Respect Authority

Reading the sordid tale of the caked up lush and her high-flying hijinks we posted earlier gave me some pause. For one thing, I was so cracked out myself that I had forgotten I knew how to read, so that was shocking in its own right. At first, I seriously regretted never doing drugs before boarding an airplane after realizing how easy it actually is and how relatively lax the punishments are. But then I also realized almost immediately afterwards how utterly terrifying most drugs would be while on a plane.

Drugs are interesting in that they can be tons of fun when you’re sitting on your couch next to a comforting bag of Cheetos, but get thrown in the back of a squad car… without any Cheetos… and you’re suddenly in a horrifying nightmare world, traveling at light speed and the puke-stained seat you’re cuffed to is trying to eat your ass. Mix enough marijuana and Benadryl (not necessarily a recommendation) and you’ll feel like you’re on a plane as it is, so I literally shudder at the thought of how quickly this combination would turn you into a frantic, twitching mess on an actual aircraft. It’d be like the time I crapped myself on the flying airplane ride at the local carnival — a very bad experience to say the least.

Now, because Respect Authority is a harm-prevention website (this is actually completely false), I decided it would be helpful to come up with a list of drugs that would go especially well with flying, and the drugs that would be best to avoid unless you particularly enjoy feeling like droves of spider hatchlings are splitting your skull in half for six hours straight.

Without further ado, since, after all, your attention span may be a bit impaired already, here is Respect Authority’s list of airplane-appropriate drugs, and a few to watch out for as well — and by that I don’t mean watch out for when Maurice down on Allen Street comes around telling you he’s got some “bomb ass shit that’ll fuck your mother in the head it’ll mess you up so bad.”

Weed — Frankly, no meal goes down quite so well without the addition of my favorite vegetable, and I imagine this includes airplane food. While the initial take-off would probably be either incredibly thrilling or perhaps just downright facemelting in its terror, overall the sense of childlike wonder and happy-go-lucky “fuckitness” marijuana can provide would likely mix very well with the flying experience, perhaps even to the point of helping you forget what an obnoxious pain in the ass it actually is.

The best part? Once you come down you’re in for a nice mandatory nap that’ll take you through the rest of your flight. And if you get the munchies? I must suggest using Jet Blue, because you simply can’t beat unlimited on-flight peanuts even when you’re not stoned.

Rat poison — Once the initial discomfort of all your internal organs turning to a pulpy stew passes, this household intoxicant (emphasis on the “toxic” part) is a perfect airplane cocktail. You’ll never have to bother with the inconvenience of flying again!

Heroin — It seems a little weird to recommend heroin in any circumstance, but I have to imagine one place being on the nod wouldn’t be totally pathetic is on an airplane. I’ve watched junkies slowly pass out, fighting to stay awake by holding onto a trash can, when inevitably they end up with their face in a pile of reeking garbage only to rouse five minutes later and do it all over again. Generally, this sounds pretty unenjoyable, but on an airplane it’d be so good you’d likely start wondering why you don’t just shoot up all the time (note: never wonder this). Nonetheless, while your fellow passengers shift uncomfortably trying to find blessed sleep, cursing the pitiful amount of leg room provided, you’ll be a drooling zombie, slumped unconscious on the pull-out seat-back tray.

Now, there are naturally drugs that won’t go down quite as smoothly while you’re hurdling through the clouds, miles above solid ground. Plenty of substances out there that make the ground feel less than solid as it is, so you hardly need to help them out in the matter.

Alcohol — The abundance of airport bars and airlines’ readiness to sell you overpriced, watered-down mixed drinks would seem to finger alcohol as a frequent-flyer’s favorite crutch, but this is likely only due to the fact that alcohol is America’s answer to all problems. Bad day at work? Pour yourself a stiff drink. Got in a fight with your significant other? Wash it down with a stiff drink. Trying to make flying seem a little more bearable? Naturally, a stiff drink is the only clear answer — six miniature vodkas, please.

However, anyone who’s flown a decent amount has undoubtedly encountered a loud drunk on their flight that rivals both a locked chest full of nails and worse, a screaming baby, in its level of Geneva-Convention-violating torture. Couple that with the recent stories we covered of rowdy drunks on flights forcing the planes to land early, and it’s looking like alcohol is probably not the best way to escape the troubles of flying cross-country. For as many happy drunks as there are, there are far more sad and angry drunks and, go figure, these are always the ones who are first to reach for the bottle.

A block of C4 — Stashed in your carry-on peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This one should go without saying, particularly if I want to keep my name out of the government no fly lists, but at 35,000 feet, that’s a major downer for everyone involved.

Cocaine — Now, it might seem like getting up to go to the bathroom every ten minutes would be a great way to pass a long flight, but the reality is that there simply can’t be a worse environment to do coke. Sitting still would be enough of a challenge, let alone keeping the person in the adjacent seat from strangling you after you talked incessantly to them and yourself all the way from Boston to Phoenix. Flying has enough long lines involved already, do yourself a favor and don’t add any more.

Clearly, taking drugs before flying is a risky proposition — and not just for those of us interested in avoiding cavity searches. Take a couple of the wrong pills and you’ll be muttering about little men walking around on the wing like you’re trapped in an episode of The Twilight Zone in no time. So choose wisely, intrepid drug-addled travelers! And if you’re a pilot of an airplane, obviously alcohol, despite my analysis above, seems to be the drug of choice. Or if you’re a terrorist taking over as pilot of an airplane, then I imagine it’d probably be mass-murder of hundreds of American citizens — I heard that shit’s a crazy rush.