Respect Authority

I’m no stranger to people approaching me on the streets of New York, seeking everything from directions to money to my compliance in the worldwide effort to kill all Jews. Yet even given my experience in this particular hotspot of free speech and aggressive homeless people, events of late have managed to both confuse and intrigue me.

I have been approached no less than three times in the last week by young women asking if I was familiar with the “female image of God” or the female deity, or something along those lines. I’ll be honest and say I never quite caught the gist of these queries, primarily because as soon as I realized they wanted something other than directions to Times Square, most of my attention was focused on looking simultaneously apologetic and annoyed. I’ve also replied to all three individuals with “No thanks,” as though they were offering me something instead of asking me whether I’m familiar with it. Which, if we’re being honest about evangelicals and their affinity for disguising mandates as questions (”Have you been saved?” “What Would Jesus Do?”) they basically were. Offering me LadyGod on a silver platter.

Well, I didn’t take, even though each of the three incidents was at a different location, from a different person, and none of them seemed to have any sort pamphlet or flier to distribute. To be frank, I’m starting to get a little weirded out. When someone approaches you on the street in New York, they always appear to have singled you out in a massive crowd, simply because chances are pretty high here you’re standing in a massive crowd, but each time I’ve been asked this question I subsequently wonder what it is about me that makes me seem ripe for the picking. Perhaps there is an image of the female deity, and I happen to look just like her? Perhaps God is like, trying to reach me, and I’m ignoring the “calling” (while also disparaging it with quotation marks)? Either way, I’m beginning to feel that my privacy (yes, the privacy I enjoy while walking the streets of one of the most populated cities in the world) is being invaded. The last time, it was 7:45 in the morning and I had headphones in. That’s as big a “Don’t fucking talk to me about God right now” situation as I can think of.

So I’m calling on you, our loyal minions readers. What the fuck is this all about? If New York City is going to be taken over by religious feminists, I need to know now so I can hurry up and get the fuck out.