Respect Authority

Now that everyone’s had their fill of chocolate candy and women dressed as slutty teachers/schoolgirls/police officers/firefighters/referees, it’s time to come back down to reality. Two of the year’s more “family-oriented” holidays are almost upon us, the economy is still a mess and by the end of this week we’ll know the results of that whole “election” thing everyone keeps talking about. These days the Future really does Freak Me Out.

And you’re right. There’s no such thing as enough when it comes to slutty referees.

Here’s RA’s FFMO Election Special, since after this week I never want to hear the word “election” again.

For Laughs

No one’s milked Election 2008 more than Saturday Night Live, and who can blame them? The comedy show’s political coverage and presidential impersonations have remained relevant and hilarious, even as some of its other skits veer off into the unfunny and downright bizarre. So in the interest of giving SNL its last election hurrah, and perhaps in the hopes that this will be the last time I have to see Tina Fey as Sarah Palin (here’s hoping for four years of Obama/Biden impersonations), tune in on Tuesday for SNL’s last-minute skitfest ahead of the actual, you know, results.

For Tears

Coverage, coverage, coverage. Who even knows where to begin. Choosing which network or cable news outlet you prefer for your up-to-the-minute results is as tough as choosing, I don’t know, a shade of lipstick for your pig. If you’re like me, the decision comes down to rather arbitrary qualifications: anchors’ choice of facial hair, prevalence of digital touch screens, frequency of flashing headlines. I prefer my coverage simple and to the point: Wins here, loses there. Because my living room is the real Situation Room, and the situation is this: I want to go to bed knowing whether my country is headed for long-term recovery, or an imminent nuclear war.

For Shits and Giggles

Once you cast your vote on Tuesday, it’s over. Decision made, and all that’s left is the sitting and waiting and praying that the rest of America is even half as smart as you are. But there is some icing on the cake. Or rather, ice cream. Participating Ben & Jerry’s locations are handing out a free scoop of ice cream to anyone who voted, regardless of who they voted for. From 5 p.m. until 8 p.m. on election day, head over to a participating B&J location to pick up your free scoop. …But seriously. Only if you voted for Obama.

Last Week’s (Election) Highlights

• I’m Barack Obama, bitch! — “Were we still in the lighthearted days when The Chappelle Show graced television sets across this nation, not one week would have passed before we’d see a faux political advertisement from the Obama campaign, advising America’s racists to “Just go ahead and vote for the n****r!”
• Maddow dumbs down politics — “For all you Joe Six Packs, Plumbers and G.I.s out there, the politics-as-football metaphor should help you understand why your pal is losing and help you come to grips with the looming onslaught of socialism.”
• God hates people who hate things — “These people claim that ‘God hates America,’ when its their kind that are exactly what is wrong with the country in the first place. Granted, and I hate to say this, they are entitled to their freedom of speech (such that it is) as much as any other citizen. I only regret that I don’t have the freedom to cram that speech back down their throats with a ball peen hammer.”