Respect Authority

Sure, it’s real funny to look through pictures of Stock Market traders making anguished expressions, that is, until somebody goes and shoots himself in the chest.

A stock exchange trader in Sao Paulo, Brazil, closed out Monday’s business day with a resounding bang… by shooting himself in the middle of the trading floor. The 36 year old man was taken to a hospital, but his condition is currently unknown. It is also unknown whether his attempted suicide was due to recent sharp losses in the Brazilian stock market or if he simply thought the stock exchange would be a good place to die. For the record… it isn’t. All that yelling and running around? Hardly the definition of “rest in peace.”

I always thought a funny way to commit suicide would be to get a job as Mickey Mouse at Disneyworld and then decapitate myself on stage in front of hundreds of screaming children. Oh… whoops… should I not have shared that? My therapist keeps telling me I need to be more honest; I’m so confused I might have to go kill myself on the floor of the stock market tomorrow, I don’t know.

AP reports that “trading was halted for a few minutes after the shot was fired.” How reverent! Perhaps taking the whole “minute of silence” thing a little too literally there, folks?

All extremely morbid and largely unfunny (unless you’re a sociopath) jokes aside, the story gives something of a new meaning to the term “stock market collapse,” amirightamiright? Look, it’s easy to make fun of people with bullet holes in their chest; as long as they’re not 50 Cent, you know there’s not a real big chance they’re going to come after you for it. Mr. Cent, on the other hand, has skin that I’m pretty sure is made of bullets, and when he’s got beef with you, man, you better be ready, because he’ll pose with you on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Okay, with that, I think I’m going to go, and work on being less of a detestable person. See ya.

[Brisbane Times]