Respect Authority

Months after the start of what Wikipedia calls the “2008 Chinese milk scandal,” The Wall Street Journal on Monday wrote an article saying the so-called “tainting of milk” in China is little more than an open secret. 

As a refresher, the Milk Scandal broke out in July, when it was discovered milk and infant formula in the People’s Republica of China had been spiked, for lack of a better word, with melamine. By the end of September, some 94,000 victims had been claimed and four infants had died. Ironically, the chemical was added to increase the beverage’s protein content. But the negative side effects, kidney stones and the like, caused national and international outrage; at least 11 countries have stopped all imports of mainland Chinese dairy products. 

But according to the Journal, all of this milk drama is old hat: 

Farmers …say in interviews that ‘protein power’ of often-uncertain origin has been employed for years as a cheap way to help the milk of undernourished cows fool dairy companies’ quality checks. When the big companies caught on, some additive makers switched to toxic melamine — which mimics protein in lab tests and can cause severe kidney damage — to evade detection.

Phew, and I mean phew! For the last few years, and particularly as their economy has grown astronomically, I was starting to get a little worried China knew what was up, and that by 2020 we’d all be speaking Mandarin and abiding by one-child maximums. (The latter part I was even okay with, and still). But this reassures me that people in China can’t possibly be as smart as they seem, or as their robotic arms and neat gadgetry would imply. 

Now officials have found melamine in eggs and animal feed, and China is in some deep shit. The only solution I can see is marketing their tainted dairy products to the guidos of America, who would be overjoyed to find a Muscle-Milk-alternative, available for import for far cheaper than the tubs sold at GNC. Mmm, bonus size.