Respect Authority

There’s been a lot of speculation lately as to whether two-time talk show host and longtime grizzly bear Rosie O’Donnell can bring back the variety show with her imminent program Rosie Live. The show, taking on the variety hour format of yesteryear, will feature song, dance, comedy and celebrity cameos. Yet the big question going unanswered here is: Can Rosie O’Donnell bring back Rosie O’Donnnell?

With one canceled talk show and one subtle firing under her belt, it’s a wonder Rosie was given the freedom to take this kind of risk at all. After all, her abrasive attitude and overbearing imposition of personal beliefs have convinced more than one producer that she’s not worth screen time — so it seems counterintuitive to give the woman a show not unlike a Broadway performance. Is this not like asking a drug user to host Intervention? I mean, Rosie O’Donnell zinged Koosh balls from her desk like a fifth grader, and that was on a completely normal talk show. Who knows what sorts of dime-store paraphenalia she’ll slingshot out to the audience in this show — Whoopie Cushions? Slinkies? Pamphlets on gay and lesbian rights?

Just in case viewers were skeptical of Rosie’s return to fame, NBC has of late been touting the show’s celebrity guest stars, the most impressive of which they consider Liza Minnelli. I’m sorry NBC, but unless you’re 50 or older, Liza Minnelli’s last significant claim to fame was being accused of hitting her own husband. This is not a woman who’s led such a respectable life that her presence on a Rosie O’Donnell variety hour gives the show any added credibility. If anything, I’m even more skeptical.

Television genres die out for a reason, NBC. After all, the variety show didn’t die so much as it evolved to accommodate the popularity of America’s newest favorite waste of time: reality television. We still like dancing and singing, but we’ll take deluded hillbillies or trash-talking black women over a well-known host. Preferably deluded hillbillies and trash-talking black women. Trying to bring back a variety show without all the changes needed to make that show viable today is like trying to make old action movies viable without updating the special effects. And basing it on Rosie O’Donnnell, well …that’s like re-using the original animatronic King Kong.