Respect Authority

I know I’ve made it no small secret that I hate Twitter with the fire of one thousand extra-hot suns. I find it hard to suppress my constant urges to lambaste people who insist on being so perpetually plugged-in that they’re willing to receive status updates on everything from bloggers’ adventures to what their friends are eating for dinner. But, even if I were to set aside my personal vendetta against this digital downfall of mankind, this would still be ridiculous.

Dunkin’ Donuts this week became the latest brand to join Twitter, and will now provide hardcore donut-lovers with, yes, updates about special offers, but more importantly (according to DD) with the opportunity to “connect and have a dialogue with or about the brand.” Because really, if there’s one thing I feel my online presence is lacking, it’s the ability to send mindless tweets about my donut preferences. I’m pretty sure this would yield just one tweet from me, which I would therefore be forced to send every hour, on the hour. It would read: “Jelly-filled, fuck yes” or I suppose, to get technical about it, “Kira is Jelly-filled, fuck yes,” which actually takes on an entirely new meaning.

This article doesn’t give any actual examples of tweets from Dunkin’ Donuts, or from rival Starbucks, who jumped on the Twitter bandwagon faster than you could say skim soy mocha latte cappuccino, which leaves me with a very serious quandary. Do I sign up for Twitter simply to receive these messages and subsequently mock them in this public forum?

The answer is no. Sometimes you don’t need to see to believe. I believe this is probably the dumbest Twitter feed in the history of Twitter, and if I could very easily spend my entire life never seeing a single tweet about glazed donuts or the newest featured smooth-jazz CD, well that would be as good as hot coffee on a cold day. Thanks but no thanks.