Respect Authority

As a general rule of thumb, any skateboard purchased at Walmart is pretty much going to suck. In fact, if you purchased a skateboard from Walmart, you pretty much suck. So it should come as no surprise that RipStiks also suck, considering they finally answer the question, “What would a skateboard produced exclusively for the Walmart demographic look like… precisely… other than generally horrifying?” The name alone sounds like candy that gives you cold sores, to say nothing of the depths your self-esteem must plunge to upon actually riding one of these abominations.

Frankly, I’m not sure what exactly you’re supposed to rip with a RipStik, other than perhaps your own hair out when you realize what a pathetic fool you’ve been to buy one. Showing up to a skatepark with one of these would be like walking into the jungles of Vietnam in 1965 with a Nerf gun. Sure, it’d be loads of laughs in theory… until gallons of napalm melted the skin right off your stupid fucking bones.

Do yourself a favor, and have somebody rip the Stik out of your hands now and throw it under a passing garbage truck. And maybe break your legs while you’re at it, just so you can never make the mistake again. It sounds like an extreme measure, I know, but at least it’s not an X-treme measure, and for that, you should be eternally thankful. It’s the first step in an… um… x-tremely long road to recovery. Next, you must stop saying the word “brah” immediately, and not just because I will become a danger to your life if you don’t, but, you know, mostly because of that.

RipStik’s website clears up what riding one is like in terms more family-friendly than “worse than the time I blacked out and rode the really fat girl that wasn’t a girl anymore the next morning.” They say, “Remember learning to ride your bike? Learning to ride the RipStik is similar — it takes time to master the balance. But once you do, it is instant fun!” Well, I heard heroin is a real blast too, but I’m not exactly lining up to sign my life away for that either, and at least in that scenario people would actually think I was cool.

More importantly, you know what else learning to ride a RipStik is similar to? Learning to ride a fucking skateboard. Like, a real skateboard made out of wood that doesn’t bend in the middle like a fucking articulated bus. A skateboard, which was the basis for RipStik’s existence in the first place and still has not been improved upon after decades of equally miserable, gimmicky attempts. A skateboard that won’t get you beaten up as you turn every corner with your “ultimate carving machine,” unlike the RipStik, which you will, in all likelihood, get beaten up with. Furthermore, you will absolutely deserve it.

In case you needed any additional proof, just think about how uncool you feel after watching this video, and then imagine how uncool you’d feel if you were actually in it. After all, it’s kids like these that make me glad abortion is still legal.

Right now, the only grinding I’m getting on is isolated to my teeth, and I imagine if I made a practice of riding a RipStik, it would probably stay that way for a very long time.