all the snot-nosed shits are back in school so I’m not tripping over razor scooters at the skate park anymore. But come November, Fall takes a grim turn. It’s Autumn’s February — the miserable depths of the season. And now I’ll tell you how I really feel!

If November was a color, it would be gray… and also, cold. I don’t care if it’s not technically a color; Crayola’s allowed to make up new colors all the time just because they’re what, a coloring crayon company? Doesn’t seem like ironclad credentials if you ask me. I can come up with colors too; how about “November’s Miserable Pissing Rain Sky Gray” or “My Blood Sprayed All Over The Bathroom Because It’s November And I’m Going To Kill Myself Red.” Um… was that maybe a little too dark?

A curious fact is that, despite its reputation, it doesn’t actually rain that much in Seattle; in fact, the city gets less rainfall per year than New York, and that’s because all of Seattle’s precipitation has been allotted by the month of November. Rain, snow, November gets it all; the entire month suffers from atmospheric post-nasal drip. So what if Thanksgiving is in November? The family and togetherness and remembrance of mass genocide are great and shit, I know. I’d never eat another yam in my life if it meant we could go straight from October to December.

Actually, do we get a long weekend for Veteran’s Day? If so… I take it all back, baby. Let’s give it up for the continuation of senseless wars and for all the troops overseas, serving their country the best way they can by giving the thankless many our days off. In November especially, we sure need them.