Respect Authority

I’ve seen every episode of Sex and the City. Yes, every single one. I know what show Miranda watched on TiVo, and that Charlotte looked at her pores for at least an hour every night. I know how Samantha and Smith met, and I know that sometimes Carrie wore midriff-exposing shirts that were bizarrely unfashionable, even for the 90s.

And according to a study released this week, all of this knowledge makes me two times as likely to be a slut.

I’m sorry, to get pregnant. In what The Associated Press dubbed “groundbreaking research,” a new study shows that pregnancy rates are much higher among teenagers who watch “a lot of TV with sexual dialogue and behavior than among those who have tamer viewing tastes.” Unsurprisingly, Sex and the City was one of the shows used in the so-called research.

Rand Corp. behavioral scientist and lead study author Anita Chandra said teens who watched the “raciest shows” were twice as likely to become pregnant over the next three years as those who watched few such programs. The study involved 2,003 12- to 17-year old girls and boys nationwide, questioned by telephone about their TV viewing habits in 2001. Teens were then re-interviewed twice, most recently in 2004. Among girls, 58 became pregnant during the follow-up and among boys, 33 had gotten a girl pregnant.

I have so many issues with this study that I could almost do a study on the fundamental deterioration of studies in the 21st century.

First of all, outside of Sex and the City which is admittedly pretty sex-oriented, the study also included That 70s Show and Friends, neither of which I would consider “racy.” Also, why did it take so many years to process that data?

But most importantly, it appears Chanda has completely forgotten the whole principle of cause and effect. Where in this study is it proven that slutty girls aren’t simply attracted to slutty shows? How can they know that shows like Sex and the City and That 70s Show don’t just draw girls more inclined to spread their legs for the nearest Mr. Big? I mean, come on. This is like saying girls who watch The Hills are four times as inclined to become moronic trophy wives, instead of the reality: denim-skirt wearing female retards with no career or life aspirations are those most inclined to tune in to The Hills on a weekly basis. Them, and hipsters. Moreover, with the addition of more recent programming that includes Gossip Girl and 90210, it seems we should expect to see about seven hundred billion pregnant teens in the next few years.

Seriously, my money is on Chandra being both a teen mother and an avid Sex and the City fan. Someone got knocked up at 15 and has been looking for a scapegoat ever since.